Yo.

Um, hi.

What can I do to you?

I've got a 3 PM audition. I was answering your ad in the paper. Are you Ugly Vic?

It ain't Ugly Vic Productions cuz I'm so pretty. So you wanna be in a movie?

I didn't say sit.

Oh, I'm sorry...

I'm pullin' your chain, kid.

I'm sorry, I'm just a little nervous.

Happens to everyone I audition. You'll do fine. Just relax and be yourself.

I've just never done anything like this.

Like what?

A film like this. A porno.

I don't do porn. I do adult publishing.

Then why did the ad say you needed a young stud for a porno film?

You got me there. But you won't complain when you get the nice, fat check with your name on it.

True. And I really need the cash.

You came to the right guy. A good looking kid can make a lot of money working with me. OK, What's your full name?

Rando. That's it. Just Rando.

OK, whatev. What's your occupation?

Until recently, I was Greek God of Puddings. But I was let go in a cost-cutting move. Now I'm unemployed.

Greek God, huh? I've seen weirder. You ever around Hollywood Boulevard at night, I mean real late? Fuckin' weirdos. Fat fuckin' pale goth chicks poured into tight-ass black tutus. And don't get me started on the Jesus pushers.

Ha, yeah. Jesus put me out of a job.

No shit? I need your medical history.

I'm pretty old, do you need it all?

Any penetration scene requires complete medical clearance and an AIDS test.

The last time I had sex, AIDS didn't exist.

How old did you say you were?

6,000 years. Give or take a few weeks.

I usually don't do granny porn. But you got a nice face. So how long has it been since you got some ass?

I guess you need to know. 700 years.

You got all the pieces in place, right?

Oh yeah. Just not much luck. Nobody wants to sleep with someone who doesn't have a job and or a future, even if he is a god.

Well, we're gonna change that.

That's why I'm doing this. And I need the money.

It's good money.

I know. But I want the sex, too. Who doesn't want to get paid to have sex?

You'd be surprised.

Let them walk in my sandals for a while. Hey, I got a stage name all picked out.

Let's hear it.

I know everyone who does these movies has a fake name, so I wanted to call myself "Mynuts Ack" You know, like...you know.

Kid, I gotta be honest with you.

Yeah, ok.

I don't see this happening. I like you, you got a nice face. But you're not exactly a stud, and nobody watches these movies to see someone uglier than them.

OK.

I don't mean you're ugly. And the Greek God angle is funny, but your name on a box ain't gonna be worth 29.99.

I really need this. I haven't had a job since I got kicked off Olympus. I can't pay my rent, I'm totally broke. I just need money. Whatever it takes, it's done.

OK, what the hell. I'm impressed. We've got an role in "Choad Of The Rings Part 12". I can give you a hundred bucks, and another hundred if it looks good.

That's great.

Of that, you kick thirty percent to me as a finders fee, and another 15 out of everything you make after that. Plus you pay your own parking and meals.

OK. That's...that's fine.

Good. Now, I'm supposed to test you for AIDS but I'm on a deadline. I need the movie totally finished by next Thursday, so we'll shoot your scene now. You ready?

Yeah. Hell yeah.

You want to meet your partner for the scene?

Sure, yeah.

Thought so. Hey, Sugar, come on in!

I don't get it. I thought this was, you know...a porno.

It is. All male. It's a bigger market.

You never told me that.

The ad said lookin' for a stud. Straight men don't watch porno for studs.

Vic, I'm not gay.

Hey, Sugar's bi.

I'm serious, I can't do this. I've never been with a man. I don't know if I could. Can I think about it?

Kid, there's fifty other assholes just like you I could call who'd eat their own shit for a role in one of my movies, but I thought I'd give you a break. Now get in the studio or get the fuck out.

Yeah, ok.

Good. Sugar, let's pick you out a staff

You comin'?