Not in the business of making converts to vegetarianism

(Hitler stands telling a joke as a table is set behind him with plate, knife, and

fork--table light only)

There is a popular joke running around

It goes

A man walks up to the Police Commissioner

He says:

"Mister Commissioner, did you know that

there are political murders being committed?"

The Police Commissioner replies:

"Yes, but too few!

Too few!"

(he sees the table is set)

Ah

Here is the model of German efficiency

Each day my valet follows the same routine

He runs the hot water for my bath

Then places fresh underwear on the chair

Cotton underpants

Never silk

Once dressed

He sees that I breakfast

Pumpernickel bread

Oatmeal

Cheese

Honey

Milk

And some fresh fruit

I rarely eat meat

Unlike the rest of you corpse eaters

I find the consumption of flesh not only distasteful

But contrary to the human system

Of course

I don't want to spoil your appetites

I hate dining alone

Enjoy your food

Please

I'm not in the business of making converts to vegetarianism

Still

I wonder if I could--

Just for a moment--

Mention a trip I once took to a slaughterhouse

I was invited to visit it

During the time our headquarters was on the Ukraine

It was the largest and most modern in the whole area

Entirely mechanized

A continuous processing plant

Turning live pigs into sausages

Rendering down every trace of the animal into links

Including bone

Excrement

And scraps from the floors

Oh

Everything about it was clean enough

Well organized

Right down to the pretty young girls in rubber boots

Who stood in streams of blood up to their ankles

You look ill

That wouldn't happen to me

I can watch the pulling of a beet from the ground

As easily as the dealing of a cow to the hook

This sort of thing just shows how cowardly people are

They can't face doing certain horrible things themselves

But enjoy the benefits without a single pang of guilt

(he glares into the audience as lights slowly fade to black)