copyright © 2005 Matt Perry

A Urinary Time-Saving Device

(A man calmly walks onstage and looks inquisitively at the audience.)

Man 1: Has this ever happened to you?

(Another man hurries onstage, frantically checking his watch. He turns his back to the audience and begins to urinate, alternating between holding "it" and checking his watch.)

Man 2: Hurry up! Hurry up down there, damn you! I’m going to be late! Can’t you go any faster? No, not on my pants! Shit! I’m going to be late for work because of you! Damn it!

Man 1: Last minute urination can be a problem for any man. It comes on at the last second, it doesn’t go away, and it comes out just too slowly. Many a man has been forced to endure many pairs of ruined pants and so much stress over arriving at the office late. Luckily, there is a solution to Male Delayed Urination Syndrome.

Man 2: (Turns around) Is there really?

Man 1: Yes. Introducing Speed-P, brought to you by Anderson & Sons, makers of the finest fire hoses in the world.

Man 2: Say, why are you in my bathroom, anyways?

Man 1: Just one pill a day can turn your member into a weapon so powerful that the US government is investigating the possibility of using kidney stone patients as artillery. The way it works is simple. The male sex organ is built around a combination of muscles and sponge-like tissues. In a method comparable to the side-affects showcased in the movie Rookie of the Year, Speed-P stretches these muscles and tissues to an extreme tautness usually only seen in a nylon cord used for a game of tug-o-war between 80 Korean strong men.

Man 2: Wait a minute, I saw those pictures! The cord broke and two people lost their arms!

Man 1: True, but who plays tug-o-war with their penis, anyways? Moving on, when a supply of urine is ready to be released, it remains in the super-taut muscles and tissues until that crucial last-minute moment in the bathroom, when it is released is a method comparable to a slingshot, sending the urine out all at once, saving valuable minutes in the bathroom. Here sir, you try it.

(Man 1 hands Man 2 a pill, which Man 2 hesitantly takes and swallows. His knees slightly buckle and his hips gyrate. A smile comes over his face.)

Man 2: Tingly!

Man 1: Now sir, go ahead and give it a try!

(Man 2 turns around, unzips, and screams. He doubles over in pain and falls over, clutching his crotch. Another man walks onstage and looks at Man 2.)

Man 3: What happened to him?

Man 2: I. . . took. . . a. . . piss. . .

Man 1: Well Jim, it looks like it’s back to the drawing board.

Man 3: Tell me about it. You don’t even want to know what’s happened during the Shit-a-Brik tests. By the way, the janitors cleaning out the Come-Quick testing rooms want to know who glued mushrooms on the walls.

Man 1: Oh boy. We’d better check that out right away.

(Man 1 and Man 3 leave. Man 2 is still twitching on the ground.)

Man 2: I. . . need. . . band-aids. . .

The End


[Back to Library] Home