- April 11, 2003 - No Shame Los Angeles
Performed by Mike Rothschild, Lauren Taylor, Brian Rochlin
"We Will Slaughter Them All"
By Mike Rothschild
At LIGHTS UP, the Iraqi MINISTER OF INFORMATION is standing
center stage, wearing his trademark black beret. REPORTERS
call out questions to him from the audience.
SOUNDS OF WAR can be heard lightly in the background.
MINISTER
Let me begin my daily briefing by
restating the fact which you can
see with your very eyes: There is
no presence of American infidels in
the city of Baghdad. Never.
REPORTER 1
What's the reaction to Saddam
International Airport being taken?
MINISTER
We slaughtered them in the airport.
The force that was in the airport,
this force was destroyed.
REPORTER 2
70 M1 tanks are in Baghdad.
MINISTER
I say to you this talk is not true.
This is part of their sick mind.
REPORTER 1
But your army has been wiped out...
MINISTER
I am not scared and neither should
you be! Our initial assessment is
that they will all die.
REPORTER 2
How many Iraqi soldiers have been
killed, sir? 30,000? 50,000?
MINISTER
None. The infidels are committing
suicide by the hundreds on the
gates of Baghdad. As our leader
Saddam Hussein said, 'God is
grilling their stomachs in hell.'
REPORTER 1
What about the constant bombing?
MINISTER
There is no bombing. It is a
Hollywood illusion. No bomb will
ever fall on Baghdad!
A BOMB explodes in the background (skip to track 6 and 7 on
CD). Lights flicker.
REPORTER 1
What was that?
MINISTER
That was a baby food factory being
destroyed by Americans.
REPORTER 1
I thought they aren't in Baghdad?
MINISTER
Do not repeat the lies of liars. I
blame Al-Jazeera. They are
marketing for the Americans.
Please, make sure of what you say.
REPORTER 2
When you said God was grilling the
stomachs of the infidels, is he
using a propane grill or charcoal?
MINISTER
What kind of idiotic question is
that? How dare you waste my time
with such colonial prattle. Of
course God is using a charcoal
grill. Do you know what the Flames
of Hell would do to a propane tank?
REPORTER 1
How do you deny American troops are
taking over Iraq? An M1 tank just
rolled by you, didn't you see it?
MINISTER
See what?
REPORTER 1
The tank!
MINISTER
I see only Heroes of the Baath
Socialist Arab Party.
REPORTER 1
It just rolled by! There's another!
MINISTER
Your mind is sick. There is no
tank.
REPORTER 2
Wouldn't God have created a grill
with the cleanliness of propane and
the great taste of charcoal?
MINISTER
God can grill with any method he
wants! He can boil, roast or
Hibachi. His power to grill is
great and awesome. Next question.
REPORTER 1
Did Saddam survive the cruise
missile and bomb attacks?
MINISTER
The cruise missiles do not frighten
anyone. We are catching them like
fish in a river. Over the past two
days we shot down 196 missiles
before they hit their target.
REPORTER 2
I'm just saying if you're going to
roast a stomach in hell, why not
just use the flames around you?
MINISTER
Grilling is grilling! I tell you
now there will be no more questions
about stomach preparation.
REPORTER 1
Yes or no, is Saddam alive?
MINISTER
He is in the heart of every child.
In every stream and river, where
every sunbeam forms a rainbow. He
lives in the souls of everyone...
REPORTER 2
Does God eat the stomachs after he
grills them?
The minister blows his top.
MINISTER
This ends the briefing. I said
there would be no more questions on
the topic of stomach grilling, and
you violated my resolution.
REPORTER 1
But is Saddam alive?
MINISTER
I will give you this final piece of
information which will completely
alter your life in ways I can not
imagine. (Pause for effect) Bush
and Rumsfeld deserve to be hit with
shoes. That is all.
He starts to leave.
REPORTER 1
What about Saddam?
REPORTER 2
What about the stomachs?
MINISTER
These must wait until the next
glorious day of victory. I now
inform you that you are too far
from reality. Goodbye.
The minister leaves. The lights stay on.
REPORTER 2
I wonder what infidel stomach
tastes like.
REPORTER 1
Probably chicken.
BLACKOUT. The WAR SOUNDS fade on a 3 count.
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Performed by Mike Rothschild, Lauren Taylor, Brian Rochlin
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