copyright © 2004 Steve Rawley
FIRST DATE
by Steve Rawley
Copyright (C) 2004 Steve Rawley

A scene for 1 woman and 2 men.

CAST:
-----
Marlene
Chet, her date
Mark, the vain waiter/actor
-----

[Setting: a restaurant. Marlene and Chet examine their menus. Mark, the waiter makes his rounds without acknowledging them.]

[LIGHS up]

CHET
So, you're from Chicago?

MARLENE
Yeah, mostly. But I've lived all over the place. How about you?

CHET
Well, I've been in Southeast Portland for about 15 years now.

MARLENE
Wow, so you're practically a native. Where'd you grow up?

CHET
Oh, over in Southwest.

MARLENE
You mean, like Phoenix?

CHET
No, no, Southwest Portland.

My folks still live over there, up on Broadway.

So you said you work at OHSU?

MARLENE
Indeed I do.

[looks around for waiter]

Boy, what's it take to get service around here?

[SOUND: cell phone rings]

CHET
[pulls phone out of pocket, looks at it]

Ooh, sorry, I really should take this call.

[into phone]

Yeah.

No.

Okay.

Look, can this wait?

Okay.

Okay, yeah, tomorrow. Call me.

[hangs up phone]

I'm sorry, what were you saying?

MARLENE
Oh, nothing. It's just, we've been here for a while, and that waiter hasn't even looked over this way.

CHET
Looks like they're pretty busy tonight.

MARLENE
It's not THAT busy. I could use a drink.

CHET
Oh.

[pause]

Oh, yeah, me too.

[gestures awkwardly to waiter]

Waiter? Waiter!

MARK
[approaches table. aloof.]

Oh. I didn't see you sit down. What do you need?

MARLENE
I'll have a Sapphire martini, up.

MARK
Uh, we only have beer and wine.

MARLENE
Boy, is this some kind of Portland thing or something? Why can't a girl get a drink in this town?

CHET
[nervously]

Ha ha! No, it's just the liquor licensing is really strict here.

[to waiter]

I'll have a hefeweizen.

[phone rings]
[CHET pulls out phone and looks at it, fiddles with it]

MARLENE
Um, I'll just have a glass of white wine.

MARK
Uh, which one? We've got like 25 different white wines.
[points to wine list]

MARLENE
Surprise me.
[to Chet]
You're a popular guy, huh?

CHET
Oh, it's just work. We've got--

MARK
[clears throat]

I just wanted to let you know the specials tonight are on the board over there.

I'll be back with your drinks.

[MARK exits]

MARLENE
Jee-sus, he's surly.

CHET
I guess he's pretty busy tonight. Man, he looks really familiar. I wonder where I know him from....

Anyway, so what do you do at the OHSU?
[looks after Mark]

MARLENE
I'm a researcher. A biologist.

CHET
Wow, that's great. My dad taught high school math. I was always terrible at math.

[MARK enters]

MARK
Okay, who had the hefeweizen?

CHET
Uh, that'd be me.

MARK
So you must have the pinot noir.

MARLENE
No, I ordered a glass of white wine.

MARK
Oh right, you couldn't make up your mind.

MARLENE
No, I was very clear. I want a glass of white wine.

MARK
Fine. Fine. So you want me to take this back?

MARLENE
Yes, please, I'd like a glass of white wine.

[picks up wine list, makes quick selection]

Here, here, make it this one, the pinot gris.

MARK
Fine. I'll be right back.

[MARK exits]

CHET
I know where I know him from! He was in that play, The Pig!

MARLENE
Well, he's a lousy waiter, but I wouldn't call him a pig.

CHET
No, the play was called the Pig, or Who is Jessica.

MARLENE
What? Who is what? What are you talking about?

CHET
That's the name of the play! Really, it was brilliant. He was fantastic!

MARLENE
Well I hope he's better at remembering lines than he is at remembering orders.

CHET
Oh, he's just busy.

[MARK enters]

MARK
Let's see, who had the chardonnay?

[MARLENE raises finger]
[MARK holds on to wine]

CHET
Weren't you in that play, the Pig?

MARK
Why yes I was.

CHET
That was brilliant, what a great script. You were fabulous!

MARK
Oh, ha ha, well, thanks, it WAS a really great script, wasn't it?

CHET
[awkward pause]
...Well, I really liked the play.
[fidgets, knocks over water glass]
Oh geez!

[CHET and MARK lunge for glass, and both grab it, then pause for an
awkward moment, face to face, one holding the other's hand on the glass. Mark manages to keep wine glass upright in other hand.]

MARK
[backing away, letting go of CHET and the glass]
Whew, close one. That could have been all down your pants!

[laughs, steps back]

Uh, oh, here, I got it.

[wipes up spill]

So, uh, who had the chardonnay?

[MARLENE gestures]

MARK
Oh.

[sets wine down]

Do you know what you want for dinner?

MARLENE
You know, I think I'll just have the penne.

CHET
I'll take the Northwest burger. Can I get a salad instead of fries?

