The Voice of Authority Part II
By Sean Nitchmann
[Character is a redneck. He marches on stage and bangs at a door.]
Josephine, itís me, let me in!
Come on Josephine, let me in, Iíve got to talk to you.
I know your in there, your truckís parked right out front, answer the door.
Josephine, I just wanted to say Iím sorry. Iím real sorry for what I done.
I see the light on in your window Josephine, come on out and talk to me.
Honey, I know what I did was wrong. But baby, she didnít mean nuthiní to me. It was a momentary lapse of judgment. And besides, I wouldnít have touched her if I knew she was your cousin. Come on baby, you know how it is. I was down at Peteís having a beer, minding my own business and she came over and started talking to me and coming on to me and one thing led to another, next thing I knew we were in the back seat of her corvette in the parking lot. I think she put me in some sort of trance, put some sort of spell on me baby, cause you know I didnít mean to do you no harm.
Are you gonna come out and talk to me?
Look Josephine, I was feeling real bad about this all day. I didnít know why I did what I did. So I went down to the library and the librarian helped me out. Sheís a sweet girl, a real sweet girl, she helped me figure out why I do these things. Look I got it right here.
[Holds papers in the air and reads the next section from them]
ďIn a landmark 1952 study of male sexuality, researchers came to the conclusion that the human male is required by his physiological make-up to seek out multiple sexual partners. Most women are unable to come to terms with and are in fact resistant to this concept.Ē
Letís see, it says here ďMost men think about sex every 7.2 minutes.Ē
I was just thinking about itÖ waitÖ Iím thinking about it again.
ďManís simian counterpart, the gorilla, best exemplifies the average manís ideal cultural environment. Groups or gatherings of gorilla are called harems. In the harem there is a dominant male gorilla who acts as the predominant sexual partner to the three to twenty females in the group.Ē
Youíre always calling me your big gorilla, arenít you Josephine.
It also said ďGorilla testes weigh 30-35 g, those of a chimpanzee about 120 g. As a rule, an erect gorilla penis is only 3 cm long, whereas a chimpanzee penis reaches about 8 cm.Ē That has no relation to me, but I found that very interesting.
So you see, Josephine, you see. You canít hold this against me. Iím a product of my nature. Itís all right here. I canít help it. These are scientists, experts, this is the voice of authority.
You have to forgive me. Come on down and weíll go for a ride. Itíll be just like it was beforeÖ JosephineÖ
If you donít come down Iím gonna leave. Iím gonna leave forever. Iíll never come back. Iím going now. Do not forsake our love Josephine. What we had was righteous baby, donít throw it all away.
Shit. Useless trash.
[Character crumbles up his papers, throws them to the side and walks offstage.} Lights down