Open with the MAN sitting at a desk, handcuffs around his wrists.
He has his head hung to start, as the POLICEMAN is typing his
report. There is a loud POP! somewhere offstage. (Production
note: A paper bag works great) The cop groans.
POLICEMAN
(shouting offstage)
Why didn't you tell me he was about to do it?
The Policeman gets up and walks off in direction of the pop. The Man picks his head up and begins to relate his tale to a cop that isn't even there anymore.
MAN
It's a simple story. Really, it is. It has not even one
shred of complication to it... no, not one... that is if you
believe in magic. You see, it all started on my eighth birthday.
(he sighs)
Everything hit the fan on my eighth birthday because that was the
year that I decided that I wanted a puppy. I begged and pleaded
for a puppy, but alas, my parents had moved into a building that
did not allow dogs. But my begging went on. I was not going to
rest until I a puppy or a kitty-- or at least something four
legged and furry. And when I was a kid... man... could I throw a
fit. I really had a good set of lungs for my age. If I wanted
something bad enough I would set my lungs to work and scream at
the top of my lungs. The next day, without fail, I would get it.
Not from my parents, oh no, but from the neighbors across the
hall, sometimes the ones above us, below us... I thought that I
heard them arguing at one point about who's turn it was next
time I threw a fit.
(beat)
But I digress. So, I began my fit. My lungs did their usual
bang-up job, and inside of ten minutes the Super was knocking on
my door to inform my father that caged pets were acceptable in
the building. Enter Terrance my "magic hamster". My dad
brought him into my room that night, cage and all. He set
Terrance down on my bed and beamed a wide smile. "Son,"
he said. "This is your new pet. He's a hamster."
(a slight laugh)
Dad was always one to state the obvious. "But this is no
ordinary hamster... oh no! This is a magic hamster."
(in a child's voice)
"A magic hamster?"
(back to adult)
"Yep. Last one the pet shop had." I could see the gleam
in dad's eyes, he was truly enjoying this.
(beat)
Now, I knew the hamster wasn't magic, I was young, but not
stupid. The hamster wasn't magic at all, and the guy at the
pet shop must have been a fraud. The important thing, however,
was that dad was having a good time. So in that respect I thought
it best that for dad at that stage in his life I would let him go
on believing in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny... and yes... even
magic hamsters.
(child's voice)
"Wow! A magic hamster just for me dad? You're the
greatest!"
(normal)
My father was ever the fair one and told me to thank my mother as
well. When I shouted my thanks out to the living room I
wasn't sure if she had heard or not, she didn't
respond. I think it was that man dad always referred to as
"Mr. Valium" had stopped by. Whenever he did mom
wasn't too energetic. Well... at least she looked like she
was enjoying Knight Rider. So my father left me and my new pet
alone. I watched Terrance play around in his cage for a minute...
spinning on his wheel and the likes... then I decided to take him
out of his cage and pet him. He was just so damn cute... I had to
give him a kiss on his little nose.
The Man raises his hands to his lips in a pantomime of the
memory
.
MAN (cont'd)
It was then that Terrance exploded.
(hold for a beat)
And when I say exploded I mean just that. Terrance, what had been
a cute little furry ball of love just seconds before was now a
mass of blood and gore running down my face. Naturally I
screamed. I ran out of my bedroom still covered in the remains of
my now vaporized pet and straight into the arms of my mother. She
never noticed that I was busily wiping blood all over her blue
mu-mu. In fact all she could say is something to the effect of
"That Kit couldn't do anything without Michael
Knight!" My father was, thankfully, more observant. In fact
his exact words were "Holy fucking shit my Christ!"
(child's voice)
"Daddy! Daddy! Come look! Terrance exploded!!"
(adult voice)
And dad said to me: "You named him Terrance?" Dad was
rather slow, sometimes you could actually hear the gears clicking
into place. Finally he got it. "What do you mean he
exploded?" Not wanting to explain I grabbed his hand and
dragged him into my bedroom, where upon noticing the blood that
adorned the walls he remarked "What did you do? Squeeze him
until he popped?" But when I pointed to the cage I stopped
short.
