copyright © 2003 Mike Rothschild

                               "We Will Slaughter Them All"
                                    By Mike Rothschild
               At LIGHTS UP, the Iraqi MINISTER OF INFORMATION is standing
               center stage, wearing his trademark black beret. REPORTERS
               call out questions to him from the audience.

               SOUNDS OF WAR can be heard lightly in the background.

                                   MINISTER
                         Let me begin my daily briefing by
                         restating the fact which you can
                         see with your very eyes: There is
                         no presence of American infidels in
                         the city of Baghdad. Never.

                                   REPORTER 1
                         What's the reaction to Saddam
                         International Airport being taken?

                                   MINISTER
                         We slaughtered them in the airport.
                         The force that was in the airport,
                         this force was destroyed.

                                   REPORTER 2
                         70 M1 tanks are in Baghdad. 

                                   MINISTER
                         I say to you this talk is not true.
                         This is part of their sick mind.

                                   REPORTER 1
                         But your army has been wiped out...

                                   MINISTER
                         I am not scared and neither should
                         you be! Our initial assessment is
                         that they will all die.

                                   REPORTER 2
                         How many Iraqi soldiers have been
                         killed, sir? 30,000? 50,000?

                                   MINISTER
                         None. The infidels are committing
                         suicide by the hundreds on the
                         gates of Baghdad. As our leader
                         Saddam Hussein said, 'God is
                         grilling their stomachs in hell.' 

                                   REPORTER 1
                         What about the constant bombing?

                                   MINISTER
                         There is no bombing. It is a
                         Hollywood illusion. No bomb will
                         ever fall on Baghdad!

               A BOMB explodes in the background (skip to track 6 and 7 on
               CD). Lights flicker.

                                   REPORTER 1
                         What was that?

                                   MINISTER
                         That was a baby food factory being
                         destroyed by Americans.

                                   REPORTER 1
                         I thought they aren't in Baghdad?

                                   MINISTER
                         Do not repeat the lies of liars. I
                         blame Al-Jazeera. They are
                         marketing for the Americans.
                         Please, make sure of what you say.

                                   REPORTER 2
                         When you said God was grilling the
                         stomachs of the infidels, is he
                         using a propane grill or charcoal?

                                   MINISTER
                         What kind of idiotic question is
                         that? How dare you waste my time
                         with such colonial prattle. Of
                         course God is using a charcoal
                         grill. Do you know what the Flames
                         of Hell would do to a propane tank?

                                   REPORTER 1
                         How do you deny American troops are
                         taking over Iraq? An M1 tank just
                         rolled by you, didn't you see it?

                                   MINISTER
                         See what?

                                   REPORTER 1
                         The tank! 

                                   MINISTER
                         I see only Heroes of the Baath
                         Socialist Arab Party.

                                   REPORTER 1
                         It just rolled by! There's another! 

                                   MINISTER
                         Your mind is sick. There is no
                         tank.

                                   REPORTER 2
                         Wouldn't God have created a grill
                         with the cleanliness of propane and
                         the great taste of charcoal?

                                   MINISTER
                         God can grill with any method he
                         wants! He can boil, roast or
                         Hibachi. His power to grill is
                         great and awesome. Next question.

                                   REPORTER 1
                         Did Saddam survive the cruise
                         missile and bomb attacks?

                                   MINISTER
                         The cruise missiles do not frighten
                         anyone. We are catching them like
                         fish in a river. Over the past two
                         days we shot down 196 missiles
                         before they hit their target.

                                   REPORTER 2
                         I'm just saying if you're going to
                         roast a stomach in hell, why not
                         just use the flames around you? 

                                   MINISTER
                         Grilling is grilling! I tell you
                         now there will be no more questions
                         about stomach preparation. 

                                   REPORTER 1
                         Yes or no, is Saddam alive?

                                   MINISTER
                         He is in the heart of every child.
                         In every stream and river, where
                         every sunbeam forms a rainbow. He
                         lives in the souls of everyone...

                                   REPORTER 2
                         Does God eat the stomachs after he
                         grills them?

               The minister blows his top.

                                   MINISTER
                         This ends the briefing. I said
                         there would be no more questions on
                         the topic of stomach grilling, and
                         you violated my resolution.

                                   REPORTER 1
                         But is Saddam alive?

                                   MINISTER
                         I will give you this final piece of
                         information which will completely
                         alter your life in ways I can not
                         imagine. (Pause for effect) Bush
                         and Rumsfeld deserve to be hit with
                         shoes. That is all.

               He starts to leave.

                                   REPORTER 1
                         What about Saddam?

                                   REPORTER 2
                         What about the stomachs?

                                   MINISTER
                         These must wait until the next
                         glorious day of victory. I now
                         inform you that you are too far
                         from reality. Goodbye.

               The minister leaves. The lights stay on.

                                   REPORTER 2
                         I wonder what infidel stomach
                         tastes like.

                                   REPORTER 1
                         Probably chicken.

               BLACKOUT. The WAR SOUNDS fade on a 3 count.
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