copyright © 1988 Todd Ristau

A really clever idea, aka A piece for Scott and Me:

Piece for Scott and Me


(lights up on S amd M. S packs or cleans, M drinks coffee or stares at a soup bowl.)

M: He’s clever.

S: Who?

M: Richard. A deceitful bastard and an egotist, but clever.

S: I wouldn’t know, I’ve never spoken to him.

M: A really clever idea.

S: What?

M: Didn’t you hear at the party tonight?

S: I told you, I’ve never met him.

M: Balls. You said you’d never spoken to him. That’s not surprising, no one speaks to

Richard. He speaks to you. He’s a bastard. But clever. A really clever bastard.

S: Stop brooding and help me pick up, or tell me what you’re on about.

M: So simple. So easy. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it myself.

S: Because you’re not as clever as Richard.

M: You’ve never met him!

S: He was at the party, wasn’t he? I must have met him!

M: (very suspicious) Why say you didn’t then?

S: Perhaps I wanted to steal his really clever idea before you did.

M: You wouldn’t have the nerve.

S: Bollocks. A really clever idea can be stolen by another equally clever person.

M: A really clever person would know better than to brag about a really clever idea like this one being capable of being stolen.

S: (desperate) Look, look! I don’t want to discuss it any more! (pause) I gave Richard the idea in the first place.

M: You’re lying. You don’t have two brain cells to rub together. The last clever idea you had was that it might be better to drop your trousers if you’re going to take a shit. Richard wouldn’t even speak to you.

S: We’ve been lovers for years.

M: You’re pathetic. Richard doesn’t even know how clever he was. Accidental genius. He thought he was making a joke, and I was clever enough to take him seriously. He’ll be as shocked as the rest.

S: The rest of whom? Shocked at what?

M: At a really clever idea.

S: For God’s sake! Stop sitting there drinking your coffee and toying with me!

M: Ah, you’ll never really fit in anywhere, will you Scott? It’s not your fault. You see, in this world there are two types of people. One type is clever and the other type either admires or despises the first.

S: That’s three types, actually.

M: Fuck off, you’re either clever or you aren’t.

S: And that’s you, then is it? Clever?

M: You’ll see. Monday morning in the Times there’s going to be a story, and a lot of

people will be talking about a really clever idea.....

(fade out)


Performed in 1988 with the Good Scott Smith and myself. Voices like those in Withnail and I

[Todd Ristau's website] [Ristau Entertainment Ltd.]

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