(beat)
There, in his cage, was Terrance. Whole. He was completely
intact, spinning on his wheel around and around. I didn't
get it. Neither did my father. He left my room cursing the mess I
had made and complaining about how he'd have to get my
mother up in the morning to clean it. I still couldn't wrap
my mind around it. Maybe... just maybe... Terrance was really
magic!
Another loud Pop! comes from offstage, followed by a quick
burst of cheering.
MAN (cont'd)
How did this land me in jail? Fast forward about fourteen years.
Now I'm twenty-two and on my own. I'm single and on a
desperate search to find a woman who's first impulse is not
to vomit on my shoes. After striking out several times in several
different bars I decided I needed a gimmick. My gimmick? You
guessed it... Terrance. I know what you're thinking... an
exploding hamster has a life span that can last over fourteen
years? Hey... who am I to claim expertise over anything about an
exploding hamster? But anyway, he was my gimmick. So one night I
took him to a bar. I spotted this woman in there, her name was
Kylie I think, and oh man! She was hot... I mean really hot! As
soon as I saw her I wanted to--
(beat)
I digress. So anyway I bought two drinks and sat next to Kylie
sliding one over to her. She looks at me and says "What are
you doing?" And I say "Buying you a drink". She
smiles and says "I don't drink". Uh-oh, plan one
down, time to bring in the big guns. Enter Terrance the Wonder
Hamster of Pure Love. It is a scientific fact that ninety-six
percent of women cannot resist a cute furry ball of love.
(shrugs)
Who knew? She watched roam around the table for a bit, falling
for the hamster and me at the same time.
(beat)
Now I don't know why it slipped my mind, maybe it was
because I was so wrapped up in the moment... but Kylie picked
Terrance to pet him. It was then Terrance exploded. Naturally she
screamed.
The Man gets more excited. His pace picks up.
MAN (cont'd)
I was in real trouble now. Deciding to beat a hasty retreat I ran
for the door. Amazingly I ran headlong into a cop who just
happened to be walking outside. Just my luck. I quickly
apologized, but the cop would have none of that. He wanted to
strike up a dialogue with me. So I put on a blank face and
answered every question he asked me. Who I was... where I was
going in such a hurry... It was then I felt movement in my
pocket. Terrance had returned from wherever it was he went in his
little explosions. I couldn't have Terrance out now, I just
wanted to leave the mess and poor Kylie behind and go home. So I
thrust my hand in my pocket in order to keep Terrance under
control. I ended the conversation with the cop thinking that I
was home free when there was a muffled pop! from inside my
pocket. Satisfied that I wasn't insane the officer decided
to let me go on my way. He extended his hand in a polite
offering... I said "Oh that's okay officer. I'll
just be on my way." the cop answered "If you don't
shake my hand I'll begin to think that you're hiding
something. Grimacing I took my hand from my pocket. Now,
according to etiquette you are supposed to look someone in the
eyes when shaking their hand, not at their hand... this officer
was well schooled because we mad instant eye contact. Him, me.
Me, him.
(beat)
It wasn't until the blood ran down his hand that he arrested
me. The first thing they did was confected poor Terrance.
Another Pop! sounds offstage followed by more hoots and
hollers. A JANITOR walks out, throwing a mop to the stage.
JANITOR
I ain't cleanin' dat up!
MAN
(shaking his head)
They told me that they are going to get a search warrant for my
house. I just hope they don't touch Bomber my St. Bernard...
he's harder to explain than Terrance is.
Another Pop! offstage followed my more amused shouts. The Man
just bows his head again.
end
"How I Exploded out of Childhood and into a Jail Cell... All Thanks to that Wonderful Hamster Named Terrance" debuted October 3, 1997, performed by Zachary Robertson.
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