Eastern Parade

By Christopher Okiishi

September 10, 1999. 358-9553

(Lights up.)

J: Hi, I'm James Irwin.

C: And I'm Chris Okiishi.

J: I'm a frequent No Shame contributor and respected auteur of hard-hitting, yet blisteringly funny No Shame classics.

C: And so am I, only not as good. Still, James and I have a lot in common.

J: We're both viscously clever, startlingly handsome, and well liked by the masses.

C: We're both licensed motorists, enthusiastic omnivores, and classically trained musicians.

J: But there is a tie that binds us even deeper, deeper even than our mutual love of Barry Manilow. You see, though it may be hard to believe, Chris and I are both…Asian.

C: Southeast Asian, to be exact. And although our ancestors have been waging savagely masterful wars against each other far longer than most of your ancestors have had a written language, here in America, James and I are from the same place.

J: Being Asian affords us many opportunities in this great country. We can get invited to parties, one by one, as long as we squint quietly in the corner and giggle amusingly from time to time.

C: We can get good grades on the strength of our pedigree alone, and if we make grammatical errors in a term paper, we're forgiven, because of our difficulty with "the language barrier."

J: Yes, we Asians are the model minority, sitting in our modest but tastefully decorated apartments, politely respecting our elders and working calculus problems on our abacus for fun.

C: And America loves us! Heck, they even right songs for us like, " Turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so…"

J: And "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto, hash-a-moshi-moshi"

C: And who could forget "Secret…

Together: "Asian Man, Secret Asian Man"

C: Oh, did I get that wrong? That darn "language barrier."

J: But our influence is not limited to the music scene. In the nineties, Asians have exploded across the big and small screens, playing exotic criminals, exotic girlfriends, and exotic victims on shows like ER.

C: And the nice thing about employing Asians is that if they become too uppity, or demand too much money, you can replace them with other Asians and no one will notice the difference!

J: Let's demonstrate.

(Chris and James scramble their position.)

J: See! You have no idea who we are, do you?

C: You know, Chris…I mean, James…Jeez! I can't even tell us apart!

J: Scary, isn't it! But that's just all part of the wonderful world of Asia.

C: Hey James—(mutters indecipherably)

J: (responds, inserting the word, "vibrator" somewhere in the sentence.)

Both laugh.

C: Did you see what James and I just did there? We communicated in a secret "code" known only to Asians called "an Asian language."

J: Some scholars have referred to these languages as "Japanese," "Chinese" or "Korean," but it's really all just one indecipherable language.

C: And it's one all Asians learn, about the same time they learn Karate, minimalist fashion, and other ways of compensating for small penis size.

J: Speak for yourself… Anyway, I'm sure that after hearing all of this, you too are in awe of the glory that is Asian culture. Chris and I would like to bask in your adoration, but we can't, because vanity is profoundly un-Asian.

C: Instead, we will thank you, America. Thank you for letting us live in your country.

J: Thank you for speaking slowly so that we can understand you.

C: Thank you for your continued interest in exactly what part of Asia we hail from.

J: Thank you for freely encouraging us to date anyone we chose, as long as they too are Asian.

C: And most of all, thank you for buying our competitively priced but superior quality electronic and vehicular products so that one day, our collective mother country can grow strong enough to rise up in the east and crush the western infidels beneath her exotically bound feet.

J: Yes, thank you. And goodnight.

(Chris and James bow, as lights fade.)

"Eastern Parade" debuted September 17, 1999, performed by James Erwin and Chris Okiishi.

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