Watch, Monkeys! This is Art!
(Two men, Phillip and Roger, sit facing each other uneasily)
Phillip: Roger? Roger? Would you just tell me whats wrong already?
Roger: You fucked me!
P: Yes. Yes I did.
R: Why would you do such a thing?!
P: It seemed like a good idea at the time.
R: How could it possibly seem like a good idea to you?!
P: I could ask you the same question! You started it after all!
R: Yes, but I was joking!
P: So was I!
R: No, fucking me is not a joke! I was not laughing!
P: No, but you sure bent over.
R: How could you tell? You were on your knees for most of it.
P: If I thought you could still walk, Id ask you to come over here and say that!
R: That comeback was the second thing today that sucked so badly I had to laugh!
P: I cant believe how uptight youre being!
(At this point, their lines begin to run together)
R: What do you mean uptight? What would you call your reaction to being sodomized by your roommate?
P: Youre asking me a lot of questions, what else are you questioning?
R: I should fuck you up for that!
P: Too late!
(Their friend, Amy, runs in to see what the yelling is about)
Amy: What the Hell is going on in here?
(Phillip and Roger turn away from each other, crossing their arms and pouting like spoiled children)
P & R: Nothing!
A: Nothing, huh? So I heard two of my best friends yelling at each other for nothing?
A: So I take it Rogers mad at you, Phil?
P: Yes, it would appear that way.
A: So what did you do?
P: I dont want to talk about it.
A: This is getting us nowhere. . . Why dont you both tell me whats wrong together?
R: Youd have to promise not to laugh or come to any. . . Premature conclusions.
A: I promise, now tell me what happened.
(Phillip and Roger turn around and narrate rapidly)
P: Well, we each had huge job interviews that we had to get ready for today.
R: Which meant that we had to shower before leaving.
P: But all the shower stalls, except one, were already being used.
R: I got there first.
P: Well, we decided that since we both had to leave soon, we could both share the stall.
R: And things were going fine. A bit cramped, but fine.
P: Then Roger here decides to say "Oh my, I seem to have dropped the soap!"
R: As a joke!
P: So then I, just joking back asked "Anything I can help you with there?"
R: And then he starts caressing my chest and smiling at me!
P: As a joke!
R: And then. . . What happened next? I cant remember. . .
P: You kissed me.
R: Oh shit, thats right.
(Amy, who had been growing steadily more disgusted throughout the retelling of events, steps between the two)
A: Wait, you kissed him?
R: As a joke!
A: What happened next?
P: We made out.
A: Let me guess, as a joke?
R: Absolutely. Phillip gets down on his knees then. . .
A: I can see where that went, so we can skip the details of that. What happened next?
P & R: Well. . .
(Phillip and Roger look at each other as if remembering what happened next. They bite their lips and look sheepishly away from one another for a second, taking a deep breath.)
P & R: Nothing.
A: Nothing, huh?
R: Alright, he fucked me! Happy now?
A: You did WHAT?!
P: As a. . . Oh, fuck it.
R: You already did that, remember?
(The two begin to shout at each other in frustration)
P: Why did you even start joking around about that stuff?!
R: I dont know!
P: Why didnt you stop me?!
R: I dont know!
A: Why are you both yelling?!
P & R: WE DONT KNOW!!
(Everyone takes a second to calm down)
A: Well, if you dont mind me asking, how did your job interviews go?
(Phillip and Roger look at each other in a panic)
P: This is all your fault! If you hadnt started goofing off in the shower. . .
R: Well, if you could have just put on some deodorant and been happy with that. . .
P: If you hadnt spent all that time after we got out brooding and glaring at me. . .
R: Well, if you hadnt (His voice cracks) tried to. . . Fuck!
P: Dude, your voice just cracked.
R: I know it cracked! Thats what your voice does when your best friend takes a gun and stabs you in the back right in front of your face!
P: Roger. . .? Im still your best friend? Even after. . .?
R: Yes, youre still my best friend.
P: But I. . .
A: Phillip, best friends dont let a little sodomy get in the way of their relationship. Theyre stronger than that. It takes a true friend to look you in the eyes after you get done plundering his corn hole and say "Im not sure I liked that, but youre still my friend."
P: Yeah, I guess youre right. We both did act a little foolishly, didnt we?
R: Yeah. If only we didnt keep on trying to one-up each others jokes. . .
P: What a lesson we learned! But I think weve come out. . . Err, came away from this experience as stronger friends, even if it did cost us job opportunities.
A: Not necessarily!
R: What do you mean, Amy? We cant just go to our interviews two hours too late and say "Sorry Im late, my roommate took me from behind!"
A: Sure you can! If you say that, theyd have to hire you under Affirmative Action! Gay people fill quotas fabulously!
P: Youre right! Why didnt we come to you before, Amy?
A: Because you guys were busy yelling at each other. Now if youll excuse me, Im going to take a shower. Alone.
P: Well, that was quite an experience, huh?
R: Sure was!
P: But were better people because of it, and everythings back to normal.
R: Well, sort of. I was so mad after I got out of the shower that I took an axe to my bed and set it on fire. Ive got nowhere to sleep tonight!
P: Hey, my bed can fit two. You can sleep in my bed with me tonight.
(They begin to walk off, arm in arm)
R: Yeah, everythings back to normal!THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Matt Perry, Staci McGregor and Troy Iverson.