Real Men Watch Birds
Scene by Sean Nitchmann
Characters
Dave – Bird enthusiast, kind of nerdy.
Glenda – Invited by Dave to go bird watching, having
second thoughts.
Brad – Another bird enthusiast, trying to
out-enthuse Dave.
Lights
Medium to bright, takes place outdoors in daylight.
>>> Lights up
[Dave is looking through his binoculars at a bird in
a tree]
Dave
See it … the Passerina cyanea or Indigo
Bunting. My God! That’s a beautiful bird!
Glenda
Yeah, nice. It’s a … nice bird.
Dave
You betcha! Hey, I’m really glad you agreed to come
out here with me Glenda. You know, bird watching is just about my most favorite
thing to do. You probably gathered that from the pictures I have hanging in my
cubical at work. Did you see the picture of the Piranga olivacea? We are
standing right smack dab in its migratory path. Someone in the chat room last
night claimed to see one about fifty miles north of here. Man, what I wouldn’t
give to feast my eyes on that little beauty.
Glenda
What bird is that? Pir…anga…what?
Dave
Piranga olivacea … you know, the Scarlet Tanager. The male
grows a dashing scarlet plumage during breeding season. Quite a sight to
behold. If we catch a glimpse of one, I’m going to be in birder heaven! I’d be
so excited I’d probably molt right here in front of you!
Glenda
Right… molt.
[Brad walks on stage]
Brad
Hey, Dave. I knew you’d be perched out here.
Dave [indignant]
Oh…hi Brad.
Brad
Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend?
Dave
No, I’m not. Why don’t you flock off.
Brad [gloatingly to
Glenda]
Dave’s a little perturbed at me. You see, I was the
first to spot a Yellow-billed Cuckoo around here. We both belong to the
“Friends Of A Feather” birding club and one of my pictures of the Cuckoo won
first prize in the photo contest this year. Brad has dominated the photo
competition for years and my winning has got his beak all in a knot.
Glenda
Oh? Dave, I didn’t know you were a photographer.
Dave
I’m not really. It’s ... it’s just that I want to be
able to capture the beauty of these magnificent creatures. When I’m out here,
I’m so totally awed by the gracefulness and wonder of these feathered gifts
from God, these winged angels that inhabit the tree heavens, looking down on
us, warbling their siren songs, calling to us … [whistles] come to me
…[whistles] love me as I love you …[whistles] if only we were of the same
species…
Glenda
Um… wow…you really have a thing for birds.
Brad
He sure does. You should see his apartment. He’s got
photos all over the walls, tons of books and he plays these weird birdcall
CD’s.
Dave
Those CD’s are the official Audubon song library of
indigenous North American birds. I play
them so that I can learn to recognize their voices when I’m out here, Brad. I’m
not interested in just tromping through the woods clicking away at anything I
happen frighten into flight.
Brad
Well, I’ve got news for you Dave, I’m no nestling
myself when it comes to the knowledge of birds. [to Brenda] Besides
winning the photo competition, I also placed first in the mating dance talent
show at the Birders Convention.
Dave
Ha! That chicken strut! I thought you’re rendition
of the Sitta carolinensis … [aside to Brenda] the White-breasted
Nuthatch… was a vulgar display of an ill-informed amateur. Let me show you where
you went wrong.
[Dave acts out the motions as he speaks]
First of all, it’s sidestep, hop, dip… sidestep,
hop, dip…
Brad [Acting
out the motions]
No, I’m sorry, it’s sidestep, dip, strut… see…
strut… watch and learn my friend.
Dave
And you completely forgot about your plumage, DO NOT
FORGET YOUR PLUMAGE! [Dave shakes his tail feathers]
>>>Begin Music
[70’s porn music begins playing. Dave and Brad take
turns showing each other their mating dances in slow motion. Glenda moves in
front of them and addresses the audience. The slow motion action between Dave
and Brad continues throughout Glenda’s monologue, ending when the music stops.]
Glenda
I have to admit; I was a little intrigued at first.
There was something about their movements that … well… they really weren’t that
bad. The way Dave shook his tail feathers…
[Slight pause while Dave shakes his feathers in slow
motion]
The way Brad did his thrusting strut…
[Slight pause while Brad struts in slow motion]
I was starting to feel like this was all for me,
that these two guys were vying for my attentions with their little ritual
dances. Was it me motivating them to prance themselves into a frenzy? I
felt a little flutter of excitement… a little thrill… but then…
>>>Stop Music
[Glenda goes back into character and joins Dave and
Brad]
Dave [Looking
through binoculars]
Look at that! It’s a Centurus carolinus the
Red-bellied Woodpecker!
Glenda
[Angered]
No it’s not! It’s a pigeon! They’re all pigeons!
We’re in a park in the middle of the city! What is wrong with you guys?
[Dave and Brad are shocked]
Dave
I… I… just wanted to roost in your nest.
Glenda
No… that is not going to happen. I’m going
back to work, lunch is over!
[Glenda walks offstage, Dave and Brad watch her go.]
Dave
Hey, you want to come over tonight and watch the
Discovery channel?
Brad
Sure.
[Dave and Brad walk offstage]
>>>Lights Down
"Real Men Watch Birds" debuted September 20, 2002, performed by Sean Nitchmann, Brandon Allison and Leanne Heslin.