The Meditation Polka

© by Sherwood Ross 2002

(John seated at a desk; Joe and Sam are in audience, one left, one right.)

John

Good evening. John Repetitious here with all your evening news from the exciting world of transcendental meditation. With Joe Vegetarian in Lhasa-

Joe

O-h-m!

John

With Sam O'Rye in Hokkaido, Japan-

Sam

O-h-m!

John

First, a word from our sponsor, Maharishi Temple Number Two in Los Angeles!

John, Joe, and Sam

O-h-m!

John

Now, to all of our viewers, let's get transcendental together. Everybody, a great big o-h-m!

Audience

O-h-m!

John

Thank you, and now to Joe Vegetarian in Lhasa. What's the big news tonight?

Joe

It was announced here today that a humble temple monk has become the first man in the last seven hundred year in Lhasa to achieve enlightenment!

John

Enlightenment! Wow! What is his name?

Joe

Baba!

John

Baba who?

Joe

Just Baba! He's very humble.

John

Must have attracted a big crowd. Did you get to interview him?

Joe

I was very lucky. Got him on tape.

John

Go ahead, Joe. Roll the tape. Ladies and gentleman: the voice of Baba, the Enlighted One.

Joe

(High, fruity voice) O-h-m! O-h-m!

John

He said that?

Joe

Every word of it.

John

I'm so choked up. Ladies and gentlemen, give me just a moment here, to, to, continue. Perhaps for the first time ever on the air - we, we've actually heard the voice of enlightenment. Now, to Sam O'Rye in Hokkaido. Sam, what's the news in Japan?

Sam

Grim news tonight, I'm afraid, John. Two zen buhdist temple monks who found enlightment only five years ago, lost it today. And what's more, they don't know where they lost it.

John

Oh, my God! That's awful! What's being done?

Sam

A search party has been assembled made up of eleven channels to scour the cosmos for it.

John

Are they coming close, do you think?

Sam

Temple authorities expect a break any century now.

John

Wonderful. Ah, what steps is the Japanese government taking?

Sam

Steps is the wrong word, John. When you search for enlightenment it's important to stay in one place.

John

Of course. Is Tokyo, shall we say, uh, responding?

Sam

Yes, they've taken an extraordinary initiative. The government has ordered twenty-five thousand pillows for the mob of people who are expected to show up in the temple courtyard tomorrow morning to chant for the recovery of the missing enlightenment. Wait! Wait! We're going to take you live now to the Diet building in downtown Tokyo for a statement from the Prime Minister.

John

Come in, Transcendental News at the Diet. Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister of Japan.

Prime Minister

(Same high, fruity voice from Joe Vegetarian.) Oh-m! O-h-m!

John

(Beat) Sam, was that actually the prime minister?

Sam

Yes, and thousands of people standing outside the Diet are applauding him.

John

Magnificent! But why don't we hear it here?

Sam

Of course, you can't hear it, John. It's the sound of one hand clapping.

John

Ladies and gentlemen, what an exciting news night. And what better way to top off an exciting broadcast than to hear from our very own Transcendental Fool Number One, Sherwood Ross.

Song: Meditation Polka

Meditators grab your auras and...

Dance the meditation polka (pause)

Just stare for an hour or two (pause)

Dance the meditation polka

Now you can turn your brain into glue

Dance the Meditation Polka

Everybody up in your head!

Be you Moslem, Hindu, Christian Jew, and you ain't got much to do, meditate!

It's the next best thing to being dead.

1-2-3-4, lotus lotus on the floor

5-6-7-8, California's like wow! a heavy state!

Dance the meditation polka (pause)

The ashram's a trendy place to meet

I'm telepathing the brunette on the next ma

Our spirits joined at a weekend retreat

Our floor mats are inching close together, as we do our mutual, complementary trance

We're exchanging some really significant brain waves

And we'll consummate our love just like plants!

Everybody, out of body, out of body now, Marin! Marin! Marin county! Sausalito! Wow Wow WOW

Dance the meditation polks (pause)

Say farewell to all of your cares

Find the inner peace you're seeking, become like the tables and chairs

Achieve a placid state forever, like cows that munch and say mo-o-o-

For the ultimate in human emptiness, you stare at me and I'll stare back at you!

1-2-3-4, all Big Sur is on the floor! 5-6-7-8, transcendental feels so great! 9-10-11- (stares)

Ohm! O-h-m!

"The Meditation Polka" debuted March 1, 2002. Scene performed by Clinton Johnston, Lee Moyer and Sherwood Ross; song performed by Sherwood Ross.

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