WOMAN
Hmmmmm. I just do not know what to get. So many choices. (pause)
(she smiles at the man) You know, I can't believe I got up enough nerve to ask you out to dinner.
(the MAN smiles) No, really. I see you in the office and I just think how nice it would be to get
to know you. You know, you are very handsome. (the MAN looks embarrassed) I mean it!!
You just seem so quiet, I knew I would probably have to take the initiative. (pause) Anyhow,
(she looks at menu) What to eat. Hmmmmmm. Do you get a salad with the entree' I
wonder?
MAN
Duh.
WOMAN
(laughs) I guess you do. Dumb question, huh.
(enter WAITER)
WAITER
Have you decided what you would like to have this evening?
WOMAN
I can't decide. (to MAN) Go ahead and go first.
WAITER
(waits for a long time for the MAN to say something) Uhhh, may I suggest the pheasant? It is
very good this evening.
MAN
Duh.
WAITER
Duh?
MAN
Der...Der der. Duhhhh.
WAITER
Are you making fun of me, sir?
MAN
Duh duh duh der der der der der der
WAITER
Sir, I ask you to desist or I shall get the manager!
WOMAN
(to MAN) What are you doing? Quit it!
(MAN stops and looks into menu)
WOMAN
(to WAITER) I apologize. I............Well, I guess I'll have the pheasant.
MAN
Der.
WAITER
LISTEN TO ME, BUDDY!
MAN
DER DER DUH DER DUH UR UR UR DUR DER!!!
WAITER
That is it! I am going to get the manager!
(WAITER EXITS)
WOMAN
What in the hell are you doing? That's it. I'm leaving.
(MAN takes the woman's hand lovingly)
WOMAN
Well, if you promise to quit it, I'll stay.
(MAN nods)
WOMAN
You promise? (MAN crosses his heart) Okay. Just apologize to the manager, and then we can
order.
(enter MANAGER and WAITER)
MANAGER
Sir, I was informed by one of my wait staff that you were making him uncomfortable. Is this
true?
(long pause)
WOMAN
(under her breath) Tell him!
MANAGER
Sir? Is this true, because if it is not I---
MAN
DER DUH DER DUH DUH DER DUH HDUH UHUHUHUH DER DER
WAITER
That is what he did to me!! See! See!
(MAN SHOULD CONTINUE DOING DERS AND DUHS all over the place until noted)
MANAGER
YOU HAVE INSULTED ME, SIR, AND IN MY RESTAURANT!! THIS RESTAURANT IS
NOW CURSED FOR ME, SIR!! But you, you bug of a man, shall not get away with this!!
(MANAGER pulls out a knife)
WOMAN
(to MAN) I am going home!! NOW!!
(MANAGER ATTACKS MAN AND STABS HIM A BUNCH. MAN stops DERRing)
WAITER
(to MANAGER) Radolfo!! You've gone mad!!!
MANAGER
HAAAAAA HAAAAA HAAAA (MANAGER runs off)
(WOMAN and WAITER go to MAN. MAN lies gasping for air)
WOMAN
Oh, oh my good lord.
WAITER
(goes to MAN) It does not look good. (to MAN) Sir, you are going to die.
(long pause)
MAN
DER!!
(MAN dies. BLACKOUT)
end,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,
"UH DERR!" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED,
TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION
OF THE AUTHOR
"UH DERR!" debuted in March of 1992 (around there).Performed again at Best of No Shame on May 1, 1992.
And as part of FOSSILS on May 9, 1992.
Library]
