copyright © 1999 by Christopher Okiishi

The Family That Preys Together, Stays Together

By Christopher Okiishi

358-9553

 

(Lights up. Son, a teenager, is sleeping on table, which is really his bed, but we can't bring that to No Shame, so we're stuck with the table. Mom enters. She is perky and sunshine-y in that sitcom/stereotypically Mom way.)

Mom: Wake up, sleepy head! Time for church!

Son: Ah, Mom! Do I have to?

Mom: What a silly question! Of course you don't have to! You GET to! Worshipping is a privilege, not an obligation. So, get up, lazy bones.

Son: Just a few more minutes, Mom…

Mom: Honey, it's nearly midnight! We don't have a few more minutes if we're going to make it to the cemetery on time! Oh, and are you going to wear that new cloak I crocheted for you? It's getting chillier, and I don't think your summer one will be warm enough.

Son: Ah, Mom. C'mon. A crocheted cloak and hood? The other kids will laugh at me.

Mom: Well, they won't be laughing when the get pneumonia and start hacking when they're calling the corners, will they? Besides, it took me four episodes of "Touched By an Angel" to get the pentagram in the right place, so I'll be darned if you're not wearing it.

Son: Jeez, Mom! This is so embarrassing! (Exits.)

Mom: (to audience) I'll admit I was a little confused when Tommy told us he'd found a new religion. We'd always subscribed to the usual Judeo-Christian way of life—church on most Sundays and all the major holidays. Bible study on Wednesdays. Even toyed with the idea of home-schooling during that awful Monica Lewinski thing. But Tommy wanted to be different. Call it a spiritual conversion, or teenage rebellion, but one day, he just walks in here, and announces he's become "a Wiccan." We reacted like typical parents, but when his father stopped yelling, and I came to, we realized that Tommy was serious. This was his new chosen path, and no amount of persuading, punishing or exorcising was going to get him to change his mind. So, after some soul searching, we decided, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. After all, what's really important about a religion is how it binds a family together--how it gives you common ground and a way to give values to your kids. If we have to traipse through the woods every solstice and sacrifice a few pets to have some family time, so be it! If Abraham won't come to the mountain, the mountain will go to Abraham! I'm sure there's a Wiccan saying that means the same thing, but we're new to the coven. (to offstage) Honey! Are you ready?

Son: (enters) Yes, mother.

Mom: Where's your cloak?

Son: I'll put it on in the car.

Mom: Fine. But remember, it's your turn to polish the daggers, and I'll want to see them glistening in the moonlight before we get there.

Son: God, Mom—will you lay off already?

Mom: I'm just trying to help you look your best in the circle, dear. Just because we're pagans now doesn't mean we have to get sloppy? Oh, and dear…(spit shining his face)

Son: (petulantly) What now…?

Mom: You really shouldn't say "God" like that. It's un-Wiccan.

Blackout.

"The Family That Preys Together, Stays Together" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"The Family That Preys Together, Stays Together" debuted October 1, 1999, performed by Sarah Greer and Adam Hahn.

[Back to: Library] Home