copyright © 2003 Mike Rothschild

"The New Shit"

by Mike Rothschild

Mike is center stage. LIGHTS UP.

Every day, the average American sees over 500 advertisements. Unfortunately, this is one of them. But I’m not a salesman. Salesmen try to sell you something. But I’m here to tell you something. Something you need to know, about something you need to know about. Everywhere I go in this wide world, people ask me about it. The buzz is everywhere, like a swarm of bees that follows you around, buzz buzz buzzing in your ear. Every city in ever corner of the nation, it’s on the lips of the people, in the hearts and minds. Streets of San Francisco, streets of Boston, streets of Milwaukee, streets of Chicago. They’re running up to me, asking me if I know about it, where I can get it, and how much it costs?

But there’s one question I keep hearing over and over. What is this new shit that I keep hearing about? What is the new shit? Well, I’m gonna tell you about the new shit.

The new shit is a reloaded revolution. It’s a new hope for striking back at the Empire! It’s a lost ark, a lost crusade and a lost weekend wrapped up in shiny paper handed to you by the Hilton sisters. There aren’t words to describe the new shit. Hell, there aren’t words to describe the words to describe the new shit. You’d have to invent words, and those words would be incomprehensible, like Spock’s real name, or a speech by the president.

But what IS the new shit? What does it do, and what does it do for you? The new shit does it all. Does your hair, your teeth, your tits, your taxes and your waxes. Walks your dog, spays your cat, teaches your parrot how to swear in Greek! The new shit loves pets! It’s animal friendly, kid friendly, loves the old and infirm, the tired, poor and huddled masses, yearning for freedom. It’s a hundred piece orchestra playing Ted Nugent in perfect ten part harmony. You ask what the new shit does. Is there anything it doesn’t do?

The new shit is a planetary collision for less than the price of a free brochure. It’s not a job, or a career. It’s a VOCATION. It’s a life story, a life force, a life altering experience. Makes the men strong and long and the ladies slim and trim. It does the dirty work, the wet work and the just plain unpleasant. Then it cleans your apartment, does your laundry and leaves you a Junior Mint on your pillow. And that’s just a tenth of a tenth of what the new shit does for you. If you want to see some real action, don’t blink when you’re around the new shit, cuz you’ll miss everything.

And don’t even talk to me about the old shit.

You thought the old shit was the shit? Shit. The old shit was SHIT compared to the new shit. I’m telling you about the new shit because they don’t KNOW about the new shit out in your publications and entertainment news magazines. Daily Variety, Madmoiselle, Prom Dress Monthly. They have no idea and no clues. They aren’t privy to the new shit. Not like me and not like you.

Folks, I hope I haven’t got you too excited, but this an exciting product for an exciting time. Act now, because supplies are running out and time is limited. What else out there can power a cold fusion reactor, cook chicken marsala and perform an aria from Carmen in less time than it takes you to make a Hot Pocket? Nothing, that’s what. Nothing but the new shit.

So if you need to get the job, impress the lady, win the day and save the old mill…you need the new shit. Does your dishes, enlarges your penis and flies a jumbo jet through a pinhole. The new shit writes a book and sells a million copies. It doesn’t matter. With the new shit, it’s already done. It was done ten minutes ago. Nothing else will do, nothing else comes close. It’s the new shit’s way or the highway. Folks, I can’t stress it enough.

But I know what you’re asking. How much does it cost? Folks, if you have to ask, you can’t afford it. But I’m so generous I’m giving it away. I’ll pay you to take it! If you act right now, the new shit is absolutely free! One hundred percent gratis! Not one penny down, not one penny ever.

Why? Because I love the new shit. I live the new shit. I ABIDE the new shit.

And because the shipping and handling is murder.

BLACKOUT

THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR


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