copyright © 2004 Matt Perry

Watch, Monkeys! This is Art!

(Two men, Phillip and Roger, sit facing each other uneasily)

Phillip: Roger? Roger? Would you just tell me what’s wrong already?

Roger: You fucked me!

P: Yes. Yes I did.

R: Why would you do such a thing?!

P: It seemed like a good idea at the time.

R: How could it possibly seem like a good idea to you?!

P: I could ask you the same question! You started it after all!

R: Yes, but I was joking!

P: So was I!

R: No, fucking me is not a joke! I was not laughing!

P: No, but you sure bent over.

R: How could you tell? You were on your knees for most of it.

P: If I thought you could still walk, I’d ask you to come over here and say that!

R: That comeback was the second thing today that sucked so badly I had to laugh!

P: I can’t believe how uptight you’re being!

(At this point, their lines begin to run together)

R: What do you mean ‘uptight’? What would you call your reaction to being sodomized by your roommate?

P: You’re asking me a lot of questions, what else are you questioning?

R: I should fuck you up for that!

P: Too late!

(Their friend, Amy, runs in to see what the yelling is about)

Amy: What the Hell is going on in here?

(Phillip and Roger turn away from each other, crossing their arms and pouting like spoiled children)

P & R: Nothing!

A: Nothing, huh? So I heard two of my best friends yelling at each other for nothing?

R: Yes!

A: So I take it Roger’s mad at you, Phil?

P: Yes, it would appear that way.

A: So what did you do?

P: I don’t want to talk about it.

A: This is getting us nowhere. . . Why don’t you both tell me what’s wrong together?

R: You’d have to promise not to laugh or come to any. . . Premature conclusions.

A: I promise, now tell me what happened.

(Phillip and Roger turn around and narrate rapidly)

P: Well, we each had huge job interviews that we had to get ready for today.

R: Which meant that we had to shower before leaving.

P: But all the shower stalls, except one, were already being used.

R: I got there first.

P: Well, we decided that since we both had to leave soon, we could both share the stall.

R: And things were going fine. A bit cramped, but fine.

P: Then Roger here decides to say "Oh my, I seem to have dropped the soap!"

R: As a joke!

P: So then I, just joking back asked "Anything I can help you with there?"

R: And then he starts caressing my chest and smiling at me!

P: As a joke!

R: And then. . . What happened next? I can’t remember. . .

P: You kissed me.

R: Oh shit, that’s right.

(Amy, who had been growing steadily more disgusted throughout the retelling of events, steps between the two)

A: Wait, you kissed him?

R: As a joke!

A: What happened next?

P: We made out.

A: Let me guess, as a joke?

R: Absolutely. Phillip gets down on his knees then. . .

A: I can see where that went, so we can skip the details of that. What happened next?

P & R: Well. . .

(Phillip and Roger look at each other as if remembering what happened next. They bite their lips and look sheepishly away from one another for a second, taking a deep breath.)

P & R: Nothing.

A: Nothing, huh?

R: Alright, he fucked me! Happy now?

A: You did WHAT?!

P: As a. . . Oh, fuck it.

R: You already did that, remember?

(The two begin to shout at each other in frustration)

P: Why did you even start joking around about that stuff?!

R: I don’t know!

P: Why didn’t you stop me?!

R: I don’t know!

A: Why are you both yelling?!


(Everyone takes a second to calm down)

A: Well, if you don’t mind me asking, how did your job interviews go?

(Phillip and Roger look at each other in a panic)

R: Shit!

P: This is all your fault! If you hadn’t started goofing off in the shower. . .

R: Well, if you could have just put on some deodorant and been happy with that. . .

P: If you hadn’t spent all that time after we got out brooding and glaring at me. . .

R: Well, if you hadn’t (His voice cracks) tried to. . . Fuck!

P: Dude, your voice just cracked.

R: I know it cracked! That’s what your voice does when your best friend takes a gun and stabs you in the back right in front of your face!

P: Roger. . .? I’m still your best friend? Even after. . .?

R: Yes, you’re still my best friend.

P: But I. . .

A: Phillip, best friends don’t let a little sodomy get in the way of their relationship. They’re stronger than that. It takes a true friend to look you in the eyes after you get done plundering his corn hole and say "I’m not sure I liked that, but you’re still my friend."

P: Yeah, I guess you’re right. We both did act a little foolishly, didn’t we?

R: Yeah. If only we didn’t keep on trying to one-up each other’s jokes. . .

P: What a lesson we learned! But I think we’ve come out. . . Err, came away from this experience as stronger friends, even if it did cost us job opportunities.

A: Not necessarily!

R: What do you mean, Amy? We can’t just go to our interviews two hours too late and say "Sorry I’m late, my roommate took me from behind!"

A: Sure you can! If you say that, they’d have to hire you under Affirmative Action! Gay people fill quotas fabulously!

P: You’re right! Why didn’t we come to you before, Amy?

A: Because you guys were busy yelling at each other. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take a shower. Alone.

(She exits)

P: Well, that was quite an experience, huh?

R: Sure was!

P: But we’re better people because of it, and everything’s back to normal.

R: Well, sort of. I was so mad after I got out of the shower that I took an axe to my bed and set it on fire. I’ve got nowhere to sleep tonight!

P: Hey, my bed can fit two. You can sleep in my bed with me tonight.

(They begin to walk off, arm in arm)

R: Yeah, everything’s back to normal!


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