Scene by Sean Nitchmann
Harold the Secret Service Guy
Mrs. Stevens the 2nd Grade Teacher
Sammy the Uncle Sam Hand Puppet
Lights Up Ė Full Stage Lights
Secret Service guy is dressed in nondescript black jacket and tie, has mirrored sunglasses an earphone and carries a briefcase. He walks on stage and takes some time to scan the audience, listen to his earphone, talk in to his lapel, etc. Build up the anticipation and recognition that this is a Secret Service guy. He then sets up his briefcase, scans the audience one last time, reaches in his case and removes his hand with Sammy the Uncle Sam Hand Puppet on. He speaks in a falsetto when saying Sammyís part.
Secret Service Guy
Hey kids, itís me, your old pal Uncle Sammy.
And this is my friend Harold. (Secret Service guy nods to the audience and says ďchildrenĒ in his regular voice) Haroldís with the Secret Service. Your principle Mr. Lipskin has allowed us to come and talk to you today because the president George W Bush is coming to visit your school tomorrow. Yeahhhhhh!!! As you know. The president is a very important man and he doesnít visit just any school, he only visitís schools that he thinks are super special just like this one.
The president asked me to tell you about some very important things you can and cannot do while he is here. Remember there will be lots of reporters and theyíll be taking pictures and asking you questions. Reporters are very tricky. They try to make the president look bad. That makes Uncle Sammy sad. Do not talk to the reporters. Other kids in other schools talked to the reporters and said things the president didnít like. Do not talk to the reporters.
Do not touch the president. The president does not like to be touched by kids. The only kid whoís allowed to touch the president is Melissa Thornbuckle who will sit on the presidentís lap while he reads to the class. Melissa is in the cafeteria being debriefed right now by our Secret Service friends.
Do not laugh at the president. If the president says something funny do not laugh, he didnít mean it to be funny and youíll hurt his feelings. He says a lot of funny things by accident.
Everyone needs to finish coloring the Axis of Evil coloring books that we brought with us. The President wants to show the reporters your pictures. Remember; do not draw rainbows or smiley faces on the picture of Saddam Hussein.
When the president tells the reporters that we must go to war, everybody needs to cheer. Yeahhhh weíre going to war Yeahhhh. Itís very important that you kids do this for the president or he will stop visiting schools and no more kids will get to meet the president. You want other kids to be visited by the president donít you?
Now, your teacher has a list of questions that you kids will ask the president when he says ďAre there any questions?Ē It is very important that you memorize those questions. They are questions about his cat, and about his horses and how good he is a playing golf. Which one of you gets to ask the president what his favorite color is?
Excuse me, I have something Iíd like to say.
Secret Service Guy
Please state your name and social security number.
My name is Mrs. Stevens, my social security number is none of your business. I am the teacher of the second grade class that the president is visiting tomorrow. We received the list of questions but my kids didnít like them. We have been studying the news and the kids have come up with a number of other questions they want to ask the president.
Suzie Johnson wants to ask the President about his misguided environmental policies. She cites his support of drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, and his refusal to comply with the Kyoto protocol to cut greenhouse gases.
Jimmy Pealson wants to ask the president about his kow-towing to big business and his inability to pull the country out of itís economic slump.
Trisha and Mindy came up with an idea they want to propose to the President. They suggest taking one tenth of the $379 billion defense budget and putting it towards research and development of renewable energy sources. Their belief is that by finding alternatives to oil consumption, the country wouldnít have as acute an interest in the Mid-East region. We could then put our resources and energies towards productive, humanitarian projects, and possibly avoid the impending military action as well as environmental disaster.†
Is the President going to answer these questions? Is he strong enough to take on my second graders?
Secret Service Guy
(Visibly shaken, he receives information on his earphone, then speaks in regular voice)
Uh, sorry children, Iíve just been informed the president will be unable to attend his scheduled meeting with you tomorrow other important matters of state have arisen.
Secret service guy leaves Ė lights down
"Hey Kids!" debuted October 18, 2002, performed by Sean Nitchmann and Jane Jones.