Monkey Death Car!!!!!
(The scene opens with three monkeys sitting in a car; Bingo in the backseat behind the driver, Mordecai in the passengers seat, and in the drivers seat is Constable Chimp, hereafter to be called C.C. They have just escaped from an experimental laboratory, and are hyper-intelligent.)
Mordecai: See, all Im really trying to say is that if the humans had really wished to contain us, they wouldnt have made escape so easy for us.
C.C.: Oh, come off it, Mordecai! Were finally free.
Mordecai: Yes, but at what cost?
C.C.: Dude, you are one simian party pooper. Those scientists didnt know how smart we had gotten. It was in our duty to bludgeon them to death with bananas.
Bingo: Bananas? I could go for bananas right now! Can I have a banana?
Mordecai: We have no bananas, Bingo.
Bingo: Poop. Well, does Constable Chimp have any bananas?
C.C.: No, I have no bananas for you, Bingo.
Bingo: Poop. Well, does Mordecai have any bananas?
Mordecai: What were you saying about being intelligent, C.C.?
(The car rocks. Each monkey bumps in his seat.)
Bingo: Five points!
C.C.: Mordecai, listen to me. Theres no cause for alarm. Once we find a forest, we can ditch the car and go it on foot. No one will ever tell the difference between normal monkeys and us super-intelligent monkeys.
Mordecai: Your plan would be great, C.C., if not for the fact that were currently in Arizona. How many monkeys of any sort are found in Arizona?
C.C.: Take it easy, buddy! Listen, soon well be in Mexico, theyve got plenty of monkeys in Mexico!
Mordecai: Now you listen to me, Constable Chimp! You may have studied with Jane Goodall, but Ive still got the overall highest I.Q. in this group. How do you plan to cross the border into Mexico?
(Again the car rocks and the monkeys are jostled. Bingo is excited.)
Bingo: Two points!
C.C.: Nobodys going to detain three monkeys crossing the border on foot, alright? Theyll just think that global warming is in effect, or whatever a bunch of border guards think about when they see monkeys.
Bingo: When I think about monkeys, I think about sexy! Wait, no, cake. Wait, no, sexy cake! Yeah, monkeys make sexy cake!
Mordecai: And do you think of sex when you see humans, Bingo?
Bingo: Im not so sure. . . Wait, yes I do!
Mordecai: How can you think about them like that, Bingo?
C.C.: Well, why cant he? I do.
Mordecai: You too, C.C.?
C.C.: Yeah. Come on, our DNA is 98% similar, it cant be THAT wrong.
Mordecai: Its still kind of weird, dont you think?
C.C.: Oh come on, you cant tell me that you dont find some humans attractive!
Mordecai: Some, but I can never tell the difference between the males and the females.
C.C.: Oh, Ive got no problem with that anymore.
Mordecai: Oh you dont, huh?
C.C.: No, Ive done my research. Distinguishing between the human sexes is no obstacle for me.
(The car jolts again, the monkeys are tossed high in the air. Mordecai and C.C. are flustered; Bingo thinks it is a fun ride.)
Bingo: Five, ten, fifteen points! If points were dollars, I bet you could buy a puppy!
Mordecai: Research, huh? What kind of research have you done?
C.C.: Oh, all sorts. . . (C.C. smirks as best a monkey can.)
Mordecai: C.C., just because you studied with Dr. Goodall, you think youve got the rights to talk about any subject you feel like. Sometimes, thats all you need, but I dont think being studied by Dr. Goodall gives you the knowledge to discuss human sexuality.
C.C.: (C.C. turns to Mordecai grinning, and brags) Oh, I do believe it does!
Bingo: Ha-ha! Monkey pimp! Monkey pimp! Constable Chimp is a monkey pimp!
C.C.: Well? She was picking the lice out of my fur, and one thing led to another. . .
Mordecai: I dont want to hear any more of this!
C.C.: Suit yourself.
(The car rocks violently. The monkeys are tossed into the air again.)
Bingo: I remember its two points for kids, but how much are puppies, again?
C.C.: Bingo, youve been playing the game by yourself for the past two hours, making up random points for each object on the spot and bestowing them at will.
Bingo: (Hurt.) Oh. Well then, I gave myself two billion points!
C.C.: Yes, you do that.
Mordecai: C.C.? Whats it like?
C.C.: You mean human females? I thought you didnt want to hear any more.
Mordecai: Well, I was always supposed to be the intelligent one, and now I find theres this whole area of expertise that you know everything about, and Im completely clueless. I guess I would like to know a little about it. . .
C.C.: Tell you what; when we reach Acapulco, well go out on the town and Ill show you the way to everything your little mind desires!
C.C.: Really, really!
Mordecai: Constable Chimp, you are the best friend a hyper-intelligent primate on the run from his creators could hope for!
C.C.: We have to stick together, man.
Bingo: Ooh, pretty! Whoosh and its the blue! Whoosh and its the red! Whoosh and its the blue again! I never get tired of this!
Mordecai: What are you babbling about now, Bingo?
Bingo: Theres all these cars chasing after us, and they have these neat flashy things that are blue! Wait, now theyre red, no theyre blue now. . . Waugh, theyre moving too fast! I cant keep up! I want my mommy!
Mordecai: Oh dear, human police forces! Bingo, how long have they been back there?
Bingo: Well, Im no good at telling time, but if I had to venture a guess, Id say its been since Pantsless Oclock.
C.C.: Mordecai, youre the smart one here! What do we do?
Mordecai: Pull over.
C.C.: And now?
Mordecai: Just wait. Bingo? What do you see in the back seats of the car?
Bingo: Hmm. . . Well, theres a hat!
Mordecai: Good job, Bingo! Good work finding the hat! Now put the hat on, please.
Bingo: Yay! Monkey in a hat! Monkey in a hat!
Mordecai: Now Bingo, the nice men behind us have bananas for you, but they want to play tag with you first. So if you run out of this car and head into the desert and make sure all the men are running behind you, youll get a nice banana!
Bingo: And a cake?
Mordecai: A sexy cake!
Bingo: And a puppy?
Mordecai: Yes, now run along Bingo!
Bingo: Hooray! Monkey tag! Im going to win! (He runs out of the car. Mordecai and C.C. watch on anxiously for a minute until they see that all the police officers are chasing after Bingo.)
Mordecai: Theyve taken the bait, C.C. Now we can drive away safely.
C.C.: Good plan, Mordecai. And we really must remember to thank Bingo for this when we meet up next. Wait, no, scratch that. Theyve shot him, the poor dear.
Mordecai: Yes, well, they always say that you need to break a few eggs to make an omelet.
C.C.: I could go for an omelet. I hope they have those in Acapulco.
Mordecai: Theyve got everything in Acapulco, my friend. Theyve got everything.
(The car rocks slightly. C.C. and Mordecai look at each other for a second.)
C.C.: Theres something missing. . .
Mordecai: I guess theres only one option left. . .
Both: Five points!
Performed by Matt Perry, Luke Webber and Troy Iverson