copyright © 2004 Todd Ristau

I Miss The View

An Archie Levine Piece by Todd Wm. Ristau

(News Theme Music and lights up on a man in a suit seated at a desk, music out. To be performed as an angry rant in the style of Lewis Black or Andy Rooney after being kept in a cage for a week fed only Mexican food and tequila.)


My name is Archie Levine, and THIS is what I think.

Holy Crap! What a week in the news! (If you happened to see anything but the Reagan and Ray Charles funerals, that is.)

Today, I heard that Kofi Annan is against renewing the United States War Crimes Exemption!

"What the hell is that?" You ask? Good question!

See, we keep hearing all these comparisons to Iraq being like WW2.

Georgie even did it today, in yet another speech in front of members of the Armed Forces...who aren't exactly ordered to applaud their Commander-in-Chief, but it is implied, and gosh, it sure sounds good on the radio and those TV close ups.

Georgie was quoting the 1946 New York Times article about how bad reconstruction was going in Germany after the war, and how the short sighted liberals back then predicted failure and a destabilized Europe. See, reconstruction worked then, in spite of the pessimists, so it must be working now...


Yes, just like World War 2, when the United States invaded Germany in a pre-emptive strike while most of the world told us not to.

Jesus Christ, America!!--Are you ever going to take responsibilty for your appalling ignorance or just keep blaming the "Government Schools"?

(cluctches at heart)

I'm sorry, I digress. You were asking "Archie, just What is this US War Crimes Exemption you mentioned?"

See, kids, once upon a time, shortly after WW2, there was this thing we helped invent called the Nuremburg War Crimes Trials. This nifty invention led to the whole idea of an International Criminal Court that can prosecute cases of genocide, war crimes and crimes against humanity. It took a long time and a lot of hard work, but we finally got it set up on July 1, 2002. Of course, the US threatened to end its involvement in peacekeeping operations if it didn't get an exemption for American peacekeepers, and we've gotten one every year until--

(depressed look into audience)

Oh. That wasn't the question you were asking.


Kofi Annan is the Secretary General of the United Nations.


Anyway, if we don't get our exemption from the UN renewed, our protection from trials for War Crimes trials runs out on June 30th.

And speaking of June 30th, haven't you wondered why the rigid adherence to that hand off date even when we didn't know who we were handing it off too?

Here's what I think.

With the election too close to call, Bush isn't going to risk John Kerry coming into possession of Saddam Hussein.

But, what to do? We can't put Saddam on trial and execute him, only the Iraqis can, and only if they have a sovereign government of their very own--even just a temporary one. And only if that temporary goverment has the death penalty.

What a perfect solution!

They can have the trial. They can execute him, and we can even make an official protest!

The mobs will cheer, the temporary government will be dissolved before they can be investigated, or they might even be assassinated by Saddam Loyalists! That'd be perfect! Then the next Iraqi goverment can express its regret over a poorly handled situation by those inexperienced in self rule. The members of the interim government become martyrs to democracy and the new government has another good reason to request the continued US military presence to maintain order!

Pretty darn tidy....except for our fingerprints all over it.

Is the issue Justice or is it Dead Men Don't Talk? If the latter, what is it they don't want you and me to know?

If Hussein is executed before there is a full accounting of ALL the charges against him, Bush is going to have harder time proving there is no conspiracy than Hussein had proving he didn't have WMDs or the Air Force has had proving they don't have Dead Aliens from Roswell!

God, I miss the view from the moral high ground.

Yesterday Bush stated unequivocally that:

"This administration never said that the 9/11 attacks were orchestrated between Saddam and al-Qaeda. We did say there were numerous contacts between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaeda."

However, if memory serves, President Bush sent a letter to Congress on 3/19/03 saying that the Iraq war was permitted specifically under legislation that authorized force against “nations, organizations, or persons who planned, authorized, committed, or aided the terrorist attacks that occurred on September 11, 2001.”

Which is true? What he said then, what he's saying now, or that his "flip flops" are a lot more dangerous than any attributed to John Kerry?

He's getting away with his lie because he believes it, and for the same reason you do, because you want to.


Now, before you DITTO HEADS go saying I'm an America Hater because I'm a Liberal, I want to tell you that I've said the Pledge of Allegience even when I didn't have to, that I love this country, and I'M AN AMERICAN TOO, YOU FUCKING HATE MONGERING SEPERATIST PIG!





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