copyright © 2001 Todd Ristau

Puberty Shriek, Episode 9

by Todd Wm. Ristau


(Lights up on the farm house. MAX sits unconscious on a sofa between JULIAN, who prepares several lines of cocaine, and LINDSEY, who picks her teeth with a long silver needle, looking mildly disgusted. MARY cleans impatiently.)

MARY (sings)

I'm going to be a bride again

A bride again, a bride again

I'm going to be a bride again

When tomorrow comes....

JULIAN: So... This is Max.

MARY: (sing song) Only until tomorrow!

JULIAN: Yeah. (snorts a line) What happens to him then?

MARY: To who?


MARY: Oh. I don't know. Swept off to God knows where, never to return...Not my concern.

JULIAN: (snorts another) All this spooky shit gives me the creeps.

LINDSEY: Pansy-assed dope fiend.

JULIAN: Lindsey, you really chew on my nut sometimes.

(MAX stirs)

LINDSEY: Oh, joy. He's coming around. Somebody else I can't wait to talk to.

JULIAN: Lighten up, sweetheart, last night you couldn't get enough of him.

LINDSEY: Yeah, well, it's always different come morning, isn't it?

MARY: Shhh, both of you... Max?

MAX: Ohhh, My head....keep your hands off me...

MARY: Max?

MAX: I was having the weirdest...the real... this dream was so real. Hey, where am I?

JULIAN: The pound.

LINDSEY: You ass.

MARY: You're with friends, now. You were lost last night.

JULIAN: If you weren't then, you are now. (snorts final line). aggg. Nice.

LINDSEY: Could you keep your running commentary to yourself, bladder brain?

MARY: You were lost last night and you came here for help.

(JULIAN giggles)

MAX: That's right. (pause) And you hit me with a shovel!

MARY: Oh, no, sweetie, you fainted and hit your head on the floor.

JULIAN: That's right. Very hard. Boink. Just like that.

MAX: I'd like to go home now.

LINDSEY: (putting her arm around him) Not just yet.

JULIAN: Nope, not yet, Max.

MARY: Not just yet.

MAX: Who are you people?

MARY: I'm Mary, this is my house. These are my dearest friends, Julian (he offers MAX a tray of various pills) and Lindsey (she bites the air in a seductive fashion). We live here. Like family.

JULIAN: Say, Max, why don't you tell us about that dream you had?

LINDSEY: Oh, yes, Max, please bore us to tears.

MAX: I really think I should --

(LINDSEY has grabbed MAX by the hair and pulled his head back to expose his throat. JULIAN, without looking, has placed a knife there.)

MARY: Tell us about your dream, Max.

MAX: Ok. (he is released) Uh, you promise you won't laugh?

JULIAN: (stabbing the table in fury) Oh!! Je-sus!!! Laugh!?!

MARY: Julian.

LINDSEY: Here we go again. Listen, Captain Substance Abuse, I've had it with this "violent mood swing" crap.

JULIAN: And frankly my dear, I've had it up to--

MARY: Stop it, both of you.

(LINDSEY pouts, JULIAN takes several pills and washes them down with liquid from a flask)

Go on, Max.

MAX: Well, I've got this girlfriend, named Candy Cozbi. It was sort of about her. I was looking for her in the forest, you know, and all of a sudden...I was...well, it's kind of weird, see, all of a sudden her head was...well, I was a wolf.

JULIAN: A wolf! That's insane!

(LINDSEY and MARY cast disapproving looks at JULIAN.)

MARY: Go on, Max.

MAX: I was a wolf, and I was chewing on her head. It was separated from her body. I was looking down at her head from right down close, licking her hard palate, could taste the blood on her was so real. I could feel the stones under my paws, the real...I think it means that I was worried about her being lost too.

JULIAN: I think it means you can fucking astrally project.

MARY: Julian, did you....?

JULIAN: No, no, it was a real dream. A beautiful dream, don't you think? Primitive love... you love this girl, eh, Max? It shows in your love is to consume that which you adore.

LINDSEY: Man, you are so fucked up.

MARY: It just proves he's his father's son. I am so proud of you, Max.

MAX: I want to leave now.

MARY: You can't leave Max.

MAX: Why not?

LINDSEY: Because we've fucking kidnapped you, you ignorant little shit.

MAX: Oh.

(very long pause)

JULIAN: You know, Mary, I think maybe we ought to let Max in on a little something.

MARY: Oh, Julian, do you think we should?

JULIAN: I don't see why not...he's old enough...Max, do you know what it's like to run barefoot in the woods? To breathe free air? To exist in a natural harmony with your animalistic instincts? To--

LINDSEY: Max, screw this hippy pot head, do you know what it's like to be the most powerful fucking thing there ever was!?!

MARY: Max, to be young and wild for the rest of your life....

MAX: What are you talking about?

(JULIAN takes the syringe and draws blood from his own arm.)

What are you doing?

JULIAN: You see, Max, we're werewolves.

MAX: You're kidding.

MARY: No, Max, we're serious.

LINDSEY: Deadly serious.

(MAX makes a break for it, LINDSEY trips him, he falls, she puts her foot on his throat. JULIAN looms up and injects MAX with his blood.)

JULIAN: And now, Brother Max, you're one too.

LINDSEY: Welcome to the family.

MAX: You people are all fucked up! You're crazy! Let me out of here! Etc.

MARY: Julian, do you have something that will calm him down?

JULIAN: (searching through his pills) I think I have some barbituates here someplace....

(Lights down)


To Be Continue...

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"Puberty Shriek, Episode 9" debuted December 21, 2001 with the following cast:
Clinton Johnston as Julian
Annaliese Moyer as Lindsey
Natalie Marcus as Mary
Jay Dempsey as Max

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