copyright © 2004 Todd Ristau


by Todd Wm. Ristau

(lights up on an empty podium)

OFF STAGE VOICE: Ladies and gentlemen, the Senator from Georgia, Zell Miller!

(Zell Miller steps to the podium)

ZELL MILLER: Do I love my family?

Hell yes, I do!

Do you love your family?

What kind of rotten rabid yellow gutter dog would you be if you didn't?

I'm gonna talk plain enough tonight so even the dim wits in my political party can understand what I'm saying....This election will determine what kind of world our families grow up in, live in, die in, and then will be buried in.

I ask myself, "Zell, which one of these two candidates has the will power and the backbone to keep my family above ground for the longest period of time, and while they're not dead, keep them free?"

A clear question deserves a clear answer.

George W. Bush.

You say, "Hey, Zell, aren't you a Democrat?"

Hell yes, I'm a Democrat.

"Hey, Zell," you ask, "Then why are you the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention?"

Because my family is more important than my party! Isn't yours?

If not, why the hell not?

Would you sell your children for a few precious (sneering)civil liberties? I know I wouldn't. I know an honest to goodness real live American wouldn't either. Where does that put you?

Why are you hating America and tearing this country apart with your protesting and hedonistic sodomy?

Where is bipartisanship when we need it most? There's a war on, people! I'm here today to show you just how big the Republican Tent can be. You can even be a Democrat and get inside!

Is this a great country or what?

All you gotta do is sign a little bitty ol' loyalty oath. And if you can't do that, maybe you deserve to be handcuffed, thrown to the ground, and hauled off in a truck to chant your communist slogans in a jail cell!

Americans are dying in the sands of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan, but instead of going after the enemy, members of my own party are doing the work of the enemy by attacking the Commander in Chief!

Shame on you.

You'all make this Marine madder than a fella at a turkey shoot who left his best shooting iron back at his mother in law's last Christmas.

I'm not ashamed to support George W. Bush over that feller who volunteered to fight in Viet Nam and then spat in his country's eye by throwing his medals over the White House fence.

When they tell you that the democrat served honorably and the republican is a deserter, DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT! (1)

When they tell you that the democrat earned a silver star and three purple hearts and the republican has been photographed wearing medals he didn't even earn, DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT! (2)

When they tell you that the democrat thinks things through and isn't afraid to change his mind when the facts prove him wrong but that the republican is an arogant fool who wouldn't change his mind about claiming it was a sunny day if the rainwater was washing his farm out from under his feet--DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT! (3)

When they try to tell you that the democrat has a plan to win the war on terror and the republican can't make up his mind about whether it can be won or not, DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT! (4)

If you do, Zell Miller is going to get all up in your face.




You can't make a chicken swim, and you can't make John Kerry anything but an out-of-touch ultraliberal from Taxachussetts. He's a demonic hell spawn out to drag this country through the sewer and thinks the White House is in Paris.

He's a Catholic who favors abortion, he prefered Jane Fonda to Richard Nixon for all the wrong reasons, and he's not the man I want protecting my family.

I don't think you want him protecting yours either.

When it comes to patriotism, courage, faith, conviction, will power, backbone, steely eyed forward thinking visionary wisdom...John Kerry is an empty vessel.

I've knocked on the door of George Bush's soul and found someone home, a God-fearing someone with a good heart and a spine of tempered steel.

I found the only man I trust more than myself to protect my precious family and yours.

Americans, you have some choosing to do.

We can't afford your indeciveness right now. We can't afford to have even 8% of you undecided. Not making a decision about this election RIGHT NOW is fainthearted, self-indulgent, spoiled, pathetic, weak, lilly livered, and downright dangerous to you, me and everything in this world worth giving a good god damn about.

If reelecting George Bush means we gotta leave the country broken, hated, isolated and more internally divided than it already is--well, that's just what it costs.

You can't gut a frog without breaking the skin, and if you won't pay the price for protecting our families and our families' freedom, and the freedom of all them newly freed people we have recently liberated, and the freedom of all them people still waiting for us to liberate them, then I'm sorry, the price you're asking me to pay to call you an American is just a little too high.

Oh, would that we still lived in the age when I could challenge you to a duel. I wish we still lived in the age when those in this great hall could form a righteous mob and go out and lynch a problem instead of letting it languish in soft judicial system only to be freed for lack of evidence by (sneering) Trial Lawyers like John Edwards--another soft ultra-liberal who doesn't believe in evil.

I believe in evil.

And I believe we can against evil.

But only if we step up to the plate and volunteer to start swinging a bat at evil'S head.

Don't be a draft dodger in the War on Evil, and don't make Zell Miller get all up in your face about it.

Make up your mind to vote Republican, and do it today!

God Bless this great country and God Bless George W. Bush.

Good night, and buy my book.

It will change your life.

It sure changed mine.



AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a satirical adaptation of Zell Miller's address to the Republican National Convention, delivered 1 September 2004, Madison Square Garden, New York. After giving his vitriolic tirade, he then challenged Chris Mathews to a duel on national television...or opined that he didn't live in an age where he could do so. One might think that parody of something like Zell Miller's performance at the convention would be redundant....but I felt like I had to give it a shot...not having any dueling pistols of my own.

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