copyright © 2004 Steve Rawley
DEAD AIR, with Carrie Grody
Copyright (C) 2004
by Steve Rawley
for one female and three males
(or one female and two males)
 
CAST:
-----
Carrie Grody, radio host, slight valley girl accent
George W. Bush
Paul Wolfowitz
Maury Bender, newscaster
-----
 
[Setting: a radio studio, Carrie Grody and Geo. W. Bush sitting on opposite
sides of a table or radio console. Bush is wearing socks on his hands, and
clutches a cocktail in one. Paul Wolfowitz crouches behind Bush, almost out of
sight, with his hand up under Bush's shirt, like a pupetteer]
 
[Lights up]
 
CARRIE GRODY
From Y Y Y Y Y in Arkadelphia, I'm Carrie Grody and this is Dead Air...
[Long pause]
On Today's show, we welcome the leader of the free world, President George W.
Bush. He's being increasingly criticized for failing to recognize the threat
of terrorism leading up to 9/11, for sending over 600 US soldiers to their
deaths on false pretenses, and for undermining his own war on terror with his invasion and occupation of Iraq.
 
GEORGE W. BUSH
[to Wolfowitz]
Condi told me this chick did softball interviews!
 
GRODY
In his new book, president Bush defends his record of defending American
freedom from the freedom hating hordes of horrendous terrorists, those he calls "the evil ones."
 
First the news.
 
[BUSH attempts to catch Grody's eye and flirt with her during newscast]
 
MAURY BENDER
[offstage, on PA]
From Irational Public Radio News in Jefferson, I'm Maury Bender.
 
The Department of Homeland Security announced today that it was raising the terrorist alert level to fuschia, the highest level to date and the 16th highest level on the terror spectrum. Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge said the move came in response to a general softening in the public's perceptions about the threat of terrorism, and not in response to any particular threat.
 
Attorney General John Ashcroft immediately announced the suspension of any
remaining civil rights, a move he claimed was waranted, since, quote, As a free
people, sometimes we have to give up a little freedom in order to remain free,
unquote.
 
Lawyers for the ACLU immediately filed a suit to stop Ashcroft's suspension of
the constitution, but they were all rounded up and shot. The supreme court
immediately invalidated their case, citing a lack of evidence.
 
The Dow Jones Industrials crashed today, as corporate executives cashed in
their chips, wiping out all remaining retirement savings for working people.
 
From Irational Public Radio News, I'm Maury Bender.
 
CARRIE GRODY
We're back.
 
In President Bush's new book, "Defenders of Freedom From a Free Land," the
president defends his record of fighting for freedom. The dust jacket features
the president in a flight suit on the deck of an air craft carrier in front of a banner reading "Fighting for Freedom for Freedom Lovers."
 
Mr. President, welcome to our show.
 
BUSH
Please, call me George.
 
CARRIE GRODY
[Laughs nervously]
George. Okay, George, uh, in your book, you don't really address the allegations that you've been one of the most out of touch, hands-off presidents in the history of our country? And that your administration has single handedly set back international law by 50 years and made the world a far more dangerous place for Americans? What do you say to these critics?
 
BUSH
[slouches across table toward Grody]
[muttering]
I'd say I'd like to see that blouse on the floor of the Lincoln bedroom. I'll
show you a hands-on president...
 
[WOLFOWITZ tugs at Bush from behind]
 
BUSH
[sits bolt upright]
[clearly and slowly]
I'd say to those critics: the world is a dangerous place today because of the
threat of terr-ists-s-s, the evil ones who hate freedom. You see, these people
hate freedom. They hate it so much they want to bomb our nuke-you-ler facilities.
 
GRODY
Really, they hate freedom?
 
BUSH
They want to blow up our trains and destroy our sky scrapers-s-s.
 
GRODY
No wait, you're saying they yearn for confinement?
 

BUSH
What?
 
GRODY
The terrorists--
 
BUSH
[holds up hands]
The freedom-hating evil ones...
 
GRODY
So if they hate freedom, does that mean they yearn for confinement?
 
BUSH
The Democratic leadership is being ir-re-spon-sible. Our men and women in
uniform deserve our support, not our contempt.
 
GRODY
Mr. President, you've been criticized yourself for not supporting our troops, for, like, proposing a cut in combat pay or something?
 
BUSH
Look, I'll be honest with you: I was told there wouldn't be any hard
questions on this show. Now, please call me George, and let me have some of those soft ball questions Condi said you'd have.
 
GRODY
[giggles]
Oh, okay George, why are you, like, wearing socks on your hands?
 
BUSH
I thought I could use them to illustrate to the American people--
 
GRODY
But this is radio...
 
BUSH
--the mindset of these terr-istsss. Here, this one is Osama bin Laden:
 
[WOLFOWITZ tugs at Bush from behind again]
[BUSH shrugs off Wolfowitz]
 
BUSH
[Italian accent, lip-syncs with sock on one hand]
I'm-a Osama bin Laden-a. I want to blow up-a you buildings, because I hate-a
freedom!
[Russian accent, other hand]
I Sodom Hussein. I live life of luxury in Bagdad and I gas my own people. Why? Because in Iraq, we hate freedom! Ah-ha ha ha!
 
[WOLFOWITZ tugs at Bush again]
 
GRODY
But...
 
BUSH
No no, this is where it gets good! What if Gore was president, and we just let
Osama go.
 
GRODY
But we DID just let Osama go...
 
