(News Theme Music and lights up on a man in a suit seated at a desk, music out. To be performed as an angry rant in the style of Lewis Black or Andy Rooney after being kept in a cage for a week fed only Mexican food and tequila.)
My name is Archie Levine, and THIS is what I think.
I think you can learn a lot from a Three Year Old. And I'm not talking about Smarty Jones. I don't need a horse to teach me how easy it is to choke when the whole world is rooting for you.
No, see, I got this nephew who's around 3 years old.
Ever been around a 3 year old kid? When they aren't kicking you in the shin they're asking one thing over and over and over again. "How's come?"
Kid, stop kicking my shin.
Because it hurts.
Because I've got sensitive shins.
Because God saw a way to start my eternal damnation early you precocious little shit!
You get the idea.
Sure, it's annoying, but how the hell are you going to find out anything if you never ask any questions? This gets me to thinking about the upcoming season of political debates.
I want each and everyone of you out there to start acting like a three year old.
Everytime one of these politicians tells you something, any politician telling you anything, ask "How's come?"
Let me give you a few examples of questions I'd like to hear somebody ask:
How's come the 9-11 Commission Report requires such careful review when the Patriot Act was rushed through in just 7 weeks with hardly any debate at all?
How's come the guy sworn to uphold the US Constitution wants so badly to rewrite it?
How's come trade with Communist Cuba is wrong, but trade with Communist China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony?
How's come a woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation?
How's come global warming and linking tobacco smoke to cancer is junk science, but creationism ought to be taught in public schools?
How's come a president lying about consensual extra-marital sex is an impeachable offense, but a president lying about the reasons to launch a "pre-emptive" war killing thousands gets people talking about putting him on Mount Rushmore?
How's come Saddam's pre-emptive war on Kuwait necessitated regime change, but our pre-emptive war on Iraq deserves international support and gratitude?
How's come Saddam was a good guy when Reagan was arming him, a bad guy when H.W. Bush declared war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him, and a bad guy again when this President Bush couldn't find Osama bin Laden?
How's come the President asks us to support the troops in campaign speeches, while he's slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay?
How's come we have we have 130,000 troops in Iraq and only 15,000 in Afghanistan?
How's come providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism? How's come we're trying to get assault weapons off the streets of Iraq, and back onto the streets of America?
How's come we're supposed feel safer when, if the WMD's do exist, we don't know where they are?
How's come oil prices are hitting record highs when Iraqi oil was supposed bring prices down by adding more oil to the world supply?
How's come if we're winning the War on Terror, there's more terrorism in the world now than ever before?
How's come a "War President" spends so much time on vacation falling off mountain bikes in Texas?
How's come when John Kerry tries to shut down the ads claiming his Silver Star is a fraud and he wounded himself three times to get out of his voluntary service in Viet Nam he is engaging in an un-American assault on Freedom Of Speech, but when George Bush calls for the abolition of all 527 activity, he's just working for responsible campaign finance reform?
How's come we're supposed to be focusing on whether Kerry threw his medals or his ribbons over the White House fence 30 years ago, when the only real question is which candidate is a combat veteran??? Forget the fucking Silver Star and the three purple hearts. For that matter, forget the AWOL charges against Georgie....It's simple, which one is a Combat Veteran???
How's come CONSERVATIVES don't prefer the combat veteran over the drunk driving, cocaine sniffing cheerleader who flew fighter jets in Alabama and Texas during Viet Nam?
How's come the BATTLE LUST of a guy who AVOIDED COMBAT counts for more in this country than the PEACE ACTIVISM of a DECORATED COMBAT VETERAN?
JESUS GOD!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE???
How's come this is even a SERIOUS debate?
(lights out)THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This piece was compiled from the Archie Levine page, HOW'S COME?, in which the various question (including several more not used in the piece) are posed, along with links to supporting news articles and information on each issue raised.
Performed by Todd Ristau.