BLEEDING HEART CONSERVATIVE
By Brian E. Rochlin
(Pauline, dressed in conservative work clothes, tidy, agitated, begins speaking)
I dont believe I was wrong. I dont believe I was wrong at all. And although I rarely use such language, that man was indeed a a Nigger. Now I have been raised in the same politically correct environment as you, and I know how wrong the use of the N-word is.
I do not believe white people are better than black people, and I do believe the black man has been wronged. But in this case, I was wronged, and it wasnt the justifiable act of a societally disadvantaged individual with no recourse. Well, yes, Im sure he was societally disadvantaged. They all are. But he was not without recourse. And even if he were, it was not justifiable.
Counting on her fingers, she rethinks the logic of her argument and then nods, knowing shes gotten it right.
And I dont think all black people who are jerks are that. Just sometimes, like with the F-word, sometimes, it really is the only accurate word to use.
Now I am not a racist. I mean if my daughters heart were failing or diseased, and the only donor was a little black boy, I certainly wouldnt stand in the way of her taking that boys heart. (beat) That he so generously sacrificed.
But today, I was perhaps not on my best behavior. Not that Im completely to blame.
I was driving not on Skid Row, but near it. And there was this filthy, scruffy man, sitting on a milk carton eating a slice of watermelon. Truly. And theyre not even in season.
I was driving in that part of town because I just wasnt paying attention. Otherwise, I never would have been there. I just dont drive in that part of town.
I had been fired for making insensitive remarks. It was really just a harmless joke, but I had been warned, and though no one was complaining, HR was walking by, and wasnt willing to take the risk of it ballooning into something more.
So, I was just in an unusually foul mood. It really wasnt like me. So, when he looks up at me driving my car (which Im thinking I might not be able to keep), and says, "Hey, you, give me a dollar," I yell back at him, "Why dont you get a job."
And he goes, "Why dont you get out your Beemer and suck my big Nig you know what. He wasnt talking about his watermelon rind. And this isnt like me, but I said, Why dont you take that tiny N-word D-word of yours and shove it right up your filthy Nigger ass.
He throws the slice of watermelon to the ground, gets up, and starts walking over to the car. Now I wanted to just hit the gas, but the light was red and there was cross traffic, and I didnt think to raise the window. He comes right up to my car and spits in my face and turns around, and calls meMEa little bitch f-ing whore.
The light turned green and I hit the gas and I looked in my rear view mirror and saw him turn and drop his filthy pants and, well, moon me. And he wasnt very clean.
And then, I did something that Well, I dont know where it came from. It was something I couldnt have even imagined, it was so completely unlike me. I What I did was What I did waswithout even thinking about itwas I just slammed on the brakes, and then and then my hand fell to the gear shift. My hand, it locked onto the gear shift andI still cant believe itit locked onto the gear shift, and I put the car in reverse. I put the car in reverse in an instant without even thinking about it. And I floored it. I floored it, jamming the accelerator right down to the metal
Well, I dont know what I dont know if I dont know if it was me or fate or luck, but I didnt. I actually put the car in neutral and didnt do anything Id regret even more. Something Id regret so much I could have never admitted it to my little girl or anyone. I just yelled out the window, "Fuck you, Nigger." Because thats what I believed he was. And I drove off shaking.
Look, I know racism is wrong. In theory. Well, I imagine in reality, too. And I know that just because I grew up with Southern parents, I dont have an excuse. But when you think about it, we cant escape it.
Say youre in the middle of downtown LA, walking in the dead of night on Skid Row, and a black man were to walk across the street towards you, carrying a knife. You would be just as nervous as the next person. I know thats true.
Now, take away the knife.
Now put Skid Row in a small town. Right?
Now make it any ol abandoned street.
Now, make it not even nighttime, just dusk, and the street isnt empty, but almost.
You see what Im saying. We all feel that fear. And if we all fear it, how irrational can it be?
Now say back in college, you were in that exact situation (small town, dusk) and a strange black man pulled you by your hair into an alley and beat you and raped you. Even though the statistics say that youll be raped by a friend or someone you know. Say that didnt happen, but this did.
I know all this should be easy, and I should be a better example to my family. I know Im not good at this, and that I should be different, but really I just had a bad day today and said something I shouldnt have said. And maybe I shouldnt be sorry because he was really out of line too, but I am. Because it should be easy even if you dont feel that way, even if maybe its justified, not to use the N-word. But I swearon my daughters tiny black heartit wasnt.
FADE TO BLACKTHIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Tenaya Cleveland