BUSH
No, no, I mean Sodom. If we just let Sodom go.
[Italian accent puppet]
I'm-a Osama bin Laden-a. I just-a blow up-a some skyscraper and I wanna
nuke-ya-ler device-a! I hate-a freedom!
[Russian accent puppet]
I Sodom Hussein. I make bomb for you, Osama. Why I make bomb for you? Because Iraqis hate freedom too! Together we blow up freedom and freedom lovers! Ah-ha ha ha!
 
[WOLFOWITZ grabs bush, shakes him, then holds him firmly]
 
GRODY
So if they hate freedom? And we lock them up?
 
BUSH
[seriously, slowly]
We will hunt these terr-istsss to the end of the Earth.
 
[WOLFOWITZ crouches behind Bush again]
 
GRODY
--then we're giving them what they want?
 
BUSH
We will hunt down these freedom haters--
 
GRODY
I'm sorry, I'm just a little confused?
 
BUSH
--and we will capture or kill them.
[finishes drink and leers at Grody]
[Italian accent puppet]
I like-a da way that-a blouse-a hang on ya.
 
[WOLFOWITZ shakes and restrains Bush]
 
GRODY
[to Wolfowitz]
Um, excuse me? Who ARE you anyway?
 
BUSH
Don't MIND him. That's HIS job.
 
Get it! He's a minder! But seriously!
[Italian accent puppet]
He don't-a like it when I-a drink-a!
 
WOLFOWITZ
[stands up]
I'm Paul Wolfowitz.
 
GRODY
Who?
 
WOLFOWITZ
Paul Wolfowitz, god damn it!
 
BUSH
Condi couldn't make it.
[Italian accent puppet]
I tink-a she cheating on you. You cuckholded! Ah-ha ha ha! She have-a many
friends in-a congress.
[Russian accent]
No, no, it that Rumsfeld over at defense! Him crazy foxy! Ladies go wild for heem!
 
GRODY
You're not Wolf Blitzer. I know Wolf.
 
[WOLFOWITZ pushes Bush away roughly]
[BUSH slumps to floor, unconscious]
 
WOLFOWITZ
Wolfowitz, God damn it, I'm Paul Wolfowitz. Deputy Defense Secretary? Defense
Policy Board? Author of the Wolfowitz doctrine?
 
Oh yeah, you god damn liberal media types don't even know I wrote the Bush doctrine in 1992!
 
GRODY
I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask you to leave? Or call security?
 
WOLFOWITZ
I AM security, damn you! I designed the new security state! I architected the
policy of pre-emption, I designed the taking of Iraq! It was me, damn you, me
me ME! Why don't you interview me? It was my idea to call them freedom haters!
 
GRODY
Oh my god! You wrote that line? I just don't get that!
 
WOLFOWITZ
[calming down]
What? You don't get what?
 
GRODY
The whole "They hate freedom" thing. I mean, if they hate freedom, what do they love?
 
WOLFOWITZ
Well, that's our core value, right? I mean, land of the free and all that? So
if you want to instill fear of the enemy in people, you've got to convince them the enemy hates your core values, and--
 
GRODY
Wait a minute, I think I saw you on PBS!
 
WOLFOWITZ
[Pushes Bush out of the way; sits down in his chair]
There, see, you have heard of me! Why doesn't anybody want to interview ME?
Why am I stuck on those stupid liberal shows on PBS that nobody watches?
 
GRODY
Because you're, like, a policy wonk or something?
 
WOLFOWITZ
Come on, interview me. I'm not just a policy wonk. I'm the single biggest
threat to global peace and stability since the crusades! My policies has been mouthed by two Bushes and a Clinton!
 
Just interview me!
 
GRODY
Bill Clinton? I did him on my show.
 
But he's LIBERAL! And you're, like, neo-conservative or something?
 
WOLFOWITZ
Oh for God's sake Carrie, pull your head out of your ass! Who do you think
runs this country?
 
[GRODY freezes up and looks like she's going to cry]
 
WOLFOWITZ
[reaches across and strokes Grody's arm]
Look, I'm sorry, it's just, I don't get any respect for the work I do. I mean,
I've got the blood of 10,000 Iraqi civilians on my hands, and what do I get?
Rumsfeld sending me nasty grams and Armitage refusing to return my calls.
 
GRODY
10,000 dead civilians? Oh my god! That's, like, totally grody!
 
WOLFOWITZ
But it's only the beginning! Can't you see? We won't stop until we have a permanent military state, a lock on the US budget and the entire Muslim world is at our feet! The rest of the world will soon bow before us, the lone superpower arbitrarily ruling by the pure virtue of our military might!
 
GRODY
But they're, like, fighting back in Iraq.
 
[BUSH begins to stir]
 
WOLFOWITZ
All right, all right, So I overlooked that possibility. Who knew?
 
But nevermind that! It all fits the plan! More bombs! More money for our friends at Halliburton! More evidence that the terrorists hate freedom! Don't you get it Carrie? Can't you see? It all just fits!
 
BUSH
[wakes up]
Wolfy, get the fuck out of my chair!
 
WOLFOWITZ
[kicks Bush]
Shut up, George
 
BUSH
I'm gonna tell Mom!
 
[Bush grabs Wolfowitz by the ankles and pulls him out of the chair. They
scuffle]
 
GRODY
Well I'd like to thank you both for being here.
 
My guests today have been George Bush and Wolf Blitzowitz....
 
WOLOFOWITZ
[still fighting with Bush]
Wolfowitz, damn it! Paul Wolfowitz!
 
GRODY
More after a short break.
 
[Blackout]
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