copyright © 2002 Todd Ristau

Toddís Elvis Tribute

(In the dark we hear the crowd from the Live at the Star Club in Hamburg Album chanting "Jerry Lee, Jerry Lee, Jerry Lee." It stops abrubtly as the lights come on. We see a much older Jerry Lee Lewis sitting at a piano, bottle of Jack Danielís Old Number 7 Tennessee Sour Mash Wiskey sits on it. Behind him is a large picture of Elvis.)

JERRY LEE: You know, there are very few great talents left. Iím not saying Iím one of them. Iím saying Iím the only one. Number one.

(He pours himself a drink.)

Letís record.

(He takes a deep drink, lights a cigar.)

I just want to get my voice opened up. My wife comes back and itíll close right up again. (laughs) Iíll tell you one thing. Iíll never get married again if I live to be three thousand years old, I swear to god thatís the truth, mark my words on that!

Voice #1: How many times have you been married?

JERRY LEE: None of your fucking business.

Voice #1: Sorry.

JERRY LEE: I mean seriously. What the hell is this? A recording session or a damned interveiw?

Voice #1: I was just curious...

JERRY LEE: Well who the fuck are you to be curious about me? Am I curious about you? No. I donít give a fucking shit about you. Donít cry, you little shit. You wanna fight with me come up here and fucking fight with me. I mean, would you let someone else fuck your woman for you?

Voice #1: I donít want to fight with you.

JERRY LEE: (laughs) You can change your pants, son, Iím just fooling with you. (takes a drink) You ask me another question and its gonna cost you $2000 though. (laughs) Letís record.

(looks at his hands, plays a few notes, turns and points his cigar at the picture of Elvis on the wall.)

Thereíll never be another Elvis Presely.

ELVIS: (stepping into the light, but dimly seen, like a ghost.) You can say that again.

JERRY LEE: (pouring another drink) Well, if it ainít Colonel Tom Parkerís puppet. I might have known youíd show up.

ELVIS: Man, your problem is you never could get past your jealousy.

JERRY LEE: Whoís jealous? Man, I have had problems with jealousy my whole life, but I ainít never been jealous of nobody.

ELVIS: You donít really believe that shit youíre talking, do you, man? Hell, there wouldnít even be a Jerry Lee Lewis if there hadnít been an Elvis Presley. Hell, I opened the door for all you cats that followed in my shoes.

JERRY LEE: (mocking him) Blue blue, blue suede know you stole that from Carl. There he was dying in a fucking hospital bed and you fucking stole his song out from under him.

ELVIS: Thatís a lie, he knew I was gonna record it.

JERRY LEE: Carl done it for Sun, you done it for RCA. To prove they werenít wrong to sign you instead of Carl. Thatís pretty fucking low.

ELVIS: We both had the record out, mine sold more. Draw your own conclusions. Anyway, you did alright until Myra.

JERRY LEE: Donít fucking talk to me about Myra. At least I married her. At least I was proud enough of her to introduce her as my wife.

ELVIS: You never listen to anybody. Somebody tells Jerry Lee heís wrong and theyíre good as dead to you.

JERRY LEE: All the while theyíre crucifying me, you got that teenage bitch of yours living in sin with you up in Graceland. Tell, me, what did Gawd have to say about that when he pulled you up off your throne, "KING"?

ELVIS: Youíll never change, Jerry.

JERRY LEE: You change, youíre admitting thereís something wrong with you, and there ainít nothing wrong with Jerry Lee. In this whole world thereís only ever been four innovators. Al Jolson, Jimmie Rodgers, Hank Williams, and me. The rest is all immitators. Even you.

ELVIS: Can you even hear yourself talking? Jerry Lee, you are the most talented son of a bitch that I ever met--

JERRY LEE: Youíre right about that.

ELVIS: But if youíre so great and Iím an immitator, how come youíre playing the lounge and Iím playing the main room?

JERRY LEE: You ainít playing anyplace, mother fucker. Youíre dead. You know what I said when I heard you had died? Thereís another one out of my way. I swear to Gawd. You were never the real King of Rock and Roll. The REAL king of rock and roll would not have recorded In The Ghetto, and the real king of rock and roll would not have died. Iím alive, god damn it! I have lived through it all, The 50ís, the 60ís, the 70ís, the 80ís, the 90ís, and Iím still here you son of a bitch! Where the hell are you? I never once laid down. I never had a fucking "Come Back Tour" because I never fucking LEFT! I have had six wives, had half my gut cut out, but I never stopped playing rock and roll. Iíll never die, because I AM ROCK AND ROLL and ROCK AND ROLL WILL NEVER DIE!

ELVIS: (fading into darkness) Thatís right, Jerry ...everybody wants to be Hank Williams, but nobody wants to die.....

JERRY LEE: (pouring another drink) I loved Elvis.

Voice number #2: Didnít you try to shoot him once?

JERRY LEE: Did I what? Hell, no! Donít be a fucking idiot. I never shot anybody. Well, I did shoot my bass player once....But not on purpose! (laughs) Not my original bass player...that was my cousin, Myraís daddy..and you donít shoot family.....Letís record.

(Lights fade to black)


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