By Joshua James

BOB

Hey Bill, I been lookin' all over for ya.

BILL

Hey Bob.

BOB

What'cha thinking so hard about?

BILL

Well Bob, I'm thinking some pretty serious thoughts about . . . homosexuality.

BOB

You are?

BILL

(Serious)

Yes Bob, I am.

BOB

(Taken aback)

Oh, okay. Bill?

BILL

Yes Bob?

BOB

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you a macho-militant-all-faggots- should-be-shot-and-killed-die-hard- homophobe?

BILL

Yes Bob, that's true, but I have seen the error of my ways, and have since re-evaluated my position on homo-sexuality.

BOB

Well, hey, that's good to hear.

BILL

You see, gay men have been havin' a hard time lately, so I think it's time that heterosexual men, LIKE US.

BOB

Heterosexual men LIKE US!

BILL

I think it's time we showed a little understanding and compassion for our homo-sexual brothers. I mean, after all, we're all MEN, aren't we?

BOB

Men we are!

BILL

And men should stick together!

BOB

Stick together!

BILL

Sticking together strictly in a platonic and spiritual sense, of course.

BOB

Of course.

BILL

You have to put yourself in the other guy's shoes. I mean, I was thinking about this the other day, I if I was gay, WHICH I AM NOT . . .

BOB

WHICH YOU ARE NOT!

BILL

If I was gay . . . I would fuck men!

BOB

You would!

BILL

I would, I would be fucking men all over the place, left and right.

BOB

I can kinda see your point on this Bill. I mean, if I was gay, WHICH I AM NOT . . .

BILL

WHICH YOU ARE NOT!

BOB

If I was gay, I too would fuck men. But I wouldn't be fucking men as indiscriminately as you. I myself would only be fucking men with hot bodies and lots of cash. That's who I'd be fuckin', if I was gay, which I am not . . .

BILL

Which you are not. I see what you're saying, and I understand it, but Bob, you know me, I don't do things halfway, so if I was gay, which I am not . . .

BOB

Which you are not.

BILL

If I was gay, I would fuck men, and I would fuck men, all over the country, across the board. All over America, I would be fucking men. I would be Mister Gay USA. Men you didn't think could be fucked, I would FUCK THEM. Yes sir, married men, I would be fucking.

BOB

While I could appreciate such enthusiasm and dedication, I would not be able to separate myself from my good taste. No fat hairy bastard allowed in my bed, only sexy studs with sweaty rippling muscles.

BILL

You see, that's all heterosexual men have to do, is put themselves in the other guy’s shoes for a minute. That's all it takes, and what we gain out of it is unity, unity for males around the world. I mean, homosexuals are MEN, after all, they just got a different thing going on.

BOB

No, they got the same thing, they're just putting it in a different place.

BILL

Yes Bob, that's true. You know Bob, if I were gay, which I am not . . .

BOB

Which you are not.

BILL

If I were gay, I would even fuck you.

BOB

(Moved)

Gee, thanks Bill. I'm touched. I'd fuck you too.

BILL

See where a little compassion and understanding can lead us?

BILL

(Starting to joke)

Get the fuck outa here!

BOB

(Starting to laugh)

Man oh man, you really had me goin'!

This scene later become the basis for my first produced play, THE MEN’S ROOM, which has been produced in New York City, Los Angeles and London.