The Best
by Brett Neveu

copyright © 1991

      AA
And now the moment you have all been waiting for! The crem de la crem! The brightest, the biggest, the bestest! To recap the finalists, we will give you a glimpse of each of them. The first candidate is, "Knuckle Sandwhich!"

(enter BB and CC)

      BB
Give me a million dollars!

      CC
No way!!

      BB
And why not?

      CC
Cuz of a knuckle sandwhich, that's why not!

      BB
Yipe!

(BB and CC exit)

      AA
Breathtaking work!! (pause) Our next finalist is, "Ponder Water".......

(enter DD)

      DD
Oh how I love to dance in the open seas with the light fancied upon my brow with a wisp of air as a scent in my hair.......Really, I do.

(exit DD)

      AA
Turbulant!! (pause) Our next contestant is, "WhatdidIdo?"

(enter BB and DD. They talk very fast.)

      BB
Gimme gimme gimme

      DD
I strike you down

      BB
You strike?

      DD
I strike.

      BB
Oh yeah?

      DD
Yeah, you good for nuthin!!

      BB
What did I do?

      DD
Konk! (on BB's head)

(BB and DD exit)

      AA
And our last one is, "AHHHHHHH!".

(enter BB, DD, and CC)

     BB, CC, and DD
(they just be loud and make weird movements and faces for awhile, until they all fall on the floor dead)

      AA
And the winner of THE BEST is...........................the person who can be the silliest.

     BB, CC, and DD
YES!!!

(BB, CC, and DD. try to outsilly each other, one at a time.)

(AA gives the award to the silliest person.)

(whomever looses, leaves.)

(whoever wins says this:)

Thank you! Thank you! I never thought I would be chosen to be the best. I have trained to be the best all of my life, and now, tonight, I was chosen the best out of people who were not the best. I am the best and I thank you.

(he hugs people in line then walks off saying WOO real loud)

      AA
THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!

(AA leaves)

"The Best" was performed by the group SUBVERSION in the lobby before NO SHAME, for the line leading to Theater B on December 13, 1991.

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