copyright © 1999 Zachary Robertson

I left Jesus In My Other Pants

By Zachary "Keeper of the Hamster" Robertson

 

(enters)

Man: (screaming) GREETINGS ASSHOLES! I AM THE SON OF THE NEWLY REVIVED PISSED-OFF-AT-YOU-DUMBSHIT-FUCKED-UP-BUT-GOOD-MORTALS-21ST CENTURY-GOD!

And you know, I have back mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore. If I have to sit through one more fucking Heaven/Hell softball match I swear to fucking God I am going to snap. And at that point there is a severe ass whooping needing to be administered.

I mean, what is with you people? Come in! I check out on vacation, that I think I have earned, for a couple of years and I come back to find this? I am gone for one moment and I come back to find you all about blowing each other’s shit up in Northern Ireland and doing it in my dad’s name? Folks, let me just tell you it doesn’t matter who wins in Northern Ireland… YOU’RE ALL GOING TO HELL ANYWAY! READ COMMMANDMENT ONE! It says: "Thou shall not kill". It doesn’t read: "Thou shall blow each other’s shit up and kill each other over the fact you both worship the same god!" God says you are all wrong and you are all going to hell. Enjoy it, it’s warmer than Ireland.

In case you didn’t hear me the first time I am the son of that God. But none of you believe it, do you? You should. I have the power to turn you into a leper at will. None of this peace and love shit anymore. You almost had it right at Woodstock - the first one, not the over commercialized pathetic attempt to recreate something that I inspired - until Wavy Gravy warned you about the brown acid. You see the brown acid was all a part of my plan. Fuck you Wavy Gravy.

Instead of being King Shit one more time I am reduced to rising the subway and seating myself in a puddle of man juices that some gonorrhea filled motherfucker decided to leave behind for the commuting public. Why do I do it? Because I am the Son of God and I sacrifice myself for your sins. No hammer, no nails, just puss filled nightmares and brown acid.

This is what I am reduced to. This is where you have brought me. That’s right… you… and you… and you… and that motherfucker over there… you best watch it son, my leper gun ain’t set on stun. You, individually and as a whole, have brought me to where I am now. You have brought me to a stage to scream and yell at you like I am suffering from delusions of grandeur.

Could a man suffering from delusions of grandeur do this? (pause) Did you feel that? Did you? Hmmmmmmmmm? I just touched your souls. If you felt it gimmie a "hell yeah!". I said gimmie a "HELL YEAH!". Gimmie a "GOD BEND ME OVER A CHAIR AND MAKE IT HURT SO BAD I CRY HELL YEAH!" You know, you’re all a bunch of fucking liars.

You felt nothing because you have no souls. You left them behind a long time ago. I could have touched your souls. I should have touched your souls. But somewhere along the line you gave up on me. You figured "Well shit, he’s already been by once, what are the odds he’ll come by again?" I’d play those odds in Vegas… surprise… I’m back.

You see folks I am the key. That’s right, the guy right here in front of you is the key and there is something that you can do about it…

HAVE FAITH.

Now I am not talking about the freeze-dried Jerry Falwell type of faith. I am talking about the genuine deep in your chest cavity where you r soul usually is type of faith.

Best part is… faith is free. And if that wasn’t reason enough you have proof of that faith right here in front of you. That’s right… THE SON OF GOD IS RIGHT HERE! LOOK AT ME I AM YOUR FUTURE! I AM THE FACE YOU SHOULD FOLLOW! Are you that afraid of what you can’t explain?

Are you?

You lock it up without a second thought. You condemn me without knowing me. You boo, you hiss… you grab your hammer and your nails.

Confine me… I am freedom.

Hate me… I am love.

Kill me… I am life.

Dilute me… I am more powerful.

Shun me… I am acceptance.

(smiles)

Love me… I am yours.

(exit)

"I left Jesus In My Other Pants" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"I left Jesus In My Other Pants" debuted December 3, 1999 performed by Zachary Robertson.

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