copyright © 2004 Todd Ristau

Unsafe At Any Cost

(Another Archie Levine Piece)
by Todd Wm. Ristau

(News Theme Music and lights up on a man in a suit seated at a desk, music out. To be performed as an angry rant in the style of Lewis Black or Andy Rooney after being kept in a cage for a week fed only Mexican food and tequila.)

Hey, I'm Archie Levine....and THIS is what I think.

Have you been watching the coverage of the Democratic primaries? Have you noticed how almost every one of the candidates besides Howard Dean might as well be wearing a "re-elect" the President button?

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about.

Howard Dean says, "We are not any safer since we captured Saddam Hussein."

Then all the other candidates fall all over themselves claiming he’s taking an outrageous and extreme position, and that he’s too dangerous to be elected President of the United States.

More Dangerous than Bush?

Let’s just think about this for a minute–out loud with the cameras off, shall we?

Since the President of Iraq surrendered and crawled out of his hole, we’ve been flying the Orange Alert flag for weeks on end...

We’ve got surface to air missles placed around the capital building and our national monuments.

We’re demanding that France and Great Britain put armed air marshals on flights coming into the US, and even then those flights are getting fighter jet escorts... 

Safer since we caught Saddam?  What the FUCK are you talking about?

Pardon my freedom. I mean, my French.

President Bush himself said pretty much the same thing Howard Dean did when George cautioned that the capture of one man wouldn’t end the War on Terror.

Hell no, George! It's going to have to continue at least right through the election cycle!

Look, sure, I admit that when they caught him, Saddam had a briefcase with some information about resistance cells funding, a dirty pistol and some soda pop. I admit that. But did he have even one teensy weensy WMD?



So if WMDs were what was making us so fucking unsafe we had to go to war, and if we presume that they actually exist, then aren’t they still making us just as unsafe as before Saddam got captured?

Hell, we must be even MORE unsafe because these WMDs have to now be in the hands complete unknowns...or in Rummy speak, unknown unknowns.

It doesn’t take a moron to see Howard Dean is the only one telling us the truth.


No connection has been proven between Iraq and September capturing a guy who didn’t attack us can’t make us safer from a guy who did.


I guess what really melts my brain is the rush to support the President by the people who claim to want to defeat him in the upcoming election.  Sure, I realize they have to cover their asses because they voted war powers for Bushco, but if I see Joe Lieberman on Fox News one more time saying what a good job the President is doing keeping us safe from terror....I think MY HEAD WILL EXPLODE!!!

Oh, Jesus…my wife is really worried about my blood pressure.

(calming) OK. I guess, in the grand scheme of things, if missles around the capital and fighter jets escorting British passenger planes in conjunction with capturing Saddam Hussein makes some people feel safer, great, but I sure as heck ain't one of them.

Not by a longshot.

(black out)


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