by Todd Wm. Ristau
SCENE 9 (Lights up on the farm house. MAX sits unconscious on a sofa between JULIAN, who prepares several lines of cocaine, and LINDSEY, who picks her teeth with a long silver needle, looking mildly disgusted. MARY cleans impatiently.) MARY (sings) I'm going to be a bride again A bride again, a bride again I'm going to be a bride again When tomorrow comes.... JULIAN: So... This is Max. MARY: (sing song) Only until tomorrow! JULIAN: Yeah. (snorts a line) What happens to him then? MARY: To who? JULIAN: Max. MARY: Oh. I don't know. Swept off to God knows where, never to return...Not my concern. JULIAN: (snorts another) All this spooky shit gives me the creeps. LINDSEY: Pansy-assed dope fiend. JULIAN: Lindsey, you really chew on my nut sometimes. (MAX stirs) LINDSEY: Oh, joy. He's coming around. Somebody else I can't wait to talk to. JULIAN: Lighten up, sweetheart, last night you couldn't get enough of him. LINDSEY: Yeah, well, it's always different come morning, isn't it? MARY: Shhh, both of you... Max? MAX: Ohhh, My head...my head....keep your hands off me... MARY: Max? MAX: I was having the weirdest...the most...so real... this dream was so real. Hey, where am I? JULIAN: The pound. LINDSEY: You ass. MARY: You're with friends, now. You were lost last night. JULIAN: If you weren't then, you are now. (snorts final line). aggg. Nice. LINDSEY: Could you keep your running commentary to yourself, bladder brain? MARY: You were lost last night and you came here for help. (JULIAN giggles) MAX: That's right. (pause) And you hit me with a shovel! MARY: Oh, no, sweetie, you fainted and hit your head on the floor. JULIAN: That's right. Very hard. Boink. Just like that. MAX: I'd like to go home now. LINDSEY: (putting her arm around him) Not just yet. JULIAN: Nope, not yet, Max. MARY: Not just yet. MAX: Who are you people? MARY: I'm Mary, this is my house. These are my dearest friends, Julian (he offers MAX a tray of various pills) and Lindsey (she bites the air in a seductive fashion). We live here. Like family. JULIAN: Say, Max, why don't you tell us about that dream you had? LINDSEY: Oh, yes, Max, please bore us to tears. MAX: I really think I should -- (LINDSEY has grabbed MAX by the hair and pulled his head back to expose his throat. JULIAN, without looking, has placed a knife there.) MARY: Tell us about your dream, Max. MAX: Ok. (he is released) Uh, you promise you won't laugh? JULIAN: (stabbing the table in fury) Oh!! Je-sus!!! Laugh!?! MARY: Julian. LINDSEY: Here we go again. Listen, Captain Substance Abuse, I've had it with this "violent mood swing" crap. JULIAN: And frankly my dear, I've had it up to-- MARY: Stop it, both of you. (LINDSEY pouts, JULIAN takes several pills and washes them down with liquid from a flask) Go on, Max. MAX: Well, I've got this girlfriend, named Candy Cozbi. It was sort of about her. I was looking for her in the forest, you know, and all of a sudden...I was...well, it's kind of weird, see, all of a sudden her head was...well, I was a wolf. JULIAN: A wolf! That's insane! (LINDSEY and MARY cast disapproving looks at JULIAN.) MARY: Go on, Max. MAX: I was a wolf, and I was chewing on her head. It was separated from her body. I was looking down at her head from right down close, licking her hard palate, could taste the blood on her molars...it was so real. I could feel the stones under my paws, the wind...so real...I think it means that I was worried about her being lost too. JULIAN: I think it means you can fucking astrally project. MARY: Julian, did you....? JULIAN: No, no, it was a real dream. A beautiful dream, don't you think? Primitive love... you love this girl, eh, Max? It shows in your dream...to love is to consume that which you adore. LINDSEY: Man, you are so fucked up. MARY: It just proves he's his father's son. I am so proud of you, Max. MAX: I want to leave now. MARY: You can't leave Max. MAX: Why not? LINDSEY: Because we've fucking kidnapped you, you ignorant little shit. MAX: Oh. (very long pause) JULIAN: You know, Mary, I think maybe we ought to let Max in on a little something. MARY: Oh, Julian, do you think we should? JULIAN: I don't see why not...he's old enough...Max, do you know what it's like to run barefoot in the woods? To breathe free air? To exist in a natural harmony with your animalistic instincts? To-- LINDSEY: Max, screw this hippy pot head, do you know what it's like to be the most powerful fucking thing there ever was!?! MARY: Max, to be young and wild for the rest of your life.... MAX: What are you talking about? (JULIAN takes the syringe and draws blood from his own arm.) What are you doing? JULIAN: You see, Max, we're werewolves. MAX: You're kidding. MARY: No, Max, we're serious. LINDSEY: Deadly serious. (MAX makes a break for it, LINDSEY trips him, he falls, she puts her foot on his throat. JULIAN looms up and injects MAX with his blood.) JULIAN: And now, Brother Max, you're one too. LINDSEY: Welcome to the family. MAX: You people are all fucked up! You're crazy! Let me out of here! Etc. MARY: Julian, do you have something that will calm him down? JULIAN: (searching through his pills) I think I have some barbituates here someplace.... (Lights down) END OF SCENE
"Puberty Shriek, Episode 9" debuted December 21, 2001 with the following cast:Clinton Johnston as Julian
Annaliese Moyer as Lindsey
Natalie Marcus as Mary
Jay Dempsey as Max