I’m glad I found you just sitting here. We’ve got a lot to talk about, you and I. No, don’t say a word! This is about what I have to say to you! I saw you at the party last night. I tried to be by you, but there were just too many guys all surrounding you, and I didn’t see you complaining about it.

Damn it, you’re supposed to be mine! That’s what our relationship is all about! You’re there for me when I need support and comfort, and I give you everything you need! Well, I needed you last night, and you were servicing everybody but me!

Jesus, you think I wouldn’t notice my best friend lowering himself on top of you? Did you think I wouldn’t mind seeing you hold him tight? What about when two, three, even four or more guys all climbed on top of you? Even when you fell over and they didn’t move a muscle to help you back up, and just laid sprawled over you, I don’t recall you fighting them off!

That hurts! You don’t know what it was like for me, seeing everybody at the party use you whenever they needed it! Guys, girls, even my dog Sparky climbed on you, and you took it! Everything you used to do for me, you did to everybody else last night. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad if you didn’t completely ignore me. I would have liked a little bit, too! But you don’t even care, do you?

Well, that’s it. I’m done with you. You’re cheap, stained, and nowhere near the shape you were in when I first found you. I don’t love you anymore, I don’t even want to look at you. I’m tossing you out on the curb, and whoever finds you there can do what they want with you, because you don’t mean a thing to me anymore. This afternoon, I’m going out and buying a new recliner, and this one’s going to be leather!

• April 2, 2004 - No Shame La Crosse
  

  Performed by Matt Perry.

• April 30, 2004 - Best of No Shame (La Crosse)
  

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