VOICES #3

VOICE #1: Holy crap!

VOICE #2: What?

VOICE #1: Did you see that waitress?

VOICE #2: Yeah, the one with the short pig tails?

VOICE #1: Yeah, but I wouldnt’ call her the one with the pig tails.

VOICE #2: What would you call her?

VOICE #1: I’d call her the one with the fucking great legs.

VOICE #2: Oh.

VOICE #1: What is with you?

VOICE #2: What do you mean?

VOICE #1: We’re out, we have the wive’s permission but we dont’ have the wives, and all you can do is stare at your beer.

VOICE #2: I got a lot on my mind.

VOICE #1: And we’re here to lighten the load on our repsective minds, aren’t we?

VOICE #2: That’s the idea.

VOICE #1: So, shake it off, drink it off, but, dude, for God’s sake, knock it off!

VOICE #2: Sorry. Here, next round's on me.

VOICE #1: That doesn’t make up for it, but I don’t turn down the peace offering.

VOICE #2: Maybe if this place weren’t so full of young people.

VOICE #1: It’s mostly full of young women, that’s the point of coming here.

VOICE #2: You’re not going home with any of them, so what’s the point?

VOICE #1: Who says I’m not going home with any of them.

VOICE #2: First of all, I do, second of all, they do, and third of all, you do.

VOICE #1: Well, the ring goes around your finger, not around your eyes. Looking keeps me young.

VOICE #2: Looking keeps you horny. Don’t you ever think that maybe by putting so much value on what you don’t have you devalue what you do have?

VOICE #1: That’s it, you owe me two beers AND money for the juke box.

VOICE #2: Fine.

VOICE #1: What the hell is wrong with you, man?

VOICE #2: I guess I’m just feeling my oats.

VOICE #1: Why do you do that?

VOICE #2: What?

VOICE #1: Use all them old man phrases. “Feeling my oats” “skinflint” and crap like that. I mean they aren’t just old man phrases like we’re old men, they’re like old man phrases from the 1930’s for fuck's sake. Nobody who talks like that above ground.

VOICE #2: It’s just the way I talk, ok?

VOICE #1: No, its not ok. You sad sack around--

VOICE #2: That’s an old man phrase.

VOICE #1: What is?

VOICE #2: Sad Sack. He’s a WW2 character.

VOICE #1: The hell it'S from World War Two.

VOICE #2: Ask that 19 year old over there if she has any idea what the hell a sad sack is. She’ll probably think you’re coming on to her and asking her for a pity fuck because you have a "sad sack" that hasn’t been used in six years.

VOICE #1: Go fuck yourself.

VOICE #2: I’m just saying, I didn’t come out with you to pretend we were in college or something.

VOICE #1: Why did you come out with me?

VOICE #2: Because, like I said, I have a lot on my mind and I wanted a distraction...you’re the most distracted guy I know, so I added 2 and 2 and got 46.

VOICE #1: I’m only 42.

VOICE #2: I’m thinking of getting a divorce.

VOICE #1: What is wrong with this picture? The guy who won’t let his eyes cheat on his wife wants a divorce?

VOICE #2: I love her, I’m not thinking about leaving her because I stopped loving her or want to be unfaithful.

VOICE #1: Jesus, you’re serious, aren’t you?

VOICE #2: Yeah. Dead serious. That’s just it. It took a lot of thinking to consider divorce over the other option.

VOICE #1: What other option? Desertion? (laughs) Murder?

VOICE #2: Suicide.

VOICE #1: That is not fucking funny.

VOICE #2: Murder is a joke and suicide isn’t?

VOICE #1: Are you joking?

VOICE #2: About what?

VOICE #1: About the suicicide crap you dumb fuck!

VOICE #2: You know, you should never volunteer at the crisis intevention hot-line, you really suck at this.

VOICE #1: Go fuck yourself. This is not fucking funny, asshole.

VOICE #2: I know it isn’t.

VOICE #1: My father committed suicide, I take this shit very seriously.

VOICE #2: I know, that’s why I called you.

VOICE #1: Why...I mean why on earth are you thinking of killing yourself?

VOICE #2: I’m not.

VOICE #1: I’m going to fucking take this beer bottle and ram it down your throat if you don’t start talking sense.

VOICE #2: I told you, I already decided against suicide. I’m on the divorce track now.

VOICE #1: Ok, then. Jesus, you had me spooked. What made you decide to not kill yourself?

VOICE #2: The autopsy.

VOICE #1: What?

VOICE #2: Somebody told me all suicides get autopsies and they described in detail the process and I couldn’t imagine my brain on a roast beef shaver.

VOICE #1: I’m eating beer nuts here.

VOICE #2: Sorry, but you asked. I’d rather live, but I can’t keep living like this.

VOICE #1: Like what? I still don’t get it, what is so fucked up with your marriage? You got a great wife, two kids, dog...

VOICE #2: I know. Everything worked out just like I planned it.

VOICE #1: Ok, so what is the problem?

VOICE #2: I feel like I’m finished. I got to where I wanted to go and now there isn’t anything else but waiting to die. I got impatient.

VOICE #1: You are a fucking nut case. People kill themselves because they can’t get to where you are and you want to kill yourself because you did?

VOICE #2: I don’t want to kill myself, I told you.

VOICE #1: Ok, you want a divorce.

VOICE #2: That’s right. It’s not fair to her and the kids to have this dead thing walking through each day like a zombie. I need to be reborn, start again.

VOICE #1: Start again.

VOICE #2: Yeah. I’m thinking Seattle. Or maybe in the south. Someplace as different from here as can be.

VOICE #1: You’re serious about this.

VOICE #2: Yup.

VOICE #1: Wow. Ok. So, it sounds like you made up your mind already. What do you need me for?

VOICE #2: I need you to tell them. I’m not going home tonight. I’m starting over right now. I want you to tell those people who used to be my family that I love them, but it has to be like this...and that if they love me, they’ll let me go.

VOICE #1: Like that fucking butterfly on the 70’s poster.

VOICE #2: Yeah. (rising to leave) Like that. (putting a wad of money on the bar) Except I’m not coming back.

VOICE #1: Can I call you?

VOICE #2: Sorry, pal, I’m divorcing you too. Tonight’s tab is on me. Enjoy the scenery...watching it go past is the best way to know you’re still on your way somewhere.

(lights out)