copyright © 2004 Matt Perry
A Day at Stereotype High School
Part One: The Norm
Characters: Raven: A gothic gangster who alternates between swaggering and slouching, gang signs and the middle finger, Ebonics and angsty poetry.
Timothy: A gay jock who acts flamboyantly, but talks like a self-assured football God. Constantly interjects himself into compromising positions, but is always ready with anti-gay sentiments and to pronounce his desire for pussy. Is he or isn’t he? Nobody knows.
Jose (Pronounced Joe C.): A Hispanic white supremacist. He uses Spanish words with a strong Hispanic accent while proclaiming his love for his Aryan brothers and hailing Hitler. Like Timothy’s sexuality and Raven’s personality, we should never be sure of his actual race.
Pierre: A French foreign exchange student, fiercely competitive with an interest in military affairs. He also likes Americans, and has a taste for beer rather than wine.
Alyssa: A student new to the school. She has not yet met any of the kids.
Place: On the school’s sunny patio, lunchtime.
Raven swaggers in and lounges at a table. He begins to eat his lunch, surveying the ladies as they pass. Jose walks in and begins looking for a seat.
Raven: Hey, you lookin’ for a spot here, dawg?
Jose: Now why would I want to sit with a Negro like you?
Raven: Whatever, you capitalist bastard.
Jose: Bitch, I should cut you for that, esse! Slit you from ear to ear! You like that, huh?
Timothy runs in and sees the trouble.
Timothy: Hey now everybody, break it up or I’m going to get involved!
Raven and Jose look at each other for a second, then laugh.
Timothy: What are you guys laughing at? Just listen to me for a second Raven. . .
Raven: Bitch, how many times I gots to tell you, it’s Ray, playa!
Timothy: Right, Ray, Jose. . .
Jose: Vatto, it’s pronounced Joe C!
Timothy: Right, sorry. Anyways, I was thinking after football practice tonight, we could all get together at my place for a study group!
Timothy puts his arms around their shoulders. Raven and Jose scoot away uncomfortably.
Timothy: Oh, what is it?
Jose: Timothy man, you’re kinda loco, buddy.
Raven: Yeah. A real conformist.
Timothy: Come on, all I meant was we could help each other with the subjects we’re weak on. . .
Pierre walks in with a flourish. Despite the nature of this skit, his French accent and lofty attitude must be preserved.
Pierre: Bah! I tell you, we do not need such silly study groups! I spit on such an idea! Merde de Dieu, all you need is a cunning battle plan!
Timothy: Oh, and I suppose you have one?
Pierre: In spades! Sacre bleu, I never fail! I attack my homework like Napoleon attacked at Waterloo!
Raven: Ignorant little plebeian, Napoleon lost at Waterloo.
Pierre: How dare you! An insult upon my honor! I will skin you alive and use your skull as a bidet! Je futera ta gras mere comme la vache elle est!
Jose: Now you’re fighting dirty, holmes!
Raven: I’ve told you before, don’t insult my mother!
Raven lunges to punch Pierre, who effortlessly catches his arm, twists it, and locks it in a judo hold.
Pierre: Say it, swine! Say it!
Raven: Ow, fuck! I give up, you little cheese-eating surrender monkey!
Pierre twists Raven’s arm harder and straddles him, forcing him down to the ground.
Timothy: Whoa, break it up, you guys look like faggots!
Pierre: Tais-toi! Just because I am French does not make me gay!
Raven: And I’m just dark inside.
Jose: Yeah vatto, dark like the space between your ears, holmes.
Raven: Hey! I’m one step closer to the edge, and I’m’ll stab your white ass!
Jose: What the fuck, esse! I gots Hispanic pride, bitch! Heil Hitler and shit like that!
Timothy: Alright, everyone just stop arguing, forget I said anything.
Raven: Naw, dawg! I ain’t gonna forget nothin’! That last crack cut me worse than my last botched scarification!
Pierre: And you have insulted my nation’s honor for the last time! Merde d’un canard, dans le nom de Dieu, aide-moi Saint Jeanne! I’ll kill you!
Jose: Yeah, I should cut you up, man!
Timothy: What did I do to you, Jose?
Jose: Damn it, it’s Joe C!
Jose rears back to punch Timothy. Timothy brings his arm back and tries to punch Jose. It comes out as a weak, limp-wristed slap to Jose’s shoulder. Raven, Jose and Pierre stare in disbelief at Timothy for several seconds. They then laugh and retire to their seats for lunch, still laughing except for Timothy.
Timothy: Guys, seriously, what’s up? It wasn’t that girly, was it? Come on, I think my punches are getting better, don’t you?
Alyssa slowly enters onstage. She looks around and sees the four guys sitting down at lunch.
Alyssa: Hello, my name’s Alyssa. I just moved here. It’s nice to meet all of you!
Raven, Jose, Timothy and Pierre all look at her expectantly. Alyssa waves nervously.
Jose: And what exactly are you?
The scene ends with an uncomfortable stare down between each side.
Performed by Troy Iverson, Luke Webber, Ryan Soberg, Aubrey Miller, Missy Buser.
Performed by Matt Perry, Troy Iverson, Aubrey Miller, Joe Schermann, Megan Garvey.
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