An Archie Levine Piece by Todd Wm. Ristau
(News Theme Music and lights up on a man in a suit seated at a desk, music out. To be performed as an angry rant in the style of Lewis Black or Andy Rooney after being kept in a cage for a week fed only Mexican food and tequila.)
Hey. I'm Archie Levine, and this is what I think.
Some of George Bush's Base down in Waco, Texas want you to abstain from buying and eating Girl Scout Cookies.
The guy must have a point, because only democrats politicize issues for political gain. I looked into his argument against these little girls in their deceptively innocent paramilitary green uniforms, their sweetly disarming smiles and guise of wholesome innocence. I looked and what I saw made me want to puke.
John Pisciotta, director of Pro-Life Waco and an associate professor of economics at
Baylor University, has exposed these evil little bitches for what they are. Rabid promoters sexual perversity through their cozy relationship with Planned Parenthood's annual sex education seminars.
That's right. They come on all innocent, but they're in bed with the same smut peddlers and baby killers who are ruining this country. "Reproductive freedom." That's code, man!
Sure, Girl Scouts are going to tell you that they don't take a position on abortion or sex education, right, and those muslims in Alexandria just played paintball for fun.
Not having a position doesn't stop them from slapping their logo on Planned Parenthood posters for an orgy of filth distribution they call the "annual summer sex education seminar for fifth- through ninth-graders." The 2003 Nobody's Fool youth conference was nothing less than an assault on Christian sexual morality!
Look at this book the were distributing!
(waving the book around, showing pictures) "It's Perfectly Normal, " a cartoon sex education manual. This thing is so graphic, it would make Larry Flynt blush! I don't want my 6 year old daughter thinking about the day when the "Sperm-o-matic" creates an army of smiling white blobs that are shot out of a cannon into her waiting vagina while they shout to each other about how fun the trip is going to be to her egg!
It all starts with the cookies. When one of these 6 year old left wing liberal marriage destroying America hating terrorists comes ringing your door bell, call Tom Ridge. Not one penny of your hard earned cookie money ought to go toward this anti-family abortion on demand condom club member.
But they went too far when they named the chief executive of Planned Parenthood's Waco abortion clinic a Woman of Distinction. Planned Parenthood sends out the children because they are too gutless to ask you for the money themselves to fund their diabolical and evil butcheries.
But thank God, some concerned parents with Moral Clarity have seen the light. Already, as a direct result of this cookie boycott, Girl Scout troops are being disbanded, and I am here tonight, after watching Pisciotta interviewed by Sean Hannity about what he describes as the Holocaust of Abortion, to encourage you to join me in this growning national crusade.
Strike a blow against "reproductive freedom" and slam the door in the face of a Girl Scout today. Strike a blow for family values and the core beliefs that make this nation great. Strike a Girl Scout.
(pause, then with serene calm) For those of you out there hindered by your Moral Clarity, the previous editorial was sarcastic. (pause) And while it is true that some parents have shut down Girl Scout troops in Texas over this, I've heard that cookie sales are stronger than ever because of the boycott.
Let's hope this is a Bellwether for Novemeber.
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