copyright © 2004 Steve Rawley
WRITER'S BLOCK
==============
by Steve Rawley
Copyright (C) 2004 Steve Rawley
A scene for three people, at least one (Steve) is male.
CAST
----
STEVE
FRIEND
ANNOUNCER (off-stage voiecover)
----
[Setting: a coffee shop. STEVE sits at table with a laptop open, staring at
screen, sipping an espresso.
[LIGHTS: up full]
[FRIEND enters.]
FRIEND
Hey, Steve!
STEVE
[distracted]
Oh, hey, how you doon?
FRIEND
Good, good.
What are you working on?
[sits down]
STEVE
A bit for No Shame Theatre tonight.
FRIEND
Oh yeah, you told me about that.
STEVE
Right. You said you were going to come out and see our show one of these
nights?
FRIEND
Yeah. Heh. Something came up.
STEVE
Um hmm. Well, we've had four nights already.
FRIEND
Oh, you know, I had some other stuff going on. We got this DVD from
Blockbuster...
STEVE
Hey, whatever, man, I don't care if you don't show up.
FRIEND
Well don't be all defensive.
STEVE
Look, sorry, it's kind of a sore point, okay?
FRIEND
Well I read your scripts, at least. You really stuck it to the Bush
administration. Good stuff.
STEVE
Thanks.
FRIEND
So, what do you have tonight? Something topical? Man, the Bushies are all on
the defensive today, aren't they?
STEVE
No. It can't be political.
FRIEND
Why not?
STEVE
It just can't be, okay? I'm just trying to write comedy.
FRIEND
Huh. Too bad, Rumsfeld's really getting hammered. He almost showed some
humility before congress today.
STEVE
Yeah, what an arrogant bastard.
FRIEND
Think he'll resign?
STEVE
Well he damn well better. I mean, how could he take full responsibility and NOT
resign?
FRIEND
Yeah. No shit.
STEVE
[pause]
Look, I've got to come up with something for tonight. This really isn't helping.
FRIEND
Oh, sorry. What do you have so far?
STEVE
Well, here's the situation: This woman Marcy is taking her dog for a walk, but
the dog is actually this big burly guy. She's got a leash around his neck, and
she's talking all lovey-dovey-baby-talk to him, and he's talking -- well, you
know, like this is what he's thinking -- and he's just all crass and crude...
FRIEND
Oh, that's great, because of the Iraqi prisoner abuse...
STEVE
What? No, no, it's got nothing to do with that. Forget the leash.
FRIEND
Well okay, that's good, lose the leash and it could still be relevant, you
know, the whole dogs off-leash in the parks and the Mayor's race?
STEVE
What?
FRIEND
Oh, you know, Jim Francesconi made it legal for dogs to be off-leash in the
Portland parks, so you could make it a big "Tom Potter for Mayor" bit.
STEVE
No, no, it can't be political. It's just supposed to be funny.
FRIEND
Huh. Well what else do you have?
STEVE
Okay, so Marcy's all "Oh, does puppy wuppy wanna go for a walk, does he? Does
him wanna go to the park?"
And the dog's all "Oh yes! I get to go chase squirrels and scare kids," and
he's all jumping up and down and shit.
FRIEND
Okay...
STEVE
Then they go outside, and the dog starts to get really crass, sniffing and
pissing, and he's all like "Oooh, it smells like that little cocker's been
around here, I wanna tear that little shit apart," and "Huh? What's that? Oh
man, the neighbor's bitch must be in heat again, I'm gonna get me a piece of
that!"
FRIEND
All right, so what's the punch?
STEVE
What do you mean?
FRIEND
I mean, all right, I get the concept, Man as Dick-Dog. Okay. But where's it
going?
STEVE
Jesus, I don't know. What are you, some kind of drama critic all of the sudden?
FRIEND
I'm just wondering. Your other stuff was really punchy.
STEVE
Well, I was just about to write this other character Paul Dowager into the
scene, he's a friend of Marcy, and there's this sexual tension between them,
and the dog just starts going ape shit on Paul. You know, the dog's straining
at the leash, trying to attack Paul, and saying all kinds of shit about how
he's protecting his bitch from an interloper, and Marcy's trying to control
the dog, and apologizing, and of course, they're just hearing the dog barking
and snarling and going apeshit, but the audience hears what he's really saying.
FRIEND
So, what, it's kind of like George Bush is the bitch, and Donald Rumsfeld is
the dog?
Who's this Paul Dowager? The American public? Wolfowitz?
STEVE
No, man! It's got NOTHING to do with current events.
FRIEND
Well sorry! It's just that your other stuff has been so dead-on.
STEVE
Thanks, but that's not where this piece is going.
FRIEND
Okay, so what, you're going to end it at the park, and the dog's going to
attack an old lady or something?
STEVE
Oooh.... Not bad.....
[typing]
FRIEND
Then you could have the tech guy do a voice over...
STEVE
Yeah?
ANNOUNCER
Jim Fransesconi let our parks go to the dogs...
STEVE
No! It's not that kind of a piece!
ANNOUNCER
Jim Fransesconi decided to cap the Mt. Tabor resevoirs without neighborhood
involvement...
STEVE
No, damn it, that's NOT the kind of piece I'm doing tonight!
ANNOUNCER
Only Tom Potter will put people first.
STEVE
Look, man, I'm just not going there tonight....
FRIEND
Shit, don't get all mad. I'm just trying to help.
STEVE
[closes laptop]
Fine, I'm just going to finish this later.
So, you coming out tonight or what? I'll write you into this scene. You could
be Paul Dowager and I could be the dog.
FRIEND
Ooh, sorry, I taped Friends last night and haven't watched it yet.
STEVE
You've got to be kidding...
FRIEND
No, man, it was the last episode ever!
STEVE
You've got it on tape; you could watch it any time!
FRIEND
Oh, come on! Everybody's talking about it! I don't want to be the only one who
hasn't seen it yet!
STEVE
[to audience]
Jesus. See what we're up against?
FRIEND
Oh, cut me some slack.
So, you vote for mayor yet?
STEVE
Soon as I got the ballot in the mail.
FRIEND
Tom Potter?
STEVE
The only real option.
FRIEND
And you're not going to work that into your piece tonight?
STEVE
Absolutely not.
[LIGHTS: Blackout]
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
- May 7, 2004 - No Shame Portland
Performed by Steve Rawley, Annaliese Moyer and Lee Moyer.
[Steve Rawley's website]
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