The Sketeeoooos
by Brett Neveu
AA
(sits on floor looking at can of Spagehettioooos.) (pause as AA looks) Look! See! See me!!
Seeeeee Meeeeeeee! They eyes are upon me now! They are staring at me. Look into the can
and spell me out. Spell me onto the cheesy cheese whipping around licking with tounge-tearing
shreads of me---lashing lashes of my flesh into that can. Cheesy sked-ooooies eyes looking
twirling at me harnessing my brain in a cell of metal can shaped circularity. Spagehettiooo man
with hypnotic powers. The power of suggestion suggesting me to take up arms against the
world!!!!!!!!!! Arms against the cold eyes upon it. Swirling Twirling Churling wiping out wiping
out. I will travel to test my powers on others. I hope it works.
(AA travels cautiously to where BB and CC are, and when gets there, waits
for her entrance.)
(this scene between BB and CC should be happening at the end of the line
while the above monologue happens....)
BB
So you say So you say So you say
CC
And I do
BB
Utter crap!! Insolent crap!! Meaning nothing!!
CC
So you say! Hah! Listen to this!
BB
I listen, but will not listen!!
CC
You can not hear for your heart is ice!
BB
My heart is ice? Mine? You are a dog!!
CC
Heart that is bitter and fragile!
BB
I'll give you fragile!
CC
Oh yeah? Unyielding fool!
BB
Hairy swine!!!
(BB and CC get into a knock down drag out fight)
(enter scene AA with Sketeeoos behind back)
(BB and CC stop in mid fight)
BB
Who are you?
CC
What business of this is yours?
AA
I............uh............
(AA holds out can of Sketeeoos like a cross to a vampire)
BB
Ha ha ha!! What is this? Some pitiful offering of cheap canned food?
You are a buffoon!! Leave us be!
CC
Yes, I............ (CC takes out his own Sketeeoo can) Ha HA!
(AA weakens, and CC grabs her by the arm and shuffles her off to where
she was before)
BB
(in same spot) What is this? Needful power? Some sort of strange cult? A badge perhaps?
Magic? All I know is this. That that was no single regular can of O's. It had some sort of way
about it. Something in it's eyes. The pasta eyes. A hypnotic power---the power of suggestion.
To suggest a thought.........Or just to weaken others. Think! I must think!! If I get all of these
cans, all two of them, then I believe I will rule the universe! Nothing will be beyond my power!
Yes! Yes! I will find them, my brother and the witch, but I will use an element of surprise!
Shhhhhhhhhh.........
(the next scene should have happened during the above monologue, just as
earlier.)
CC
(throws AA to the floor) Where did you find it? Where? Where? Answer
me you slob!
AA
I........I.......at the market.
BB
(to himself) Yes.........Yes. Of course. At the market. (to AA) Give it to me!!
AA
You can not have it! I will defend it until I die!!
CC
NO! The POWER OF THE O'S WILL BE MINE!!!!!!!!!!!
(CC attacks AA, and AA bashes him in the head with the can. CC gives a blood curdling
scream and dies with many convulsions.)
(AA watches CC die, and when CC is dead, AA takes CC's can of Sketeeoos.)
(enter BB into scene)
BB
Hey give me those cans!
AA
No! I understand now. Together these hold enough hypnotic power to control the
universe!!
BB
You!! You killed my brother!! How could you? See! The O's made you do this!!
They have power, yes, but it is the power of evil!!
AA
YES AND I FEEL IT LOW THROUGH MY BONES!!!!!
BB
I will have this power!! I want it!
AA
no. YOU WILL DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(AA holds cans out towards BB, and BB screams like he was hit by a giant blast. BB is
blown all the way to where he once was.)
BB
(dying) She killed my brother! She has murdered me! I wished for power, the power of the
Cheesy Spagehittioos, and it in turn destroyed my life and my relatives. (Gasps) Fear for your
lives.....All of you......for the universe is now under the control of the eyes of the
Spagehettiooos.......and they are from the hellfire themselves.
(BB dies and floats off like a ghost)
(the next scene should happen during the above monologue)
AA
CHEESY BLUR OF NOODLE RAYS OF CIRCLE PASTA! My life has become
this!................Controled by the cans, I weaken. Weaken into the form I once was...........the
desperate form of a human dreaming of the possibilities. The power of two cans........Perhaps
even two cans sitting on your shelf at home....The idea that hypnotized in one night you control
the universe. No longer depressed, alone, watching Headline News over and over and
over......Control over the sky.....Everything. (pause) I think I just need a vacation.
(AA walks off.)
END
"The Sketeeoooos" was performed by the group SUBVERSION in the lobby before NO SHAME, for the line leading to Theater B on December 6, 1991.
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