LUKE

Hey Dave!

DAVE

What are you?

LUKE

I am a fairy.

DAVE

I am beer.

LUKE

No, Dave. You are Dave. You have been drinking very, very heavily, and I am 
here to show you about your life.

DAVE

I also eat children.

LUKE

I know this. I know everything. First there was that blind kid, Johnny 
Callinger. Then Gail Raputski, the girl with big bones. I want to lead you 
out of this.

DAVE

Did I mention that I have a staple gun? I also have a drill and screws.

LUKE

Dave, if you are trying to threaten me, I assure there is little point. I am 
a fairy. You cannot kill me. I'm here to help.

DAVE

If its help you want, then its help I got. We'll fix you up and go to the 
bar afterward.

LUKE

Shit, don't tease me. I'm a goddam fairy, I can't get drunk! You really 
think if I could drink I'd stay here talking to assholes like you?

DAVE

Are you one of those fairies that can do the limbo? If so, then I think you 
can break the rules. Lets get drunk and limbo!

LUKE

Listen, I have a story to tell you. The last person I helped was Tony Danza, 
you might have heard of him. First-rate actor, but kept getting typecast as 
chartacters named Tony. Now look at him today! He's in some some new fuckin 
terrible show, but his name sure as hell isnt Tony! You need to trust me. Do 
you believe in me?

DAVE

Does a bear shit in the woods? I believe in my senses and they tell me you 
are real. But how can you really be there if you are a fairy? Fairies don't 
exist, Or do they? Am I dreaming? Are you God? Do you have 
gender-differentiating genitals?

LUKE

I have more genitals than you could possibly imagine. Now I need to hear you 
say it. Do you trust me?

DAVE

Well, okay. What is thy bidding?

LUKE

Bend over. I SAID NOW!!!

DAVE (bends over)

Is this far enough?

LUKE

Oh, I'm going to heal you all right. Now, I'm going to count to three, and 
when I say three, take a deep breath and let it out slowly. One (unzips 
fly)...Two...Three!!

(Dave takes breath, Luke does doodley-doo gestures and sound effect and 
disappears. Dave wakes up shuddering.)

DAVE

Huh? Where am I? Mom? Oh, I'm here. What a dream...but it all seemed so 
real. (pulls two beer bottles out of his pockets) You were there, and you 
were there too! Hey, little guys! And that fairy! Oh, beer, there's no place 
like home. There's no place like home!

• September 7, 2001 - No Shame Cedar Falls
  

  performed by Dave Oline and Luke Pingel.

[Back to Library]