- April 18, 2003 - No Shame Los Angeles
Performed by Mike Rothschild, Jeff Goode
"Retractions and Clarifications"
By Mike Rothschild
A table and one chair sit center stage. When the IRAQI
MINISTER OF INFORMATION has sat down, one spotlight comes up.
He reads from a statement.
MINISTER
I am Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf,
Minister of Information for the
great nation of Iraq. Recently, I
have made statements which have
been misquoted or exaggerated in
the press. I would like to clarify
these and retract others which
might have contained hyperbole.
He pauses and shuffles his statement.
MINISTER (cont'd)
Previously, I said that there was
no presence of American infidels in
Baghdad. I would like to clarify
that statement by saying there ARE
infidels in Baghdad, but they were
allowed in only to remove their
dead, which are numerous and many.
Shortly, they will leave again.
He stops again, this time more contrite.
MINISTER (cont'd)
I stated no Iraqi soldiers had been
killed by the bloodsucking bastards
of America. I must clarify this by
saying no Iraqi soldiers were
killed in the actual time it took
me to say there had been no
soldiers killed. Shortly after, 500
soldiers were killed.
Another pause.
MINISTER (cont'd)
Earlier I said no American bomb
would ever fall on Baghdad. I
clarify this by saying the word
"bomb" is actually an Arabic slang
term meaning "piano dropped from a
flying mule". And I reiterate, no
"bomb" has fallen on Baghdad.
He pauses again, this time more downcast.
MINISTER (cont'd)
I also said that we had shot down
196 cruise missiles. I exaggerated
this number by 196. We have shot
down no cruise missiles. We do not
even know what cruise missiles do
or look like. I retract this.
Pause. He takes a deep, cleansing breath.
MINISTER (cont'd)
Finally, I would like to retract
every statement I made during the
war. What I said was false and
malicious. No infidels committed
suicide at the gates of Baghdad, or
if they did, it was because of
depression and difficult
childhoods. God is not grilling the
stomachs of our enemies in hell.
Bush and Blair are great men who
desire only peace and freedom for
Iraq and the people of the Middle
East. I apologize for any confusion
my statements caused. I hang my
head with shame at my lies.
He hangs his head slightly. From offstage, someone CLAPS and
the lights come up full. The CASTING DIRECTOR enters.
CASTING DIRECTOR
OK, that was a great
reading...uh...what's your name...?
MINISTER
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf.
CASTING DIRECTOR
You should really change that. Too
long to put on a headshot. Anyway,
it was a good reading, but I'm just
not feeling you for the role.
MINISTER
What does this mean?
CASTING DIRECTOR
The audition's not going to go any
further. But thanks for coming.
The Minister stands, filled with rage.
MINISTER
What? Listen, you son of a dog...
CASTING DIRECTOR
Here we go again.
MINISTER
How can I not play the Minister of
Information? I AM the Minister of
Information! I wrote the speeches!
CASTING DIRECTOR
Oh, a writer too. How novel.
MINISTER
This is an outrageous outrage! I
demand you give me this role, or
your carpet shall run red with a
river of blood.
CASTING DIRECTOR
Look, NBC has to get this Iraq War
Movie Of The Week on the air by
next Thursday, so we don't have
time to fuck around. Next!
The casting director starts to go.
MINISTER
You are sick in your mind. I
spanned the networks like a blazing
comet! I'm a media superstar!
CASTING DIRECTOR
And I'm Billy Joel. But it ain't
gonna happen. Now get out before I
bury you in this town. And I can! I
know Spielberg's second assistant's
dentist!
The minister heads toward the exit and turns around.
MINISTER
Casting director, I now inform you
that you are too far from reality!
He leaves in a huff. The casting director shakes her head.
CASTING DIRECTOR
Fucking method actors.
BLACKOUT
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Mike Rothschild, Jeff Goode
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