MARK
Of course. Vinaigrette?

CHET
That'd be great.

[MARK finishes writing order; exits]

CHET
So what kind of research do you do?

MARLENE
Uh, reproductive, actually. I'm working on asexual reproduction in goats.

CHET
Can they do that?

MARLENE
Do what? Reproductive research?

CHET
No, the goats. Can they reproduce. Asexually?

MARLENE
Not without a lot of help.

CHET
Huh.

MARLENE
It's a trip really. I mean, theoretically at least, males could be unnecessary.

CHET
Huh.

MARLENE
Well, you know, agriculturally speaking, most species produce an absurd surplus of males. Farmers know how to deal with this.

CHET
I'm not sure I'm following you.

MARLENE
Do you know what a gelding is?

CHET
A horse?

MARLENE
Ah, yeah. It's a horse. So, you so some kind of computer work?

[MARK enters, carrying a basket of fries]

MARK
[to Marlene]
Uh, we're all out of the penne.

MARLENE
You know what? I'll just have the burger, too.

MARK
Fries?

MARLENE
No, salad with vinaigrette, just like he's having. Just don't mix up our orders, okay?

MARK
What?

MARLENE
It was a joke. Never mind.

MARK
Fine.

Okay, so who had the fries?

CHET
[laughs]
We didn't order fries!

[MARK sets down fries and knocks over wine on Marlene while staring at Chet]

MARLENE
[stands up and brushes wine off blouse]
Oh, you have got to be kidding!

CHET
Oh, man, I'm SORRY. Here, here's a rag.

MARLENE
No, no, I'll just go to the bathroom and use some paper towels.

[MARLENE exits in a huff]

MARK
[waits for MARLENE to be out of earshot]
So, heh, that phones ringin' quite a bit.

CHET
[shyly]
Ah! [laugs] I wish. No, that's just work.
[awkward pause]
Here, here's my card. I do computer consulting, you know, set up people's networks and stuff. If you need any work done, give me a call.

MARK
Love too. I might actually have a job for you tonight.

CHET
[laughs]
So, are you in any shows that are running right now?

MARK
Well, no, not really, but I've been doing some dancing and things like that.

CHET
Really. Where?

[MARLENE enters, straightening her blouse]

MARK
Well, I better get this order in so you can get your food.

[MARK exits]

MARLENE
Jesus, what a klutz. Do you want to just go, and maybe grab a bite at that
stupid hippy brew pub place down on Hawthorne?

CHET
No, really, the food's supposed to be pretty decent here.

MARLENE
Were you flirting with him?

[SOUND: cell phone rings]

CHET
[looks at phone]
Huh. I don't know who that is. I better answer it; it might be work.

[into phone]

Yeah?

[MARK enters, across restaurant in waiter's station]

MARK
Hi, this is, uh, Mark, and, well, I've got these computers, see, and I'd really like to get them, you know, kind of hooked up together.

CHET
Yeah. Networked.

MARK
Right, networked. Anyway, I've got these wires...

CHET
Cables, yeah.

MARK
...and some of them have plugs on both ends and some have a socket on one end...

CHET
Male and female...

[CHET notices MARLENE looking at him]

...connectors on the cables. Right. You need one that's got two male connectors.

MARK
Exactly. Anyway, I was hoping you could help me get those two things together some time.

CHET
Ah, hold on just a sec, okay?

[covers phone]
[to MARLENE with false disappointment:]

It's work. I'm sorry, we've got this new contract, and the customer is really pushy. I don't know why they gave him my personal cell number, but they did.

MARLENE
Uh, sure, whatever. I understand. I've got my pager on, too.

CHET
[into phone]
Sorry, could you tell me again what you are trying to do?

MARK
[impatient]
I am trying to get into your pants, you fucking moron.

CHET
Right. Well, I'm not sure I can talk you through this on the phone.

MARK
Well then get rid of the date. You guys are my last table, then I'm out of here.

CHET
Right. Well, that's a real problem. You're going to need new connectors.

MARK
[sexy, breathy]
Both male, you said? This could be the opportunity of a life time.

[MARLENE notices MARK across the room talking on the phone]
[MARK turns away to try to be less obvious]

CHET
Right. So this system's going live in 15 minutes. What time is it now?

MARK
[impatient]
Time to ditch her, man! Come ON.

CHET
Right. Well, I guess we'll just have to do that then.

MARK
I'm hanging up.

CHET
[puts down phone]
Well, I can't believe this is happening.

MARLENE
Me either.

CHET
They actually expect me to go out there tonight.

MARLENE
You know, that's just fine. I really should be going.

CHET
Oh, gee, you know, I feel really terrible. I mean, just awful. This is stupid. Look, I'm going to call my boss and tell him, he's just got to go out there himself...

MARLENE
No, no, really. It's fine. You're the one that's got the right part for the job, I guess.

CHET
Right.

What?

MARLENE
Right network cable.

CHET
Right.

[MARK returns to table]
MARK
So, who had the Northwest burger with fries?

[BLACKOUT]
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

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