ODIOUS WORDS AND PHRASES

(The title is announced from back of house, then lights up to reveal a human skeleton sitting center stage in a wheeled office chair. TODD enters from the vomitorium carrying a giant cardboard and styrofoam crucifix He recites a series of words tinged with ironic malice as he makes his way to the stage.)

I’m sorry.
Trust me.
Free sample.
Pre-approved.
Guaranteed.
Low risk.
High yield.
Don’t worry.
I’ll be back.
You can't lose.
You can't miss it.
You’ll never even notice.
You’ll be fine.
No one will notice.
No one will know.
No one cares.
No one saw.
No one will talk.
Everyone else is.
You can tell me when to stop.
We’re separating.
What would God think?
I never said that.
I meant it when I said it.
Hi there.
What's your sign?
Haven't I seen you here before?
Well, what did you think?
Yeah, call me sometime.
It’s a date.
Don’t you love me?
We can still be friends.
We need to talk.
I don’t need medication.
I need my space.
Just try it.
I’ll remember.
I remember you.
I forgot.
Can’t fail.
Mail-in rebate.
Once can't hurt.
You're a natural.
I knew a guy who did.
It worked in rehearsal.
It’s copyright-free.
Just for appearances.
I promise.
We’ve done this before.
No reflection on you.
Let’s have lunch.
Full artistic control.
Submit receipts for reimbursement.
I never considered anyone else.
In good faith.
Contract.
Percentage of net.

(Once on stage he circles the skeleton until about to speak the last word, when he reaches out as though to shake the skeleton’s hand. The hand and forearm come away from the body as he shakes it. TODD turns to the audience with a big smile, the skeletal arm pointing at the crowd, and says the final word.)

Partner.

(lights out)

• q.v. Millie by Todd Ristau