copyright © 2001 Todd Ristau


[lights up on news anchor man and woman, sitting behind a desk, reading the news as though on television]

Linda: Good evening, I’m Linda Thomas--

Pedro: And I’m Pedro Eche(unintelligable sound)

Linda: And this is the news, Live at Five.

Pedro: First up this evening a horrifying story about some ghouls arrested in Ruckersville. A few weeks ago on April 30 cemetary caretaker Hugh Magan was shocked to stumble on three men and two women who were all naked and devouring the disinterred corpse of Thelma Carlisle. Made fearful by the gruesome spectacle, Magan phoned authorities and the police arrived to make the arrests. A trial date has yet to be set, however angry townspeople, led by the grandchildren of Ms. Carlisle, who passed away only one week before the incident, have been gathering daily outside the jail to demand the right to stone the cannibals to death.

Linda: A sad story, Pedro. According to state health inspectors the Peltier Gourmet Time Corndog Works of Winchester has propduction proceedures which are "Dangerously unhygenic and liable to cause a breech of the peace." Cited in the official report the Peltier family has been practicing a South American ritual in the preparation of the corn dogs which involve chewing fresh corn and spitting copious amounts of saliva into a large steel bowl. Over the bowl a sacrificed rooster is hung upside down and its blood allowed to drip into the mix. The ritually prepared corn paste is then coated on the kosher dogs and served to patrons of the eatery. In spite of the bizarre revelations long time customers seem surprised by the news and say the corn dogs left them with an uplifitng euphoria rather than nausea.

Pedro: Well there’s no accounting for taste.

Linda: No, you’re right Pedro.

Pedro: Finding a good place to eat can be a real headache, but if you have migranes, could that pain in your skull really be an alien implant? Leo Potsche, a retired instructor from Mary Baldwin College thinks so. After years of undergoing a multitude of tests for his headaches and frequent black outs Doctors think they have ascertained the cause. A 1mm diameter gray metal implant was discovered last week behind his left ear. The patient was mystified by its presence but all pain ceased after its removal. Lab findings have been inconclusive, but the implant is composed of aluminum, titanium, and silicon. There were also traces of iron, potassium, calcium, sulfur, chlorine, and sodium. While all of these elements occur naturally in the human body, Doctor John Lair says its unlikely that the combination of elements in the quantity and configuration could be possible outside of scientific manufacture. SETI guru Stephen Greer has offered to pay for hypnotherapy to recover any lost memories of interaction with aliens who might have put the device in his head. No statement has been made as to what the device might have been used for by the alien abductors.

Linda: Not tonight, Pedro, I have an implant.

Pedro: I knew you couldn’t leave that alone.

Linda: Well, some elves in Green County are going to be leaving road workers alone, now that a treaty has been negotiated with them.. After a streak of heavy equipment accidents last month on new road construction in the County, the planned route of the highway will now go around an ancient grove of oak trees regarded by locals as the home of a band of elves. The accidents have cost the state and county millions in overtime and damaged equipment as they tried to down the trees with no success. Seven men have been injured, and one remains hospitalized in serious but stable condition after his grader was overturned mysteriously. A psychic from Charlottesville who prefers to remain anonymous negotiated the treaty with the elves and is said to have reached an agreement which includes going around the oak grove and replanting trees all along the proposed roadway.

Pedro: Elves? I could see saving the trees if they were a cookie factory, but this seems like environmental extremism.

Linda: Still, its nice to know that you don’t have to be human to be a special interest group.

Pedro: I hadn’t thought of it that way. And here’s something else you might not have thought of, how to raise money to start and maintain a comprehensive drug testing program for kids aged k-12. One local community has a plan some say is necessary, but others are calling obscene. Stewarts Draft is planning to raise the money by sponsoring an "erotica and firearms fair" this weekend in hopes of bringing in the needed $250,000 for the new school anti-drug program. Councilman Alfonse D’Santori says the idea is like robbing Judas to pay the devil and is concerned about the message it will send to children. Supporters of the event say that the material being sold is no more illegal and objectionable than a day old bake sale because all of the items to be "classic" items from before 1950. Hoping the event will attract what event planners say is the sizeable population of Virginia collectors of antique firearms and vintage pornography, planners have attempetd to compromise by not allowing anyone under 18 to participate and will have the Adult Erotica seperated from the rest of the fair by an 8 foot sheetrock wall. Along with the weapons on the other side of the wall will be patriotic music from the high school band and fireworks.

Linda: Sounds like traditional family oriented fun, eh Pedro?

Pedro: Yes, Linda, and I forgot to mention there will be a beer tent, so bring your ID.

Linda: Well, that’s it for this edition of Live at Five, we hope you have a safe and fun holiday weekend.

[lights out]

(special thanks to Third Eye Over Iowa Staff Writers)


"AND NOW, THE NEWS" debuted May 25, 2001, performed by Todd Ristau and J.D. Ruelle.

[Todd Ristau's website] [Ristau Entertainment Ltd.]

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