SCG: (SCG holds binoculars.) I know the beat of this complex, when to expect the grannies and when to be on alert for the goldmines. And so it is with the ears and eyes of a spy that I keep an eye out from my bedroom window. A man has to be ready when luck looks his way. He has to know from the outside if the inside will be worthwhile. If it’s not going to be good, I mean, why bother?

I have enough experience to know the subtle cues–bulges in all the right places, a glimpse through sheer material that lets you see that baby’s packin’. And here she comes–with a screech of the door, and a clang of a gate, comes the plodding and sighing of one carrying out what was once so useful and has since become so useless. Now that’s a buxom beauty. Look at her fullness, the way she bounces as she moves. It’s almost criminal, such valuable goods in such tight packaging.

AUDREY: (Discards stuffed toys, trash bag) 1^st date, 2^nd date, good riddance.

SCG: And now, I strike. (Tiptoes towards woman) Steadily but stealthily I make it out, all the time ears perked, eyes darting until I’m there. She’s been left behind, wounded and unwanted, and so I stalk her. Don’t want to throw her off, surprise her. Just be smooth, man. Be cool. Ease into it. Hello, there. Do you mind if I…? (Woman shakes her head no, indicates to trash.) Oh, I hoped you wouldn’t. (Woman exits.)

After items have been removed of their former duties, I must get to them before any barriers are put up. The weight of baggage, for example, can ruin a good heist. Timing, striking when the moment is right, it’s key. Used or no–and really, aren’t we all recycled material anyway–I long to know the treasures inside. And so I do what I was put here to do, fulfill my basic needs.

But quickly, someone is coming. (Whistles, pretends he’s not looking while something gets laid on bag)

AUDREY: You might as well have this too. (SCG nods, but has no interest and turns away once she’s gone.)

SCG: What do I say to you, sweet one, now that the moment has come to find out what you’re really all about? And so I will be kind with you, a gentle grazing down the bag, release the twist, and then go in. By heart I know how to search the contents and find the important goods. Nice can. Very, very nice. And my, you have so much to give, so much for me to take! And there! There! (Laughs) You are all spent. I’ve taken every morsel of goodness, all mine. Huh, I’m glowing. Thank you. Thank you so much. Goodbye, sweet trash. I’ll call you. (MOUTHS) Not really.

(LIGHTS DOWN)

• January 16, 2004 - No Shame Los Angeles
  

  Performed by Dave Busch and Cadry Nelson
  

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