copyright © 2002 Sean Nitchmann

Meeting of the Charlottesville Chapter of the Church of Satan

By Sean Nitchmann


Note: Originally performed with a black cape, a flashlight hanging around the performers neck illuminating his face from below and haunting music played for the first paragraph.


**** Meeting Leader comes on stage in a flurry and speaks with great flourish. He is wearing a cape and looks downright evil.


When Lucifer was cast from Heaven, He created Hell. From Hell we have risen to roam the earth vanquishing souls for our master the Dark Lord. We are the demon seed. We are the spawn of the Prince of Darkness. We are the co-conspirators of eternal damnation. We are the chosen ones sent forth to spread the word of evil. Work hard my fellow heathens for the darkest pits of Hell await us. May we all writhe in the eternal flame of the slimy bowels of the darkest pit of Satan’s lair for all eternity. Hail Satan!


I command this meeting of the Charlottesville chapter of the Church of Satan to commence. Hail Satan!


I see we have some new faces this week. Our “bring a buddy” program seems to be working. Kudos to the membership committee. People, we all need to get out there and do our part to spread Lucifer’s word. The pamphlets are coming from the printers on Tuesday and we need to canvas the law school for our spring membership drive. Remember, our power lies in numbers, “a soul a day keeps the goodness at bay.”


Thank you to Mrs. Goodfellow and Mrs Allbright for the refreshments. But ladies, I’ve had a couple of complaints and I think I speak for all of us when I say maybe it’s time for a change. Next week can you bring something in besides devilled eggs and spicy spam loaf? Maybe those little hot dogs or an artichoke dip. Let Satan’s will be done!


Now, let’s get down to business….


Throughout the ages, the chosen ones have master their powers and developed the means to cast darkness where there was light, to bring forth fire from water, to conquer the highest mountains and to stop the tides. These disciples of darkness have collected their knowledge and placed it in the Horrific Book of Evil Spells. Bring forth that book that we may once again conger the forces of darkness and unleash the demons of Hells fury.


****There is no response from the Audience. The meeting leader waits for a few seconds then speaks to Jerry.


Jerry, give me the Horrific Book of Evil Spells.


****Jerry replies


Uh, sorry evil one… I left it at home


**** Meeting leader is perturbed


Again? Dammit Jerry we can’t battle the forces of goodness if you keep forgetting the Horrific book of evil spells. Next week I command you to bring forth the book! And if this happens again, we’re going to find a new keeper of the Horrific Book of Evil Spells. Got it?


Ok, now the time has come to commune with the dark lord through the un-holy of the most un-holy of acts. The time has come for us to sacrifice a virgin! Bring forth the delicate flower for us to desecrate in the name of Lucifer!


**** No response. Meeting leader waits for a few seconds then speaks to the audience


Did any one bring in a virgin? We need virgins here. Are there any virgins in the house?


****Jerry raises his hand. Meeting leader is perturbed and speaks to Jerry.


Jerry, if we sacrifice you, how are we going to get the Horrific Book of spells back? We can’t sacrifice the keeper of the Horrific Book of Spells, can we?


Ok, Ok, … On the eve of the morrow, on the midnight hour, we shall meet in un-holy communion and we shall go forth and to the fields to sacrifice a beast of burden from the fertile land!


This time we work together, Ok? Last time we went to sacrifice a cow, you all stood around and watched as I tried to rope him. There I was trying to bring the cow down. And when he kicked me and ran off nobody did a thing. Have you ever been kicked by a cow? It really hurts! I’ll tell you, I find that cow again, I’m going to turn him in to a frog. This is a group participation thing people, and I expect all of you to pitch in and do your part.


**** Doris raises her hand. Meeting leader speaks to her.


Yes Doris.


****Doris replies.


I don’t think we should sacrifice animals, it’s cruel.


****Meeting leader is rolls his eyes and is perturbed. He replies to Doris.


Oh Jesus! …oops sorry, force of habit. Look Doris, this is a satanic cult. You can’t be concerned with the feelings of animals. Do you think our dark lord Lucifer cares about animals feelings? No, he doesn’t! All he cares about is pulling victims in to the fiery pits of hell. I’ll tell you what we’re going to do. We’re going to get a bunny and we’re going to make you cut it’s little head off and drink it’s warm blood. Is that what it’s going to take for you to get with the program? You are not the protector of the beasts, you’re Satan’s evil-doer, you’re Lucifer’s concubine… act the part!


The time has come for us to gaze upon the bare flesh of a witch, that we may draw the evil from the darkest places of our hearts to unleash upon the world! Come forth oh wicked jezebel and reveal thyself in full!


****No response. Meeting leader speaks to the audience.


Ok, this is when one of you ladies comes up here and takes your clothes off and we get to ogle and think evil thoughts… anyone?… Oh well, it’s always worth a try.


We’re going to have a short break here. Help yourselves to the refreshments. And when we come back, our guest speaker Dr Spick will talk about his new book entitled “Satan’s step dancer, how the dark lord is using Irish culture as a conduit for his evil doings”


Hail Satan!


"Meeting of the Charlottesville Chapter of the Church of Satan" debuted April 12, 2002, performed by Sean Nitchmann.

Performed at Best of No Shame on June 27 & 28, 2002.

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