copyright © 2001 Todd Ristau

Puberty Shriek, Episode 9

by Todd Wm. Ristau

SCENE 9

(Lights up on the farm house. MAX sits unconscious on a sofa between JULIAN, who prepares several lines of cocaine, and LINDSEY, who picks her teeth with a long silver needle, looking mildly disgusted. MARY cleans impatiently.)

MARY (sings)

I'm going to be a bride again

A bride again, a bride again

I'm going to be a bride again

When tomorrow comes....

JULIAN: So... This is Max.

MARY: (sing song) Only until tomorrow!

JULIAN: Yeah. (snorts a line) What happens to him then?

MARY: To who?

JULIAN: Max.

MARY: Oh. I don't know. Swept off to God knows where, never to return...Not my concern.

JULIAN: (snorts another) All this spooky shit gives me the creeps.

LINDSEY: Pansy-assed dope fiend.

JULIAN: Lindsey, you really chew on my nut sometimes.

(MAX stirs)

LINDSEY: Oh, joy. He's coming around. Somebody else I can't wait to talk to.

JULIAN: Lighten up, sweetheart, last night you couldn't get enough of him.

LINDSEY: Yeah, well, it's always different come morning, isn't it?

MARY: Shhh, both of you... Max?

MAX: Ohhh, My head...my head....keep your hands off me...

MARY: Max?

MAX: I was having the weirdest...the most...so real... this dream was so real. Hey, where am I?

JULIAN: The pound.

LINDSEY: You ass.

MARY: You're with friends, now. You were lost last night.

JULIAN: If you weren't then, you are now. (snorts final line). aggg. Nice.

LINDSEY: Could you keep your running commentary to yourself, bladder brain?

MARY: You were lost last night and you came here for help.

(JULIAN giggles)

MAX: That's right. (pause) And you hit me with a shovel!

MARY: Oh, no, sweetie, you fainted and hit your head on the floor.

JULIAN: That's right. Very hard. Boink. Just like that.

MAX: I'd like to go home now.

LINDSEY: (putting her arm around him) Not just yet.

JULIAN: Nope, not yet, Max.

MARY: Not just yet.

MAX: Who are you people?

MARY: I'm Mary, this is my house. These are my dearest friends, Julian (he offers MAX a tray of various pills) and Lindsey (she bites the air in a seductive fashion). We live here. Like family.

JULIAN: Say, Max, why don't you tell us about that dream you had?

LINDSEY: Oh, yes, Max, please bore us to tears.

MAX: I really think I should --

(LINDSEY has grabbed MAX by the hair and pulled his head back to expose his throat. JULIAN, without looking, has placed a knife there.)

MARY: Tell us about your dream, Max.

MAX: Ok. (he is released) Uh, you promise you won't laugh?

JULIAN: (stabbing the table in fury) Oh!! Je-sus!!! Laugh!?!

MARY: Julian.

LINDSEY: Here we go again. Listen, Captain Substance Abuse, I've had it with this "violent mood swing" crap.

JULIAN: And frankly my dear, I've had it up to--

MARY: Stop it, both of you.

(LINDSEY pouts, JULIAN takes several pills and washes them down with liquid from a flask)

Go on, Max.

MAX: Well, I've got this girlfriend, named Candy Cozbi. It was sort of about her. I was looking for her in the forest, you know, and all of a sudden...I was...well, it's kind of weird, see, all of a sudden her head was...well, I was a wolf.

JULIAN: A wolf! That's insane!

(LINDSEY and MARY cast disapproving looks at JULIAN.)

MARY: Go on, Max.

MAX: I was a wolf, and I was chewing on her head. It was separated from her body. I was looking down at her head from right down close, licking her hard palate, could taste the blood on her molars...it was so real. I could feel the stones under my paws, the wind...so real...I think it means that I was worried about her being lost too.

JULIAN: I think it means you can fucking astrally project.

MARY: Julian, did you....?

JULIAN: No, no, it was a real dream. A beautiful dream, don't you think? Primitive love... you love this girl, eh, Max? It shows in your dream...to love is to consume that which you adore.

LINDSEY: Man, you are so fucked up.

MARY: It just proves he's his father's son. I am so proud of you, Max.

MAX: I want to leave now.

MARY: You can't leave Max.

MAX: Why not?

LINDSEY: Because we've fucking kidnapped you, you ignorant little shit.

MAX: Oh.

(very long pause)

JULIAN: You know, Mary, I think maybe we ought to let Max in on a little something.

MARY: Oh, Julian, do you think we should?

JULIAN: I don't see why not...he's old enough...Max, do you know what it's like to run barefoot in the woods? To breathe free air? To exist in a natural harmony with your animalistic instincts? To--

LINDSEY: Max, screw this hippy pot head, do you know what it's like to be the most powerful fucking thing there ever was!?!

MARY: Max, to be young and wild for the rest of your life....

MAX: What are you talking about?

(JULIAN takes the syringe and draws blood from his own arm.)

What are you doing?

JULIAN: You see, Max, we're werewolves.

MAX: You're kidding.

MARY: No, Max, we're serious.

LINDSEY: Deadly serious.

(MAX makes a break for it, LINDSEY trips him, he falls, she puts her foot on his throat. JULIAN looms up and injects MAX with his blood.)

JULIAN: And now, Brother Max, you're one too.

LINDSEY: Welcome to the family.

MAX: You people are all fucked up! You're crazy! Let me out of here! Etc.

MARY: Julian, do you have something that will calm him down?

JULIAN: (searching through his pills) I think I have some barbituates here someplace....

(Lights down)

END OF SCENE

To Be Continue...

"Puberty Shriek" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
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"Puberty Shriek, Episode 9" debuted December 21, 2001 with the following cast:
Clinton Johnston as Julian
Annaliese Moyer as Lindsey
Natalie Marcus as Mary
Jay Dempsey as Max

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