Herb and his Hog
By Sean Nitchmann
Oh man someday I’m gonna have a Hog. A mean machine. A fire brand pavement cutter with a V-Twin 4 barrel. A hard tail 450, low riding chopper with a K&N Air filter, re-jet carbs and custom chrome. And she’s gonna roar as I push her up to 80110. The skies will shudder and the road will quake as I slice through the horizon leaving nothing in my wake but tire tracks, a cloud of dust and the fear of God. And the locals will lock their doors and hide their daughters but I’m just riding through because I have a million miles of open road and nothing but time between me and riding every foot of it. Live free. Live to ride.
And I’m gonna have a chick back on my bitch pad with her arms wrapped tight around me and her tongue my ear yelling faster faster faster. And she’s got my name tattood on her left breast. And after a 400 mile day we’re gonna pull over in desert toss off our brain buckets and chaps and make love on my bed roll as the sun goes down. And at night we’ll hear the lone coyote off in the distance [Herb makes a coyote howl].
The next day we roll into Sturgis front and center and all the other bikers stop and stare at us the vision of gleaming leather and chrome. But don’t stare into the sun man, or your gonna get burned. And some big ass Pan head yells out “show your tit’s baby my old lady and I pull over and walk up to the guy and I’m all like “apologize for disrespecting my lady, mannd this dude’s like real big, like six foot two and ugly as sin, and his bro’s are all like “man, he’s gonna smash youd I’m all like “the bigger they are the faster they falld they’re all like “man, he tattooed himself in prison with a rusty bed spring and he once ate a live kittend I’m all like “bring it ond he takes one swing and misses and I lay him out with one upper cut square in his chest. He gets up and runs in the opposite direction and his buds are all like “we’re gonna buy you a beer, mannd we tear it up in that bar all night and when the sun comes up we go out and find a rice grinder parked around the corner and smash it to hell.
And me and my old lady get back on my bike and I fire it up and I tap the tranny in to first and gun it on out of there and back out on to the open highway.
Herb makes machine noises and mimics riding his bike.
Pizza cook brings a pizza box up to him
Yo Herb, delivery up.
I told you, call me Snake, man
Yeah, whateverke it quick this time, the customer’s are hungry and can’t wait all night.
All right, All right [towards offstage] Hey, you kids get off my Geo, I just had it detailed.
Herb walks offstage