copyright © 2006 Todd Ristau

I Love America Because....

By Todd Wm. Ristau

(Lights up on two men sitting at a table. One is a LIBERAL, the other is a CONSERVATIVE.)

LIBERAL: I love America because we are a democracy.



LIBERAL: (turning to CONSERVATIVE) Then how come you are so supportive of an administration which actively sought to keep us from having a balloting system where votes could be counted, verified, and that ensures the principle of one man one vote is protected. Instead your president's party engaged in massive voter fraud, intimidation, gerrymandering, and took large campaign contributions from the Diebold company--which makes voting machines without paper trails, are not 100% safe from tampering, and whose CEO promised that he would deliver the state of Ohio to the President.



CONSERVATIVE: I love America because of our Freedoms and Liberty.

LIBERAL: Me too. (LIBERAL smiles, then looks nervous, and turns to CONSERVATIVE). Which freedoms do you mean?

CONSERVATIVE: Are you stupid? (counting on his fingers as he recites the following) Freedom of worship...

LIBERAL: Then how come you are constantly trying to impose a specific brand of conservative Christian ideology on the 15% of Americans who are not Christian and the 85% who are?

CONSERVATIVE: (ignoring him) Freedom of association...

LIBERAL: Then how come you are supportive of infiltrating groups which are critical of your president and actively seek to limit the ability of homosexuals to marry or publically express their sexuality?

CONSERVATIVE: Freedom of speech...

LIBERAL: Then how come your president only speaks before military or hand picked supportive crowds and dissenters are relegated to "Free Speech Zones"? And how come conservative alumni groups are paying conservative students to spy on and report their instructors at Universities if the teachers speak out against their government or the President in their classrooms? Or pressuring corporations with boycots if they advertise in gay magazines or express an idea that you don't agree with? Or applaud conservative corporations who fire employees for having bumper stickers which express ideas or candidates they oppose? Or that guy who got banned from a mall for wearing an anti-war t-shirt that he bought at that mall?

CONSERVATIVE: Freedom of the press....

LIBERAL: Then how come you're always screaming about the bias of mainstream media, happy about pressuring media through corporate advertising not to run stories critical of the administration or the war, and don't seem to care that your president gave more White House access to a gay male prostitute than he does to legitimate journalists? And why do you like that he actively threatens to cut off access to journalists who ask probing, difficult questions which might embarrass the President? Or that any difficult line of questioning immediately gets cut short by calling it a threat to national security and then accuse the press of giving comfort and aid to the enemy when their investigations uncover wrong doing or deception by this President and his administration?

CONSERVATIVE: Freedom from an oppressive authoritarian state....

LIBERAL: Then how come you are supportive of a president who is actively taking measures to create a legal precedent for the head of state being above the law, and who can spy on every aspect of your private life and communication including web searches, faxes, and telephone calls? Or who, as a result of presumed "War Powers" in a war which by definition has no identifiable measure of when it will be concluded, is able to arrest and detain any American citizen without charge or notification of their families for as long as they choose? Or that this President is surrounding himself with those who agree that he has the authority and the responsibility to order that detainees be tortured, if not by us then by sub-contractors in nations where torture is legal?

CONSERVATIVE: Freedom from the abuses that come from monarchies or dictatorships....I love how our Founding Fathers created a system of checks and balances to the power of government....That we have a two party system.....

LIBERAL: Then how come you are working to lable any opposition as treasonous, and to give the executive office powers over the other branches of government which the Constitution specifically prohibits?

CONSERVATIVE: I love America because we believe in equality, that any American regardless of race, creed, or economic background can rise to become the President, and that we are a nation devoted to representing the interests of the little guy against the powerful. I love that we are a nation who have a clear, fair, and impartial system of justice and dedicated to the principles of Law.

LIBERAL: (stunned into silence and staring at CONSERVATIVE for a moment in slack jawed disbelief) Come on...What do you really love about America?

CONSERVATIVE: I love that we're strong enough to kick any other nation's ass if they don't do what we want.

LIBERAL: (pause while this is digested) At least you're being honest. That's refreshing.

CONSERVATIVE: Thank you. (pause) Do you believe in Jesus?

LIBERAL: (pause, suspicious) Yes.

CONSERVATIVE: What do you love most about Jesus?

LIBERAL: I love his devotion to the spirit of the law, rather than the letter of the law. I love his doctrine of forgiveness instead of retribution, his advocting for generosity instead of greed, and his gospel of love instead of hate. (pause) What do you love most about Jesus?

CONSERVATIVE: (excited) That I'm forgiven because he loves me, and he's gonna kick the ass come Judgement Day of everyone who doesn't love Him back and then toss every single motherfucker that ever lived who isn't just exactly like me into a lake of fire where they can snap, crackle and pop for all eternity while I sit back and cool my heels in Heaven singing Hallelujah.


(LIBERAL looks very sad and becomes quiet)

CONSERVATIVE: What? (agitated pause) What?

LIBERAL: So, basically, you like an America and a Church that make you feel superior to everybody else and will punish people who aren't like you.

CONSERVATIVE: See, that's exactly what I hate about you're all anti-America and anti-Christian. (stands in a rage) Stop persecuting me, asshole. We're taking names and kicking ass. You're gonna be sorry, just wait and see.

(CONSERVATIVE gets up and storms off the stage)

LIBERAL: I'm already as sorry as I can get........I hope.

(Lights slowly fade)


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