Skeleton Alisa vs. Flesh Alisa: Final Death Match

by the Newly Reunited Skeleton Alisa and Flesh Alisa

Om ok you know what freaks me out? Those toilets with the motion detector flushers? Because om like I HATE it when they flush while you’re STILL THE FUCK ON THEM. Right? I mean like you’re sitting there. Doing your business. And then they flush on you! And like, pretty much SUCK the refuse right out of you, right??

But what if they, om, what if they like sucked out your internal bone structure too? I think about this! What if it om sucked out your skeleton and then sent it through the Iowa City plumbing system? So then there would be Skeleton Alisa and Flesh Alisa; one wandering the underworld and one wandering the above. Om, spooky!

Yeah and then Skeleton Alisa would wind up in some trash heap and om some creepy guy who still spikes his hair up like he did in high school would find me and think I was cool and put me back in his apartment with an excellent sound system. And om, put me in a corner of his living room, so all his comp lit major friends can see me and thereby om think he’s cool when they come over to drink their amaretto sours.

But om now bear in mind, Fleshy Alisa is still wandering campus, living her life as a blob of super sexy unsculpted flesh. I mean, I would still have to om like go to class and go to the bars and stuff. And I would probably go to Brothers and I would probably get a little wasted and om this guy would come up to me and say I was the hottest blob of flesh he’d ever seen. I would blush, which om wouldn’t really look so much like blushing as om you know like mlllaaah but still I would be like so flattered? And he’d say it’s his first time in any sort of place like this, and I’d say I don’t care, and he’d say want to come back to my place because I have a skeleton in my apartment that would really match your flesh, and I’d be like, No!

But then om he’d be like really persistent, and say that he had like really good movies and a great sound system, and I would say no thank you sir! I may just be a blob of flesh looking for my bones, but I am not a slut! And he would say but pleeease, how cool would it be if I could put skin over the skeleton I have. It’s just standing there. It looks lonely.

And then I’d get it! That was long lost Skeleton Alisa he would be talking about! So fine, I would go over there but om, only to steal me, and sneak out fast!

So om, I’d follow the seven FREAKING LONG BLOCKS. IN MY HEALS. IN THE RAIN. WITHOUT INTERNAL BONE STRUCTURE. And om we’d finally get there. And there would be like Videodrome and Eraserhead posters om on the wall, and om, I would peak in his room and he would totally have that one of the two girls kiss in their panties on his wall, right? But really, right when I’d walk in, I’d see me! And I’d wave to me! But Skeleton Me wouldn’t wave back. It wouldn’t have muscles! Hello!

So while om he would be all amaretto sour? I would be all, gotta go! And he would be all wait! And I would be all om no and start to book it the fuck out of there! And he would say you’ve stolen my skeleton. And I would say no. And he would say yes! I can see it under your skin! I would be, shut up!

So now that om my innards and my outtards would be once again rejoined, I would run! Like the wind! And I would learn my lesson. Never to use those automatic toilets again. Seriously.

• September 29, 2006 - No Shame Iowa City
  

  Performed by Alisa Rosenthal

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