Matt and Doug
By: Pookman
Lights up.
NARRATOR: Breakfast at Pookman’s apartment is a special moment. He and his two roommates always eat together, for this is usually the only part of day that they are home at the same time. The following are actual excerpts from Pookman’s breakfast conversations this week.
Lights down.
NARRATOR: Monday.
Lights up.
MATT: Do you like children?
ANDREW: Sick. No, you fucking pervert.
MATT: No, what I mean is do you want children?
ANDREW: I just said "No."
MATT: What I mean is: do you want to have children?
ANDREW: They can do that now?
MATT: No.
ANDREW: Then why ask?
MATT: Listen; I was just trying to figure out whether or not you were ever planning on being a father.
ANDREW: Oh! I get it now. I understand what you meant, now! Ha-ha-ha, sorry. You must think I’m the biggest ass in the world. Um…no. I fucking hate kids. They’re all little shits.
Lights down.
NARRATOR: Tuesday.
Lights up.
ANDREW: Hey, I got you a date.
DOUG: With who?
ANDREW: Jenny.
DOUG: Jenny who?
ANDREW: Steph’s little sister. Steph says Jenny looks just like that girl from the Wendy’s logo.
DOUG: You mean Wendy?
ANDREW: No, I mean Jenny. Pay attention.
MATT: Really?
ANDREW: Hmm?
MATT: Does she look a lot like that girl from the ads? That girl is pretty fucking hot!
DOUG: Sick, dude, that girl in the Wendy’s logo is supposed to be like eight years old!
MATT: No she’s not.
ANDREW: No, Matt, really. The girl in the logo is supposed to be in like 2nd grade.
MATT: Well…then…we must never speak of this again.
Lights down.
NARRATOR: Wednesday.
Lights up.
ANDREW: How’d the date go?
DOUG: Ok. She thought I was kinda cute.
ANDREW: You?
DOUG: Yeah. I may not seem like much, but underneath this marginally suave exterior exists an even more marginally attractive man.
ANDREW: You’re lack of self-respect is quite impressive, you know that?
DOUG: Wait till you see my lack of self-confidence, then you’ll really be impressed.
ANDREW: Why do you do that? Why do you counter everything said to you with a self-deprecating remark?
DOUG: I’m just an idiot, I guess.
Lights down.
NARRATOR: Thursday.
Lights up.
MATT: Andrew, are you gay?
ANDREW: What?!
DOUG: Yeah, I heard from Steph that you might be gay.
ANDREW: I’m not gay.
MATT: You are! You are gay!
ANDREW: I’m not gay!
MATT: My God. I read somewhere that gay men use drugs at a substantially higher rate than straight men. Are you on crack?!
ANDREW: I seriously doubt that statistic, and I’m not on crack!
DOUG: Are you sure?
ANDREW: Don’t you think I’d know if I was on crack?
MATT: Maybe. But then again, you didn’t even know you were gay.
ANDREW: I’m not gay!
DOUG: Yeah, like we’re really gonna believe a crackhead.
Lights down.
NARRATOR: This morning.
Lights up.
MATT: (Coughs loud) I hate coughing.
ANDREW: Why?
MATT: Cause it hurts.
ANDREW: It hurts?
MATT: Yeah, it hurts to cough.
ANDREW: Oh, you said "I hate *coughing*."
MATT: Yeah, what did you think I said?
ANDREW: I though you said "I hate *coffee*."
MATT: Why would I say that?
ANDREW: I dunno. That’s what I was trying to figure out. Maybe you hate coffee?
MATT: Yes, yes. But to just say, "I hate coffee." out of the blue like that would be odd. That, coupled with the fact that I had just coughed. That, coupled with…
ANDREW: You can’t couple three things. A couple is two things.
MATT: I’m not coupling three things. I’m coupling two things and making them one, and then I’m coupling to that original couple–which is now a single entity–with something new. In this way I could a couple a million things together and never break the definition of the word "couple".
[Silence for 5 seconds]
DOUG: I hate coffee, too.
Lights down.
"Matt and Doug" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Matt and Doug" debuted February 15, 2002, performed by J Erwin, P Ookman, M Tabor, J Nebergall.Performed at Special Wednesday "Taste of No Shame" in Currier Hall on April 17, 2002.
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