By "Jamal" River
341-0373
Jamal is on stage.
Jamal: Hello, my name is Jamal River, and I like to do skits here at No Shame. And as some of
you have probably noticed, sometimes I like to do what are called "Poop Skits". And as some of
you have probably noticed, these "Poop Skits" are rarely well received. In a moment, I am going
to share with you my latest effort in the world of Poop Skits, and a lot of people want to know
why. Why would I intentionally bring about the disgusted mutters, the nasty ISCA comments?
What is my motivation? Well I'll tell you: Poop Skits are more than just something I think are
funny, they're a part of who I am. They're a part of my background, a part of my culture. And if
that disgusts you, well then I guess that makes you a racist. A miserable bigot. Now I know what
you're saying, "Well sure, Jamal, that's all fine and bullshit, but doesn't doing 5 minutes of poop
jokes in front of a poop hating audience make you uncomfortable?" The answer is yes. And that is
why I will not be appearing in my newest poop sketch. _________, __________, would you like
to come up here, please? (Enter _______ and _______.) Ladies and gentlebutts, I give
you...
another poop skit.
Exit Jamal. The lights dim for a moment, then rise. _______ and ________ are now in
character.
______ plays Smee, _______ plays Gahsmee.
Gahsmee: Hey, Smee! How's it going?
Smee: Oh... alright.
Gahsmee: What's wrong?
Smee: I... I have to poop.
Gahsmee: Hey! That's great! Congratulations!
Smee: No! You understand! I don't want to poop!
Gahsmee: What are you talking about? Of course you do!
Smee: No... I don't.
Gahsmee: Well... what are saying?
Smee: Don't you understand? I don't want to poop! I'm not ready to poop! Not now!
Gahsmee: Well it's a little late! You should have thought of that about 7 hours ago when you ate
that burrito! Now you're just gonna have to deal with the consequences of your actions!
Smee: Look, I don't need a lecture from you! It's my butt, and if I don't want poop to come out of
it then that's my decision!
Gahsmee: Smee, listen! God put that poop in your butt because he wants it to come out!
Smee: This isn't about God! This is about me deciding for myself when and if I want to
poop!
Gahsmee: OK, so fine! Even if you don't want to poop, what are you going to do about it
now?!
Smee (pulling out a clothes hanger): I'll do whatever I have to.
Gahsmee: No! No, you wouldn't murder your own turds?! You can't!
Smee: This is my decision. I've already made up my mind. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to
go put a clothes hanger in my butt and stab at my poops.
Smee begins to walk off.
Gahsmee: You'll burn in hell for this, Smee! Don't say I didn't warn you!
Gahsmee exits in the opposite direction.
Jamal (from audience): 15 minutes later!
Enter Smee with a baggie. Enter Gahsmee.
Gahsmee: Hello, Smee.
Smee: Hello.
Gahsmee: What's in the bag?
Smee: Turds.
Gahsmee: What?!
Smee: I said turds!
Gahsmee: Oh! That's great! You changed your mind! I knew you wouldn't go through with
it!
Smee: You idiot! I tried to go through with it! I put the clothes hanger in my butt and stabbed at
the poops, but they came out anyway! Alls I did was break `em into little chunks!
Gahsmee (gently): Oh... huh... Well... I guess you just can't stop a poop, huh?
Smee (melancholy): No... I guess you can't.
They look somber. The lights go down slow. The audience claps because they loved
it.
"Yes, Mose Hayward Smelt It. And Yes, He Dealt It." debuted October 1, 1999, performed by Jamal River, Dan Brooks and Kyle Lange.
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