copyright © 2002 Lee Moyer


By Lee Moyer

Written 3/4/02

Performed 3/22/02


Guard 1 (Jane Jones) Surly. Disgusted by Evan. No time for small talk.

Guard 2 (Mark Valhovic) Rough. Hates Evan’s guts. No time for small talk.

Evan Mould (Todd Ristau), A prisoner. Principled and supercilious, mid-thirties, southern accent. Sarcastic; sneers, rolls eyes, etc.

Dan Bailey (Lee Moyer), state prosecutor, mid-thirties , grave. An old friend of the Mould family. Has a manila folder with papers that he shuffles through nervously. Avoids eye contact.


A windowless conference room in a Southern prison. One table front & center with 2 chairs. Dan’s briefcase sits beside the table.

Lights up on Dan sitting at table, thinking...

Door opens and the 2 guards escort Evan in.


Guard 1: (to Dan) Here’s the defendant you ordered sir....

Guard 2: (to Evan) Enjoy your visit, you little goat fucker.

Guards exit and shut door hard behind them.

Dan rises, briefly considers shaking Evan’s hand. Doesn’t. Dan sits back down.

Evan: Nice to see you too Dan. You wouldn’t want those guards thinking we grew up together or anything would you?

Evan sits down

Dan: Look, I’m not here as your friend Evan. I’m here off the record- To see if we can’t diffuse this… this situation.

If not, I’ll be prosecuting you tomorrow. I’m not looking forward to that any more than you are…

Evan: But Dan, I am looking forward to it. I’ve been looking forward to it ever since they picked me up. I’ve got nothing to hide, man. You ought to know that. It’s not like I plan to wear a bulletproof vest for the rest of my life. The sooner this kangaroo court is done a-hopping, the better for everyone…

Dan: I’m sorry about the guards just now. That’s just unprofessional…

Evan: He’s just pissed about what he thinks I did with his sister… No big deal. He’s the least of my problems now, believe me...

I’ve had death threats coming every day in the mail.

Did you hear about the bomb they planted in my car? There are some crazy ass redneck fools in this town Dan …and they all want me dead.


Dan: OK. You want to tell me about it?

Evan: About what?

Dan: About what you’ve done…

Evan: What I’ve done!?! I haven’t done a God damned thing Dan. It ain’t exactly a sin of commission we’re talking about here. You and the DA gonna throw the book at me for a little littering?

Dan: (disbelieving) Littering? A little littering!?! Come on Evan, I think we both know better than that. Don’t we?

Evan: You’re right. It’s not even littering, cause it’s my damn property to begin with.

And it’s all biodegradable- All of it. That’s nature’s plan, Dan.

Funny what you forget when you go off to Tulane. Too much law, too little sense.

Dan: Surely even you understand all the fraud charges. There are four hundred and nineteen of them so far…

Evan: Don’t talk to me about fraud Dan. In this blessed state of ours, every corpse gets a coffin, even those bound for cremation. That’s the real death tax. Death and Taxes, together again…

You ever hear a coffin salesman tell the truth?

You ever hear them talk about the need to air out a corpse?

About how the methane builds up otherwise?

About how those fancy silver airtight coffins explode?

You ever hear them talking about how to dress the dead?

About the all that waste?


You ever see a mortician at work?

All that wax, all those needles, the toupees, the make up?

It’s like being backstage in Vegas with Wayne Newton.

Morticians are God damn magicians at making the money of the bereaved disappear. Into thin and rotting air.

Are you gonna sit there and tell me you never knew about the family business? All those meals together. All the times you complimented my mama’s prize winning roses. All the times you borrowed my old man’s suits?

You just weren’t paying attention Dan.

You thought my family was just a bunch of hippie dreamers…

But the truth is, the Mould family practices what we preach- "From the earth we are made. From the Earth we shall return."

You tell me what’s wrong in that.

Dan: It’s illegal, for starters. The whole town wants you dead.

Evan: This whole town don’t know its ass from its elbow Dan. Hell, half of them still think we won the war.

Dan: (Reluctant) And there is the desecration of all those bodies to consider.

Evan: That’s all they are Dan. Bodies.

There’s nobody home. The lights are out for good. There’s nobody left inside to worry about where the bodies lie. I could stack them up like so much cord wood or pose them like dogs playing poker. I could dress them in capes and spandex and put them on my roof. The plain truth is, they just don’t care. They are empty envelopes whose contents have all been skillfully removed by a hand mightier than yours or mine...

You think tearing down a forest and spending a king’s ransom on an industrial furnace is more "sacred"?

We human beings are scum Dan- Scum (Lawyers like you most of all).

The least- Hell, the most- we can do is leave our bodies to the soil...

Dan: They are talking about the death penalty Evan. Some people are talking about… about leaving your body out to rot, just like you did with all those others.

Evan: And teach them the lesson first hand?

Evan thinks for a moment

Sure Dan.

I’m up for that.

Dan is speechless.

Evan: Just make sure you come and pick a rose off me every now and then ya hear?

Evan smiles.



"Litterbug" debuted March 22, 2002, performed by Jane Jones, Mark Valhovic, Todd Ristau & Lee Moyer.

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