copyright © 2004 Matt Perry

Monkey Death Car!!!!!

(The scene opens with three monkeys sitting in a car; Bingo in the backseat behind the driver, Mordecai in the passenger’s seat, and in the driver’s seat is Constable Chimp, hereafter to be called C.C. They have just escaped from an experimental laboratory, and are hyper-intelligent.)

Mordecai: See, all I’m really trying to say is that if the humans had really wished to contain us, they wouldn’t have made escape so easy for us.

C.C.: Oh, come off it, Mordecai! We’re finally free.

Mordecai: Yes, but at what cost?

C.C.: Dude, you are one simian party pooper. Those scientists didn’t know how smart we had gotten. It was in our duty to bludgeon them to death with bananas.

Bingo: Bananas? I could go for bananas right now! Can I have a banana?

Mordecai: We have no bananas, Bingo.

Bingo: Poop. Well, does Constable Chimp have any bananas?

C.C.: No, I have no bananas for you, Bingo.

Bingo: Poop. Well, does Mordecai have any bananas?

Mordecai: What were you saying about being intelligent, C.C.?

(The car rocks. Each monkey bumps in his seat.)

Bingo: Five points!

C.C.: Mordecai, listen to me. There’s no cause for alarm. Once we find a forest, we can ditch the car and go it on foot. No one will ever tell the difference between normal monkeys and us super-intelligent monkeys.

Mordecai: Your plan would be great, C.C., if not for the fact that we’re currently in Arizona. How many monkeys of any sort are found in Arizona?

C.C.: Take it easy, buddy! Listen, soon we’ll be in Mexico, they’ve got plenty of monkeys in Mexico!

Mordecai: Now you listen to me, Constable Chimp! You may have studied with Jane Goodall, but I’ve still got the overall highest I.Q. in this group. How do you plan to cross the border into Mexico?

(Again the car rocks and the monkeys are jostled. Bingo is excited.)

Bingo: Two points!

C.C.: Nobody’s going to detain three monkeys crossing the border on foot, alright? They’ll just think that global warming is in effect, or whatever a bunch of border guards think about when they see monkeys.

Bingo: When I think about monkeys, I think about sexy! Wait, no, cake. Wait, no, sexy cake! Yeah, monkeys make sexy cake!

Mordecai: And do you think of sex when you see humans, Bingo?

Bingo: I’m not so sure. . . Wait, yes I do!

Mordecai: How can you think about them like that, Bingo?

C.C.: Well, why can’t he? I do.

Mordecai: You too, C.C.?

C.C.: Yeah. Come on, our DNA is 98% similar, it can’t be THAT wrong.

Mordecai: It’s still kind of weird, don’t you think?

C.C.: Oh come on, you can’t tell me that you don’t find some humans attractive!

Mordecai: Some, but I can never tell the difference between the males and the females.

C.C.: Oh, I’ve got no problem with that anymore.

Mordecai: Oh you don’t, huh?

C.C.: No, I’ve done my research. Distinguishing between the human sexes is no obstacle for me.

(The car jolts again, the monkeys are tossed high in the air. Mordecai and C.C. are flustered; Bingo thinks it is a fun ride.)

Bingo: Five, ten, fifteen points! If points were dollars, I bet you could buy a puppy!

Mordecai: Research, huh? What kind of research have you done?

C.C.: Oh, all sorts. . . (C.C. smirks as best a monkey can.)

Mordecai: C.C., just because you studied with Dr. Goodall, you think you’ve got the rights to talk about any subject you feel like. Sometimes, that’s all you need, but I don’t think being studied by Dr. Goodall gives you the knowledge to discuss human sexuality.

C.C.: (C.C. turns to Mordecai grinning, and brags) Oh, I do believe it does!

Mordecai: C.C.!

Bingo: Ha-ha! Monkey pimp! Monkey pimp! Constable Chimp is a monkey pimp!

C.C.: Well? She was picking the lice out of my fur, and one thing led to another. . .

Mordecai: I don’t want to hear any more of this!

C.C.: Suit yourself.

(The car rocks violently. The monkeys are tossed into the air again.)

Bingo: I remember its two points for kids, but how much are puppies, again?

C.C.: Bingo, you’ve been playing the game by yourself for the past two hours, making up random points for each object on the spot and bestowing them at will.

Bingo: (Hurt.) Oh. Well then, I gave myself two billion points!

C.C.: Yes, you do that.

Mordecai: C.C.? What’s it like?

C.C.: You mean human females? I thought you didn’t want to hear any more.

Mordecai: Well, I was always supposed to be the intelligent one, and now I find there’s this whole area of expertise that you know everything about, and I’m completely clueless. I guess I would like to know a little about it. . .

C.C.: Tell you what; when we reach Acapulco, we’ll go out on the town and I’ll show you the way to everything your little mind desires!

Mordecai: Really?

C.C.: Really, really!

Mordecai: Constable Chimp, you are the best friend a hyper-intelligent primate on the run from his creators could hope for!

C.C.: We have to stick together, man.

Bingo: Ooh, pretty! Whoosh and it’s the blue! Whoosh and it’s the red! Whoosh and it’s the blue again! I never get tired of this!

Mordecai: What are you babbling about now, Bingo?

Bingo: There’s all these cars chasing after us, and they have these neat flashy things that are blue! Wait, now they’re red, no they’re blue now. . . Waugh, they’re moving too fast! I can’t keep up! I want my mommy!

Mordecai: Oh dear, human police forces! Bingo, how long have they been back there?

Bingo: Well, I’m no good at telling time, but if I had to venture a guess, I’d say it’s been since Pantsless O’clock.

C.C.: Mordecai, you’re the smart one here! What do we do?

Mordecai: Pull over.

C.C.: And now?

Mordecai: Just wait. Bingo? What do you see in the back seats of the car?

Bingo: Hmm. . . Well, there’s a hat!

Mordecai: Good job, Bingo! Good work finding the hat! Now put the hat on, please.

Bingo: Yay! Monkey in a hat! Monkey in a hat!

Mordecai: Now Bingo, the nice men behind us have bananas for you, but they want to play tag with you first. So if you run out of this car and head into the desert and make sure all the men are running behind you, you’ll get a nice banana!

Bingo: And a cake?

Mordecai: A sexy cake!

Bingo: And a puppy?

Mordecai: Yes, now run along Bingo!

Bingo: Hooray! Monkey tag! I’m going to win! (He runs out of the car. Mordecai and C.C. watch on anxiously for a minute until they see that all the police officers are chasing after Bingo.)

Mordecai: They’ve taken the bait, C.C. Now we can drive away safely.

C.C.: Good plan, Mordecai. And we really must remember to thank Bingo for this when we meet up next. Wait, no, scratch that. They’ve shot him, the poor dear.

Mordecai: Yes, well, they always say that you need to break a few eggs to make an omelet.

C.C.: I could go for an omelet. I hope they have those in Acapulco.

Mordecai: They’ve got everything in Acapulco, my friend. They’ve got everything.

(The car rocks slightly. C.C. and Mordecai look at each other for a second.)

C.C.: There’s something missing. . .

Mordecai: I guess there’s only one option left. . .

Both: Five points!



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