copyright © 2004 Todd Ristau

VOICES #3

by Todd Wm. Ristau

VOICE #1: Holy crap!

VOICE #2: What?

VOICE #1: Did you see that waitress?

VOICE #2: Yeah, the one with the short pig tails?

VOICE #1: Yeah, but I wouldnt’ call her the one with the pig tails.

VOICE #2: What would you call her?

VOICE #1: I’d call her the one with the fucking great legs.

VOICE #2: Oh.

VOICE #1: What is with you?

VOICE #2: What do you mean?

VOICE #1: We’re out, we have the wive’s permission but we dont’ have the wives, and all you can do is stare at your beer.

VOICE #2: I got a lot on my mind.

VOICE #1: And we’re here to lighten the load on our repsective minds, aren’t we?

VOICE #2: That’s the idea.

VOICE #1: So, shake it off, drink it off, but, dude, for God’s sake, knock it off!

VOICE #2: Sorry. Here, next round's on me.

VOICE #1: That doesn’t make up for it, but I don’t turn down the peace offering.

VOICE #2: Maybe if this place weren’t so full of young people.

VOICE #1: It’s mostly full of young women, that’s the point of coming here.

VOICE #2: You’re not going home with any of them, so what’s the point?

VOICE #1: Who says I’m not going home with any of them.

VOICE #2: First of all, I do, second of all, they do, and third of all, you do.

VOICE #1: Well, the ring goes around your finger, not around your eyes. Looking keeps me young.

VOICE #2: Looking keeps you horny. Don’t you ever think that maybe by putting so much value on what you don’t have you devalue what you do have?

VOICE #1: That’s it, you owe me two beers AND money for the juke box.

VOICE #2: Fine.

VOICE #1: What the hell is wrong with you, man?

VOICE #2: I guess I’m just feeling my oats.

VOICE #1: Why do you do that?

VOICE #2: What?

VOICE #1: Use all them old man phrases. “Feeling my oats” “skinflint” and crap like that. I mean they aren’t just old man phrases like we’re old men, they’re like old man phrases from the 1930’s for fuck's sake. Nobody who talks like that above ground.

VOICE #2: It’s just the way I talk, ok?

VOICE #1: No, its not ok. You sad sack around--

VOICE #2: That’s an old man phrase.

VOICE #1: What is?

VOICE #2: Sad Sack. He’s a WW2 character.

VOICE #1: The hell it'S from World War Two.

VOICE #2: Ask that 19 year old over there if she has any idea what the hell a sad sack is. She’ll probably think you’re coming on to her and asking her for a pity fuck because you have a "sad sack" that hasn’t been used in six years.

VOICE #1: Go fuck yourself.

VOICE #2: I’m just saying, I didn’t come out with you to pretend we were in college or something.

VOICE #1: Why did you come out with me?

VOICE #2: Because, like I said, I have a lot on my mind and I wanted a distraction...you’re the most distracted guy I know, so I added 2 and 2 and got 46.

VOICE #1: I’m only 42.

VOICE #2: I’m thinking of getting a divorce.

VOICE #1: What is wrong with this picture? The guy who won’t let his eyes cheat on his wife wants a divorce?

VOICE #2: I love her, I’m not thinking about leaving her because I stopped loving her or want to be unfaithful.

VOICE #1: Jesus, you’re serious, aren’t you?

VOICE #2: Yeah. Dead serious. That’s just it. It took a lot of thinking to consider divorce over the other option.

VOICE #1: What other option? Desertion? (laughs) Murder?

VOICE #2: Suicide.

VOICE #1: That is not fucking funny.

VOICE #2: Murder is a joke and suicide isn’t?

VOICE #1: Are you joking?

VOICE #2: About what?

VOICE #1: About the suicicide crap you dumb fuck!

VOICE #2: You know, you should never volunteer at the crisis intevention hot-line, you really suck at this.

VOICE #1: Go fuck yourself. This is not fucking funny, asshole.

VOICE #2: I know it isn’t.

VOICE #1: My father committed suicide, I take this shit very seriously.

VOICE #2: I know, that’s why I called you.

VOICE #1: Why...I mean why on earth are you thinking of killing yourself?

VOICE #2: I’m not.

VOICE #1: I’m going to fucking take this beer bottle and ram it down your throat if you don’t start talking sense.

VOICE #2: I told you, I already decided against suicide. I’m on the divorce track now.

VOICE #1: Ok, then. Jesus, you had me spooked. What made you decide to not kill yourself?

VOICE #2: The autopsy.

VOICE #1: What?

VOICE #2: Somebody told me all suicides get autopsies and they described in detail the process and I couldn’t imagine my brain on a roast beef shaver.

VOICE #1: I’m eating beer nuts here.

VOICE #2: Sorry, but you asked. I’d rather live, but I can’t keep living like this.

VOICE #1: Like what? I still don’t get it, what is so fucked up with your marriage? You got a great wife, two kids, dog...

VOICE #2: I know. Everything worked out just like I planned it.

VOICE #1: Ok, so what is the problem?

VOICE #2: I feel like I’m finished. I got to where I wanted to go and now there isn’t anything else but waiting to die. I got impatient.

VOICE #1: You are a fucking nut case. People kill themselves because they can’t get to where you are and you want to kill yourself because you did?

VOICE #2: I don’t want to kill myself, I told you.

VOICE #1: Ok, you want a divorce.

VOICE #2: That’s right. It’s not fair to her and the kids to have this dead thing walking through each day like a zombie. I need to be reborn, start again.

VOICE #1: Start again.

VOICE #2: Yeah. I’m thinking Seattle. Or maybe in the south. Someplace as different from here as can be.

VOICE #1: You’re serious about this.

VOICE #2: Yup.

VOICE #1: Wow. Ok. So, it sounds like you made up your mind already. What do you need me for?

VOICE #2: I need you to tell them. I’m not going home tonight. I’m starting over right now. I want you to tell those people who used to be my family that I love them, but it has to be like this...and that if they love me, they’ll let me go.

VOICE #1: Like that fucking butterfly on the 70’s poster.

VOICE #2: Yeah. (rising to leave) Like that. (putting a wad of money on the bar) Except I’m not coming back.

VOICE #1: Can I call you?

VOICE #2: Sorry, pal, I’m divorcing you too. Tonight’s tab is on me. Enjoy the scenery...watching it go past is the best way to know you’re still on your way somewhere.

(lights out)

THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR:
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
This was one of a series of writing excericises for Douglas Scott Hessler during my first year of the Screenwriting and Film program at Hollins University. The assignment was to go home and "listen to the voices" in your head, writing down what they said for 30 minutes each night, then print out the transcript, delete the file from your computer, and seal the printout up in an envelope. At the end of the semester we got all of them back.


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