(News Theme Music and lights up on a man in a suit seated at a desk, music out. To be performed as an angry rant in the style of Lewis Black or Andy Rooney after being kept in a cage for a week fed only Mexican food and tequila.)

Hey, I'm Archie Levine...and this is what I think.

Today on a report on CNN there were several different military spokespeople saying that Iraq is a "big country" and it may take a year "or longer" to find the WMDs which would justify the war. (Sometime AFTER the 2004 elections, one presumes.)

If the government says we shouldn't be surprised at not finding them, then being surprised is anti-American.

I'm not surprised.

But, let me get this straight.....We couldn't give the UN inspectors a few more months to continue their search because we didn't trust them to do the job before those weapons got used on us, but it is better bomb the hell out of Iraq and create an environment where we can reasonably claim that the weapons do exist but they have been looted?

And 58% of Americans say it doesn't matter whether we find them or not.

Does that mean that 58% don't think it matters if they existed in the first place or that it doesn't matter if people took them home to make furniture out of???

Is it just me or does that sound INSANE???

We went to war to eliminate something that (if they existed) were at least under armed and organized military guard, and now (if they exist) are something virtually any disgruntled Iraqi can come in, pick up, and use in a suicide attack on the people who killed his family, or sell to some other party for a tidy sum...like food or clean water.

And this war is supposed to make me feel safer?

Well, Mr. Bush....I DON'T.

(calmer) But, I'm a reasonable man. Let me give you the opportunity to win my heart and my mind. I don't need to see the WMDs.

How about meeting me halfway and showing me the secret compelling evidence Colin Powell told the UN he couldn't show us before because he had to protect his sources from reprisals? Since we've kicked sufficient statue ass over there, the risk of reprisals should be minimal, so come clean. Show me the evidence. Explain, please. I want to believe. I'm desperate to believe. Why can't we see the evidence now? I'd gladly suffer you standing at the podium and saying "Nyah, Nyah, I told you so."

(rising fury again) But you're too busy, aren't you? Saddam Lives. And he is our first priority. He's sharing an apartment with bin Laden and the Anthrax Mailer. He and the other top Iraqi face cards have crossed the border into Syria, with all the WMDs that the looters didn't get. And you're going to keep playing Button Button who's got the Button through the whole region from now until Doomsday!!!

You probably learned in pre-school that the game lasts a whole lot longer when there isn't a God damn button.

(calmer) And we buy this crap hook line and sinker. Decades of education funding cuts finally make sense. It's no longer a case of how dumb do they think we are, but rather, how dumb did they make us?

(lights out)