copyright © 2004 Steve Rawley
Writers' Staff Meeting
---------------------
Copyright (C) 2004
by Steve Rawley
 
for 2 men and 1 woman
 
Cast
----
Carl Rove, the Executive Producer
Chuck, Senior Writer
Vicki, Staff Writer
----
 
Setting: a conference room, two writers seated at table, one empty chair.
 
[Lights up]
 
VICKI
Chuck, are you going to stand up for me or what? You kind of left me twisting
in the wind on this last one.
 
CHUCK
Come on, there's only so much I can do. Rove is mad as hell.
 
VICKI
Well, Jesus, Chuck, why do they even keep us on staff if they're just going to butcher everything we write?
 
CHUCK
Look, We're in this together, I'll do my best, okay, but Rove is just as mad at me as he is at you. God, what a train wreck this week has been.
 
What do you have for next week, Vicki?
 
VICKI
I got nothin'.
 
CHUCK
Oh please, it wasn't that bad. Look, we've got a show to get on the air. You've got to at least have some ideas.
 
VICKI
Yeah, I've got some ideas. How 'bout they just wad up whatever I write and stuff it up their bums, how's THAT for an idea.
 
CHUCK
All right, okay, so they butchered that last one. What are you going to? We've just got to pick up the pieces an move on.
 
VICKI
Well, if they'd just stick to the script. I mean, come on! Why do they all feel like they have to improvise? Do they really think they're that good?
 
I'm just gonna tell Rove, write your own damned script.
 

CHUCK
Now Vicki--
 
VICKI
No, I'm going to do it, Chuck. As soon as that asshole marches through that door, I'm gonna stand up and tell him what I think of his brain-dead cast. If they aren't even capable of reading the damned lines off the teleprompter, I might as well go back to writing for community theatre! At least there they can read the god-damned script!
 
CHUCK
Vicki, come on, the Executive Producer's going to walk through that door any minute.
 
VICKI
No, I'm serious, I thought writing for TV was going to be fun. I didn't realize they were just going stomp all over my material and then blame me when it fails. Nobody told me I'd have to defend myself when some clown flubs his lines and gets his nose out of joint.
 
CHUCK
Welcome to the real world, Vicki.
 
VICKI
Well I'm through. Johnson had the right idea, quitting.
 
CHUCK
You're not quitting.
 
VICKI
Did you hear Powell yesterday? Did you?
 
"We will not be terrorized by this terrorist."
 
Every god-damned thing I write, they butcher!
 
CHUCK
Look, Rove thinks he's doing a good job with this one, so let's not rain on that parade. He's already so pissed about the Wolfowitz disaster on the stupid radio show.
 
VICKI
That's not what I wrote. You read my draft, you know what I wrote.
 
I don't know why Wolfy had to go take credit for it any way. Those were Bush's lines, not his.
 
CHUCK
Oh you know, he's so anal retentive, he tries to take credit for everything,
even when the president buthers your lines.
[tosses newspaper at Vicki]
Look at this, Richard Myers got it right.
 
VICKI
[Reading headline]
"General Calls Insurgency in Iraq a Sign of U.S. Success."
 
CHUCK
[grabs paper back]
Now that's a feat. He said this without cracking himself up, too. Here, check
this out:
 
"I think it's that success which is driving the current situation, because there are those extremists that don't want that success."
 
VICKI
Hey, not bad. That's actually pretty close to script. But what's Bush say? They're freedom haters. They hate freedom.
 
CHUCK
It's the same thing, really, isn't it?
 
VICKI
Yeah, but Myers didn't leave out the big words.
 
CHUCK
All right, all right, let's just try to forget about it. I don't want Rove any hotter than he already is.
 
Now seriously, what do you have? You know Rove wants some lines to get American minds of Iraq and 9/11. They're looking for campaign ads now. Something about education, or health care.
 
VICKI
Okay, how about this: Not a crackhead anymore.
 
CHUCK
Very funny, Vicki.
 
VICKI
Oh, you don't like that one? How about this: "Drug-free since 1974." No? How
about "Only one criminal conviction?" Or "Not the dumbest Bush?"
 
CHUCK
Hah hah. I'm not laughing, Vicki, this is serious. Our jobs are on the line.
 
VICKI
Well if that sumbitch could just stay on script. I mean, Jesus, they've got to keep him away from the lectern. It's like he's taking the stand in his own defense.
[rustles through paper]
Here, look at this. He can't even put a sentence together.
 
"And I said, compared to how I felt at the time, after the attack, I didn't have that -- I also went on to say, my blood wasn't boiling, I think is what the quote said. I didn't see -- I mean, I didn't have that great sense of outrage that I felt on September the 11th. I was -- on that day I was angry and sad: angry that al Qaeda had -- well, at the time, thought al Qaeda, found out shortly thereafter it was al Qaeda -- had unleashed this attack; sad for those who lost their life."
 
I mean, the basic subject-verb thing isn't happening with this guy!
 

