Visitation from Mr. Whipple

By Sean Nitchmann

 

 

 [Three people sit around a table. This is a séance. The Psychic is at the head of the table going into convulsions as he enters a trance. He starts writing feverishly, eyes rolled in the back of his head. Person 1 reads what he is writing.]

 

Lights up

 

 

Person 1: It says, “ The spirit is getting closer”

 

            [Psychic writes continues to write while Person 1 takes the paper and reads]

 

It says, “ I can feel him coming closer”

 

It says, “ He’s closer, he’s gripping me, ”

 

It says,  “He’s entering me, he want’s to speak through me”

 

It says …

 

Psychic [now in trance]: Ladies, Please don’t squeeze the Charmin.

 

Person 1: Oh my God, it’s… it’s… Mr. Whipple

 

Person 2: Who’s Mr Whipple?

 

Person 1: You know, George the Grocer. Fictitional commercial icon and representative for Charmin bathroom tissue. He was in all of their commercials from the 60’s through the 80’s. He was the grocery store manager who would run up and yell “Please don’t squeeze the Charmin” to all of the housewives who stood in the aisle in the grocery store unable to resist fondling the rolls of Charmin toilet paper.

 

Person 2: Why couldn’t they resist?

 

Person 1: I don’t know, maybe the toilet paper they had been using was exceptionally rough, so rough that they couldn’t help squeezing toilet paper on the shelves in the grocery store. 

 

Person 2: Why did this bother Mr Whipple?

 

Person 1: I don’t know, why don’t you ask him.

 

Person 2: Uh, Mr. Whipple, Why did it bother you when people squeezed the toilet paper?

 

Psychic: It didn’t bother me! I didn’t really care! I was acting in a commercial. And my name is Dick Wilson. I was just an unemployed actor cast in stupid toilet paper commercial. I needed the money. I thought it would be one lousy commercial but it just kept on going and going for 20 years. I regret the day I ever tried out for that role.

 

Person 1: Why did you keep doing it? Why didn’t you quit?

 

Psychic: I tried, but nobody would hire me. I was forever typecast as Mr Whipple. I was a trained actor. I wanted to do Shakespeare, I wanted to go to Broadway, I wanted serious roles that had meaning and depth, I wanted to be a dramedian, but nobody would hire me because they didn’t want Mr. Whipple to lower their high and mighty works of art. I finally gave up and resigned myself to being Mr. Whipple, and I hated myself for it.

 

Person 1: Well, I’m sure they paid you well. There’s no shame in making a living. Didn’t you have a family to support? Were you ever married?

 

Psychic: Yes, I was married. That bitch left me for Mr. Clean. Said he was more virile.

 

Person 2: So now you walk the spirit world because you were so tortured in life. That’s really sad.

Hey, can you contact my grandmother Edna Murphy? She died two years ago and I want to see if she has any      messages for me.

 

Psychic: I don’t talk to the other spirits. They all ridicule me.

 

Person 2: What about my uncle Joe? Does he have any messages?

 

Psychic: Yeah, sure. Uncle Joe wanted me to tell you he never liked you, leave him alone. Pay attention! I told you, I don’t communicate with anyone from the spirit world. I don’t have any messages.

 

Person 1: Whoa. Don’t get upset. You know, you have some real issues. Maybe all this is your fault. Maybe the reason you can never pass over to the other side is because you sold out in life. Instead of taking chances and pursuing your dreams, you became complacent and took the path of least resistance. If you’d have become, or at least tried to become the actor you wanted to be, you wouldn’t be so resentful and belligerent. Better to have tried and failed than to…

 

Person 2: Oh man, What the hell is that smell?!?

 

Psychic: Beware the wrath of Mr. Whipple! Do not make Mr. Whipple angry!

 

Person 2: This is too much, I’ve had enough. Wake him up from his trance.

 

Psychic: Wait, I’ll be nice.

 

Person 1: How do we wake him?

 

Psychic: No … don’t end it now … I have more to say …

 

Person 2: He said to squeeze his hand to end the session.

 

Psychic: No, no! Please… don’t squeeze the psychic …

 

Psychic: [Now out of trance] Wow, that was intense, what happened, did you make contact? What’s that smell?

 

Person 2: Believe me, you do not want to know.

 

Person 1: I’m getting a bidet.