copyright © 2003 Todd Ristau

God's Law MUST Be Obeyed
Another Archie Levine Piece by Todd Wm. Ristau

(News Theme Music and lights up on a man in a suit seated at a desk, music out. To be performed as an angry rant in the style of Lewis Black or Andy Rooney after being kept in a cage for a week fed only Mexican food and tequila.)

God's Law MUST be obeyed to the letter....

That's what Judge Roy Moore of Alabama's State Supreme Court says. You know the guy I mean, the one who, with his own money, put a two ton statue of the Ten Commandments in the courthouse lobby.

He says he did it out of devotion to Jesus and to remind everyone in America that our law is founded on God's Law.

Well, now hold on here a minute. I'm a reasonable person, so I ought to give this a little thought before I get all upset about it.

(short pause, while making a face like he is constipated)

No, it doesn't make any sense at all.

First of all, the ten commandments everyone talks about are not referred to as commandments in the Bible, and second, they were really a first draft. After Moses broke those in his temper tantrum over all those naked Isarelites worshipping the golden calf...God gave him a second set.

Now, this has always kind of bothered me--Moses, in a huff, says something like, "Jeeze, God, you said not to make any molten images and before I even get down there with the tablets, they're already doing it! Now what?" And God says, "Kill the fuckers." God has Moses kill about 3,000 people. Not once does Moses remind God about that thing he just dictated about not killing people.

Then God gives Moses a 2nd draft "like unto the first" but while this one keeps the stuff about a jealous god and no molten images, it mostly deals with how to properly sacrifice things. The second set says how God owns all the first born, tells us when to have the Feast of Unleavened Bread, how long the work week should be. He tells us when to have the Feast of Weeks, to be sure not to leave the fat out all night, God gets the first fruit, and don't you fucking dare put your meat in milk.

Seriously. The second draft doesn't say a word about adultery, honoring Mom and Dad, and not killing people. Which is pretty handy, considering there were already people living in the Promised Land who still needed killing.

But regardless which version of the Ten Commandments you have in your lobby, how the fuck can the Chief Justice of a State Supreme Court say that erecting a monument to them on state property does not "endorse or establish a religion?"

Did the guy not read the first commandment? "Thou Shalt Have No Other Gods Before Me."

Uh, hello? That passes the constitutionality test HOW????


To have a Chief Justice of a State Supreme Court say he doesn't care what rulings the court makes pretty much trashes the entire system he is sworn (to God) to uphold, doesn't it?

But, what the hell, maybe a return to the Mosaic Law is the only thing that will "SAVE" this "Godless" country from eternal damnation, can't pick and choose what biblical principles to follow.

The Bible condones slavery, so let's repeal the 13th Amendment because it contradicts God's law.

And instead of shooting abortion doctors, let's come down hard on fathers who DON'T stone their daughters to death if they have sex out of wedlock.

That's what God said to do, any father who doesn't is disobeying GOD!

Every one of these people extolling the virtues of the ten commandments ought to be as upset about the false witness of George W. Bush and Tony Blair as they were about Bill Clinton's. But, for safety's sake, let's haul all three of them down to the front of the Alabama State Courthouse and stone them to death.

Hear someone blaspheme? Stone them. See someone mowing their lawn on Sunday? Stone them. Hear someone swear at their mother or father? Stone them. Grandma sleep with her pet cat? Stone them. Gay marriage got you down? Stone those abominations instead of griping about them. Know any divorced folks on their second or third marriage? Stone them. Know any non-believers? Stone them.

You know God wants you to.

Not even JESUS pushed this hard for rigid adherence to God's Law.

He actually stopped a legal execution, healed the sick on the sabbath, and cautioned against loving the letter of the law instead of the spirit of the law.

But, I'm an angry man. I think in one of the Proverbs God advises against listening to angry men...and avoiding whores.

So, find out for yourself. Have a good read of the Old Testement that Judge Roy Moore of Alabama is so fond of...and see if you honestly want an American theocracy where God's Law MUST be obeyed, literally, and to the letter.

If you decide you do, don't forget....other people might also believe the same thing but have a different idea of What God Wants....People who also believe that their devotion to God frees them from the laws of men....People like a handful of Saudis you might remember from a couple years back.

That's just what I think. If you disagree, STONE ME!

(lights out as Bob Dylan sings "Everybody must get stoned")


Not one of my strongest Archie pieces, but it got the point across.

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