CHUCK
All right, all right, Vicki, I get your point. We don't have much to work with. But we're professionals, right? It's our job to feed this guy lines that'll win the American public back.
 
[ROVE enters]
 
ROVE
All right people let's get started. Where's Johnson?
 
CHUCK
He, uh, quit, sir.
 
ROVE
He can't quit. He's fired!
 
Now listen, people, we're getting hammered in the ratings. I am laying responsibility right here. We've got to be crisper, more to the point! We need sound bites, people, sound bites!
 
VICKI
But--
 
ROVE
I've got to be honest with you, I'm hearing there's a lack of confidence in this group. They don't think you can deliver. We've got our guys in the field getting lambasted -- LAMBASTED -- on national TV and radio. This is unacceptable, people, unsacceptable!
 
We've got the personalities, people, we've got the sex appeal. So I ask you, what's lacking?
 
It's the material people, that's what's lacking!
 
Where's my Willie Horton? Where's my "Read my lips?"
 
VICKI
Sir, with all due respect...
 
CHUCK
Vicki, no. Listen, Mr. Rove, sir, I'm the senior writer. I take full responsibility. It's true, we just haven't delievered, but--
 
VICKI
Oh, FUCK that, Chuck. Come on. These guys butcher everything we give them.
 
ROVE
Excuse me?
 
VICKI
You heard me, Rove, we've got a god-damned illiterate out front, butchering my lines! I've won freakin' LA Drama Critics Circle awards! I've got six unfinished scripts I could be working on instead of writing lines to be stomped on by this chimp.
 
I could be hitting the pavement in LA, trying to option my stuff.
 
I even told Disney to take a hike. "My plate's full," I told 'em. And now what? I'm stuck writing for a cast that can't stick to the script, much less take direction.
 
ROVE
Now just a cotton pickin' minute, young lady, you can't just waltz in here
and--
 
VICKI
No YOU wait, Mr. Self-Important Executive Producer. You might be able to push the president around. But not me. Not anymore.
 
Waltz right in here, my ass! We were here on time, at 2 like you said, and what time is it now? 2:35! You kept us waiting for half an hour, because evidently our time isn't as important as yours! Meanwhile, you're out back smoking a cigar and talking to your mistress on your god-damned cell phone!
 
CHUCK
Vicki, Vicki, let's be reasonable here....
 
VICKI
No, I'm tired of being reasonable, Chuck. I mean, look at you! Look what they've done to your writing. You used to be a good writer, and now you're writing stuff like this:
[picks up paper again]
"Although these instigations of violence come from different factions, they
share common goals."
 
What's with the passive voice, Chuck? I think your edge has been lost, Chuck.
 
CHUCK
Oh, so ironic, Vicki. Cute, really cute.
 
ROVE
People, people, come on now, time is money. Passive, active, who cares! The president doesn't have time for this kind of petty bickering, and neither do I. We've got a show to put on, and frankly, we're running out of material. I place the responsibility for that right here in this room, people! This is UNACCEPTABLE.
 
VICKI
Hey, hey! You listen to me, Carl, I'm a serious writer. I'm not just an idea person, I'm the one that puts it on paper. My ideas come to life in the hands of a good actor.
 
Shit. I don't have time for your crap. I quit!
[stands up and throws newspaper down, waits for reaction]
 
ROVE
[pause. claps hands unenthusiastically]
Bravo, bravo.
 
Now, Ms. Serious Writer, what do you have for me this week? We need some
serious spin control, people. You've got one more chance, Vicki.
 

 
CHUCK
[pause]
Vicki?
 
VICKI
[Pause. Looks at Chuck, then at Rove. Sits back down.]
Okay, Fine.
[pause]
[animated]
Well I was thinking: Fade in. Exterior. Wide crane shot, man standing in front of a school surrounded by children, all holding small American flags.
 
Music swells as camera slowly moves toward man, while a female voice speaks:
"For too many years, our children have been forgotten, lost in the shuffle of
Washington politics. John Kerry opposed the No Child Left Behind Act. John
Kerry voted to reduce school funding."
 
ROVE
Okay people, now we're talking! I like, I like. Continue...
 
VICKI
Angle to close up of man, who turns out to be George Bush. The children behind him look up adoringly as their flags flutter in a gentle breeze....
 
CHUCK
You've got it Vicki, I knew you'd come through in the clutch...
 
VICKI
Bush's eyes are fixed on some distant point, as the voice-over continues: "John Kerry says he supports education, but he's voted to reduce funding for standardized testing 16 times."
 
ROVE
Is that true?
 
CHUCK
Who cares? I'll get one of the fact checkers on it.
 
Oh god, Vicki, you've still got it!
 
VICKI
Bush looks into the camera and speaks:
 
ROVE
Yes, yes...
 
VICKI
[pause]
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
 
ROVE
You're fired!
 
VICKI
I QUIT!
 
[Blackout]
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